The pain is to much

Hello Julian

I am so sorry to hear that your partner has passed away and I understand that this must be a really difficult time for you. I hope that by writing this out it has helped in some small way. It sounds like you have had a lot of other things to deal with. I am glad that you have a supportive GP and that she has arranged for some counselling. I hope that it will help. Try to hold on in the knowledge that asking for help was a brave thing to do and that you will soon have that support in place.

Panic attacks can be really unpleasant, how are you feeling now? Remember that NHS111 is there to offer support when your GP is closed. 

The Samaritans are also available 24/7.

Contact Us | Samaritans 

I found Home - Cruse Bereavement Support helpful too. 

If you feel up to it, why not give the Support Line a call and talk things through with someone. They will be able to just listen if that is what you prefer.

We can not take the pain away but we can help you feel that you are not dealing with it on your own. 

We are here when you need us. 

Jane

hi 

thanks for getting back to me.To be honest i dont feel good i am try to front it out but its hard very hard i just keep breaking down in to tears then i kinda feel better but then it starts  all over again.i all so had one of my black outs this afternoon & its was the first time it happened when cveti was not there she allways talked me through it but to today she was not there and i felt so alone.i understand that my black out came because of my stress level and my stress level is reallly high.And thank you for the advice and the contact numbers iam going to contact cruse tomorrow not just for me but for my step son who iam very worried about right now.thank you for your reply

Julian

Hi Julian

Sometimes it can be perhaps better to go with the emotions and not try to front it out. It is understandably a painful time. When our family experienced our closest family loss, we all reacted differently. There is no right or wrong way. I personally found the toughest bit was around a week or so after the funeral, where it feels like life is going on around you- however for you everything has changed. Tears are very natural and can, in time, be healing. 

Cruse was helpful as the website has a lot of information that helped explain how we were feeling and also that it was normal to feel the way we did. 

Macmillan also has some useful info.

Coping with bereavement and cancer | Macmillan Cancer Support

I think perhaps, at times like these it is best to look at them when you feel ready and bit by bit. I don't want you to feel overwhelmed with the links but they are there for if and when you need them.

I can understand your worry about your step son but I know that having you there for him, will make a big difference, both in this initial painful time and also in the future. 

This may help Grief support for teens and young adults | Talk Grief

One other thing I found is that when you are feeling overwhelmed and upset- try to keep some sort of routine- even if it is just get up and get dressed, try to have meal times- even if you do not feel like it at the time. And get out of the house into the fresh air, short walks, nip to the shops etc- anything to get moving and to not be stuck inside with your thoughts. Listening to music, rubbish tv anything that will help. And if the day ahead seems too long- break it down into steps- hour by hour. I used to find just getting up, having a quick shower and clean clothes on would help a bit. 

I am sorry that you lost your partner at such a young age. It really isn't fair. And I am sorry that your step son lost his mother. 

I hope that you both get some rest tonight and if things feel too tough to deal with, take a deep breath and pick up the phone. 

Jane

Thank you jane i am doing my best to keep my routines and i do try to go out at least once a day.But right now it just feels like a knife just slowly cutting through me.words fail me.i am very tired and i will to sleep now hopefully i will in truth i feel exhausted.and thank you for you advice.

julian

Hello Julian,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is very early days for you. I too lost the love of my life almost 2 years ago and the pain is still there not so intense but it still happens. I too still get my dark days/weeks but I learn to go with them now and they eventually leave like an unwelcome visitor. Like you and your wife my husband and i were more or less joined at the hip. We always more or less done everything together and were with each other for 40 years and to have someone by your side for that amount of time and then for them not to be there can be quite a shock to the system. My husband passed from having bowel cancer he fought it hard for two years at one point going into remission only for it to return only months later and then it was a downward spiral for him. Sepsis got thrown into the mix too 4 times and it was on the 4th bout along with his advancing cancer which finally took him in June 2023.  He was put back on chemotherapy when his cancer re-occurred but it was quite an aggressive form and it ended up causing him kidney damage so had to be withdrawn completely. They looked at other treatments but because of the stage where he was at we were told they wouldn't work so he was on `borrowed time` so to speak. He was my soulmate and just like you we sometimes knew what each other was thinking. He was very private and reserved and I am like that too I am quite introverted and am happy in my own company. He made me laugh so that was one of his qualities and that is something I haven't been able to do for a long time. I feel as though I am just existing now and wonder what I am getting out of bed for every day we used to do so much together. The one reason I get out of bed is my little dog he needs walked and fed so he is my purpose just now. He was my husband's dog so you could say I still have part of him with me in him. I have family close by my son and daughter in law and my little granddaughter. Jay (my husband) only got to see the first two years of her life never thought he would be a grandad and was over the moon when it happened but just short lived. My son got married in February there and it was a lovely day but very bittersweet as he wasn't there but in saying that my new daughter-in-law's mother wasn't there either because she passed last year also with stomach cancer. I also look after my older sister who has mild learning difficulties she lives not far from me in sheltered accommodation so we are a support for one another though I would say it's me doing the supporting more. Because of how my sister is empathy is not one of her strong points. She too has just come through cancer twice. She had breast cancer in its very early stages 6 years ago so that was treated and she is now by the 5 year mark with that. Two months after Jay passed she did a home bowel screening test and that came back positive but again the tumour was very small so they were able to take her in and cut it out and now she is progressing well. Now though she is having heart issues and needs a valve replacement op done so just waiting on that happening now. Just seems to have been a succession of hospitals for me over the last 2 and half years while still trying to come to terms with losing my husband but I'm getting there. I can't say when and if it will get better for you as we all greive at different stages but please keep coming here when you feel the need to. We all `get it` and we are all here for each other we've all been there. So if you need to shout, scream, vent or whatever you know where to come and of course there are the helplines too. Good luck and best wishes to you moving forward. 

Vicky. 

Hello Julian

How are you and your step son doing today?

I hope that your appointment at the hospital goes ok.

Jane

hi vicky thank you i hear every thing you are saying and iam soo sorry for you loss.All i can say is its so hard but got to keep moving forward & thank you for you support 

julian

hi jane not good i am doing what needs to be done but its hard.Today will be hard.Martin is kinda ok he's just trying to deal with it.He does not want to come to the hospital with me and thats ok .I am just getting ready now to get the bus to the hospital.and thank you for asking and the support.

Julian