Not a good day today.

Hi J,

I know how you feel.

Four months seems like eternity already but this is only the beginning of the journey. Grief is a tricky thing. It's great that you have tools that you've set up to cope and be ok. Sometimes they won't work and it will feel much rawer, but you'll bounce back. And eventually hopefully over time the relapses are less and less frequents.

I had one of those episodes myself last December, 15 months in my grief, and it suddenly felt so hard, as if all the work I'd done was for nothing. It passed and I was fine (-ish) again.

You can use family and friends who support you to vent in those times too. It's tempting no to because it feels like worrying them but maybe just the one person that can embrace that and comfort you will make a difference.

I can so rely on the idea that just hugging Dave would make all your troubles go away at once. It's the same for me (not with Dave though). I think one of the tools we can use is find the right huggers! It won't replace our partners but for a split second it feels great and warm.

Sending you a big hug xx

Antoine

Hi J.

I know how you are feeling l lost Pete in October 2021, it is also the realisation that instantly you actually think he is there when you want to speak to them( well it does for me anyway). Then like a ton of bricks you realise that they are not there:( But there is nothing stopping you talking to him in your head and heart as he is with  you always xx(that is what l believe x)

Don't worry about the chocolate my sons have recently bought me some of the biggest bars l have seen lol xx

Dear Jilly, 

I’m so sorry, I wish I had words to help but we all know there aren’t any, other than I understand and I hope you’re feeling better today. Yesterday, I put on one of Mart’s  big huddies and snuggled into it, tried to imagine him hugging me. 

I knew I was going to lose my husband, and I thought it would be hard but nothing prepared me for this. I know I’m blocking it all out, in the moments when I get a flashback, when I see him during those final days and moments, I find myself squeezing my eyes, trying to force the image away, when I can’t, I break down and cry until it stops. I don’t know how to simply be, without him, its one big act. Anyone seeing me might get think I’m ok but inside, I’m empty, I’m just going through the motions, I’m trying to make it easier for my daughter and granddaughter, they’re all that matters. My daughter tells me she knows I’m struggling, she can see it, she knows me.

Hang in there xxx

Budge13, you have just summed up how I feel.

Its shite isn’t it? 

Yes it is. When I read other posts, sometimes people talk of how when they remember a happy time or memory, and it gives them some comfort or at least they get something positive from it, for me, I’m the opposite, I find it too hard to to remember, it’s too overwhelming, I have to push it out of my head and try to think of something else…oh yes, it’s definitely shite. 

That’s exactly it. The sudden jolt when you realise you want to share something with them and then it hits you that you can’t. I do talk to his photos sometimes (out loud when there’s no one around ) I think it’s just hitting me how many things he’s going to miss. Like my daughters wedding that should have happened two years ago but due to Covid was delayed and now he won’t be there. It was his one goal to live long enough to be there but the #%^*^%#cancer got him first. So many firsts looming. 

I’ve booked flights to go to see my dad who lives in France. He gives very good hugs. 

I think I’m the same. People think I’m doing ok but it’s all just a front. I’m lucky though in that the end for Dave did come quite quickly so he only suffered really badly for 24hrs. Obviously he had been ill for months and on high dosage morphine - but he was still himself (just a more tired version).  The image that haunts me is coming back downstairs when the undertaker had come to take Dave away and seeing the empty bed. 
Tears are definitely flowing more at the minute but that’s ok. 
My grandchildren also keep me going. They’re little gems aren’t they?

Yes they are but I only have the one and every alternate w/ends she goes to her dad, so the house becomes very quiet, I miss her. 

I think for me, I’m finding the amount of time I spend on my own isn’t good for me. We moved down here just before first lockdown, I then spent all my time, as a carer, so I’ve not had much of a chance to make friends in the area, old friends and family are far away, our daughter,  although she lives with me, is getting on with her life, as she should, she works, so has made some friends. 
I’ve put myself forward to volunteer at the Cab, so I’ll be part of something which helps people and gives me the opportunity to make friends. It just takes time. 

After being one half of a couple for so long, it’s difficult to remember what it was like to be alone, but that, was a different time, in a different place, surrounded by family and friends. 

I know it’s early days, and I know I’ll make connections, through all the various means but it’s that feeling, of part of me missing, of not being whole (if that makes any sense) and the realisation, that this is it, he’s gone and I’ll always feel alone.

Sorry, it’s a long read, that’s what happens when you can’t sleep at silly o clock but hopefully you’re all asleep.

L x

I wasn't asleep either, but only read it now. It looks like you're doing what you need to get out there and meet new people. It all takes time. People keep saying that time is the healer, but I keep thinking "what should I do while I wait for time to do its thing?!" 

One of the things I've been trying to do is to invoke my me from before Juliette, from 20 years ago, when I was a student without a partner. She was already in my life, but we weren't together. I'm trying to think that this guy was managing on its own just fine. That's not easy but that's helping a bit. I'm so admirative of all the people around me who seem to be happy living on their own, being enough by themselves (often not really by choice though).

A friend of mine sent me a link to a meditation podcast that helped her a lot after her brother's suicide 6 years ago and she keeps going back to it regularly. I think I'll do a separate thread because it's off topic, but I find it helpful to relax a bit (if not to go back to sleep as I wish I could).

Antoine xx