Too young

Mel, 

Thanks for thinking about me, I know it's probably really nothing to you, but it honestly means alot to me; that someone will listen to my stupid ramblings.

I turned 21 on the 9th October and my daughter will turn 1 tomorrow. Nathaniel brought her some toys a few months ago for her birthday, her dad still somehow managed to buy her better gifts than me. I'm kinda jealous I didn't come up with the ideas he came up with. Can't wait to see her face. 

And it sounds absolutely crazy writing it but when I had my twins. Two identical boys, I was 6 months pregnant when I actually found out that there were in fact 2 babies instead of 1. 

And... it's happened again. 

I'm pregnant with twins again. Multiple births runs on both sides of the family but I honestly didn't think that two sets of twins was possible. Nathaniel never got the chance to find out it was twins. I should be happy. But I'm really not. 

I mean being a 21 year old widow with 5 kids! I don't know what I'm going to do? I mean my eldest is being fed by a NG tube and my second has some sort of behaviour issues. It's a boy and a girl by the way, the boy's going to be called Nathanial and the girls going to be called Eloise.  

There due January 4th.My brother-in-law is a therapist and he says I have PTSD, I thought only soldiers could get that. My life has been nothing but hectic but I'm...coping. As much as I can. For my kids, you know? Do you have kids? Because if you do I'm sure you understand that your kids are your everything. From the moment you read those 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test to your very last moment on earth. Nathaniel would despise me dropping around feeling sorry for myself. It pains, but wounds have to heal, otherwise you'd Just bleed out. 

Ivy x

Hi Ivy,

Ah it's lovely to hear from you.

You are writing so well about your situation. You really don't shy away from saying things as they are, pointing to the challenges and difficulties but also, in the last lines of your message, explaining that we have to go on because what else can we do.

You are really coping with so much. Being a widow at the age of 21 and having three kids and being pregnant with twins again. It must all feel rather terrifying for you at times.

It's very sad that Nathanial decided to take his own life. Who knows, maybe the treatment would have worked and would have given you some good years together... But there is nothing you can do about this now unfortunately.

I understand why you are not feeling happy at the prospect of having twins again. I completely get that.

I don't have kids. We couldn't have kids because Paul had already gone through a lot of prostate cancer treatment when I met him (particularly radiation) and we also wouldn't have wanted kids because there was a 33 year age difference. We just felt that we had met late in life - even though I was only 27 when we met but he was already 60 - and that we wanted to enjoy our years together - but then as I said we wouldn't have been able to have kids anyway because of all the treatment Paul had had.

Anyway, please keep posting. Wishing you lots of strength!

Mel

Hi Ivy 

Like Mel we didn't have children although we wanted them very much. So I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you. 

I really hope that you have support as it's a lot for anyone to cope with.

 Take care and my very best wishes