Been a while...

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Hello Lovely People of this forum

I’ve not been on here in a while now. Why? Not entirely sure, I think I just got to a stage where I needed to, I don’t know… step back a bit? I was coming on this forum, I was reading books on grief, I was listening to podcasts on grief and about cancer, I was getting grief counselling. Then I just needed to stop. Not because it wasn’t helping, it all was, in various ways (as much as anything can help us) but I just got to a stage where I felt like every day was way too much ‘about my grief’ and I wanted to see what would happen if I did step back a little.

I think it did help to do that. However doesn’t mean I won’t pick up another book on grief or listen to a podcast or indeed come on here. I just needed a little space from doing it all every day. Though I am sorry I've not been around to respond to messages but having a quick look now this forum is so full of good people there is always those who will respond and for that we are all so grateful. We all have to do what is right for us, this is the hardest thing we'll ever face. We have to be kind also to 'ourselves'.

This coming Sunday will mark six months since my beloved David died. I wish I could say that full acceptence has happened and although I still grieve I’ve fully accepted he’s gone. No, I don’t. I still ask myself over and over, how? How can he no longer be here? And I still, somewhere deep inside, think he’s coming back eventually, I just have to wait. I know that’s completely ridiculous and my head I suppose knows logically he’s not, my heart just can’t seem to catch up yet.

I have seen some improvements (for want of a better word) to my grief in that I don’t cry every single day anymore, maybe every other day! I’ve managed to go into certain shops I never thought I’d be able to face ever again without him. It’s not easy, it’s awful but a few months ago it would have been impossible. So that’s the type of thing that lets me know I’m getting a little stronger.

Still, what is so hard is still trying to find meaning and joy in anything. Whenever something does give me a moment of …what is the word? Happiness and joy seem too strong but maybe let’s say a glimmer of something along the lines of joy, it’s only for a second and then I think … but David isn’t here and whatever it was lifting me slightly, disappears.

For anyone on here new to this site (I’m so sorry you’ve had to join) but I just want to say that at the beginning of my grief I know I tried to run before I could walk. I wanted so desperately to feel just a bit better, to have my grief sit beside me instead of smothering me but I learnt very quickly that’s out of my control. Grief will be what it will be for each of us and the saying ‘day by day’ has never been so apt in my life.

However I know I looked on this forum to hear from those who were further on in their grief to try to find out when I might feel better. In 4months? 6months? 12months? Ever? But there really is NO answer. We are all different. Though I still ache for David and miss him every second of every day I know that as this six months mark approaches that I have got stronger and that gives me something precious; hope.

We feel guilty for wanting to move forward (not on, forward) but we also know that our loved ones would so definitely want us to and to not be so sad all the time. That doesn’t mean thinking that we automatically mean we can be ok, if only. No, but its a thing I’ve heard say on here which a few months ago I might have thought “well I know David wouldn’t want me to be sad but I am and it’s too hard and that doesn’t change anything’’ but further along I can see the reality in it. It goes alongside the saying of …’better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved’ .. again something I couldn’t stand to hear a few months ago but something I’m feeling more and more strongly about. These are the changes that tell me I’m getting a tad bit stronger. Despite having been sitting here in floods of tears before putting fingers to keyboard to talk to you all.

I hope all those I know from this site are doing OK -best you can, and I hope those who are new to the site are finding a little comfort in being a part of this forum where we all so deeply know what everyone is feeling.

We all want peace and joy (guilt free) back into our lives while we still love and cherish our beloved ones deep inside our hearts and nothing and nobody can ever change that.

Virtual hug for anyone in need of that today.

MyPineapple (Allison) xx

BootsyD over 3 years ago

Tomorrow is another day

MyPineapple over 3 years ago in reply to BootsyD

Jonta over 3 years ago

Hi Allison,

They are indeed beautiful words and so eloquently put and I agree with every single one of them. It will be six months for me on Saturday and I just get every single emotion you describe.

God bless everyone on this forum and I do hope we all find peace one day, Love Ian x

ChilliChilli over 3 years ago

Oh my dear Allison,.

My journey started shortly before yours, your words ring so true for me, I too stepped back from the forum, and have continued with counselling

Although I still have really difficult days I am doing ok.

Returned to work part time, got a puppy after having my dear Chilli put to sleep and a bought a lodge at the coast.

Dobby (my puppy) has been my life saver, giving me a focus, something that needs me, to take care of again. We spend as much time as possible at the lodge, made some new friends and Dobby some doggy friends.

I was very disappointed and hit rock bottom when I received an incomplete PALS enquiry, as services haven't responded, so I have written to each service expressing my disappointment.

Today marks a year since Rob went into hospital for his major operation, where he spent 12 weeks. I have booked his along awaited wake for October on the day that would have been Rob's 55th birthday.

I have along way to go with my grief and I find it so difficult to put into words but I am starting to look after myself and try not to have too high expectations of myself.

Take care my Pineapple and everyone.

Donna

MyPineapple over 3 years ago in reply to Jonta

MyPineapple over 3 years ago in reply to ChilliChilli

Hi Donna

I’m glad Dobby has been good for you.️ I still haven’t taken the plunge on a pet yet but I’m sure I will. Plus the lodge sounds lovely.

I am so sorry about the incomplete PALS enquiry! This is all hard enough as it is. I hope you get some answers there.

Keep looking after yourself and definitely don’t put any expectations on yourself either.

Big hug to you. Xx

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