Struggling..

Hi Yani10

Sorry that you have been struggling lately and I am sure  you will find this site supportive.

You are not alone in feeling as you do! My husband, Ian, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 30 weeks ago now and initially I was inundated with flowers, cards and offers of help. Since then, it has been silence from nearly all of them. Christmas seemed to remind them I was still alive but I felt it was too late. Perhaps I should be more charitable but it is difficult.

I’ve also been reduced to tears by what family and friends have said to me. I’ve been told that people don’t realise how insensitive their comments can be but when you are overwhelmed by grief, it is support you want and not crass comments. My sister actually messaged me ‘hope you have a better year than last year’! 

I am still struggling to come to terms with what happened and the fact that I will never see my husband again. I’m having counselling in the hope it will help.

Be kind to yourself 

x Julie

Hi Yani10,

Yes I can relate too. It's been 17months for me so I'm a bit further on the journey but I remember being very upset by close friends who shut down and gone very quiet as soon as they heard about my wife's cancer. Some of them got in touch again, in time (I also prompted a few of them to explain that it wasn't about them being uncomfortable but Juliette needing their help), some didn't. A particular friend of hers failed to even reply by email. He came from far away to the funeral and I could see in his eyes that it was something he would have to live with. We're not taught how to deal with disease or grief. Luckily some other people, who weren't that close, stepped in at the time, because they knew what it was about, having experienced the same traumas.

Through grief I have found that it's the same. I have developed new very strong friendships with people I barely spoke too before, while I still don't feel close to confide about how I feel to older friends.

Don't judge yourself for feeling angry at them, or upset, or left out. It's always good to let your body express your feelings, even if they don't align with what you'd like to feel.

3 months is still very early (doesn't necessarily feel like that) so you have plenty of time, but eventually you might be able to meet people who gets you, the new you, and don't judge or go quiet.

And in any case, you've got us. And we get you. Because we've been there! And you can reach out anytime.

Take care xx

Antoine 

Sadly, yes,  I get it. Coming up to 14 weeks since I lost Mart and his brother and wife have been ignoring me. His brother tested positive for Covid, days before the funeral, so he couldn’t come, I asked that my sister in law got tested,  then isolate,  if she wanted to attend. I have since been blamed for not following the nhs Covid rules, as she wanted to live her life normally, so not isolate. At that time I was so ill with a chest infection, 2nd round of antibiotics, I thought they would understand, but no. I’ve written but with little success, my note at Christmas, ignored, my latest message, which was asking for them to at least support or contact our daughter and granddaughter but no, they rejected that too. I’ve since replied with some honesty on how being ignored affected me at the lowest time of my life, will they react, I doubt it,  I won’t be contacting them again. 

They were our closest family, I still think if she had really needed to attend, she could have just come to us after testing negative. Now,  it’s like they don’t care about us, they’ve made it all about them.

But I will try not to give it any headspace, they don’t deserve it, I know Mart would be appalled by how they have treated us. 

Thankfully, I have a wonderful sister, brother and some really kind supportive friends, they all live far away but they ring or text me regularly, I don’t believe I would have got through the last 3 months had it not been for my younger sister and her husband and my brother, they’ve both lost children so they understand and they’re always there when I need them. 

Julie, Antoine and Budge,  

Some days I just can't do anything.. and it's been that sort of time for me lately.  Anyway I just wanted to send a quick message to say thank you so much for responding.  All of your messages make sense, and it brings me some comfort to know someone understands. I hope to write more when I am able, but for now I just wanted to write to send a massive thank you to you all, xx

Hi Yani,

Take it easy. Some days will be like that and it's all fine. Always be kind to yourself. 

Sending you a virtual hug xx