I found someone else before I learnt to live on my own and that wasn't a good idea :(

Hi Devin

I was told when my husband David died that men who are widowed tend to meet someone new more quickly. I've no idea if that is true but in your case you did but it's not your fault that you did that. It's all understandable. We all grieve differently and we all find it so hard to be on our own when we've lost our true love! 

You are both completely right. You do need to live on your own and be happy first I feel. Nobody, not even those we've lost and grieve so deeply about should be our only source of happiness. Happiness is about ourselves. However, companionship is what we all crave, even if it's not 'the love of our lives' but unfortunately for us on here (which is all of us or we'd not be on here) we DID have the love of our lives and they can never be replaced. 

I'm not saying you can't ever fall in love again though, one day, you are so young still. But it will be different and your love for Juliette will still be there in your heart, that can't ever change or be taken from you. 

Alone and lonely are two very different things. Lonely is the thing nobody can really help us with. We just have to try to find peace first and start to live again, for ourselves, because as you found out, there is no 'replacing' these loved ones of ours only time that will help us to cope living without them. 

xx

Hi Devin 

I did that after my first husband. I needed someone in my life and help with the children.

I now see after a rocky 11 years that was not right. It was not a great marriage second time round and resulted in my children losing another man in their life. It made them distrustful of my decisions. I think I am finally proving I can now get it right!

When Ric died, I thought I would not bother again. I was alone for a year through covid but I am still in my early 50's and I like male company. I met Steve, we originally met 33 years ago. We have fun and a laugh, we do normal things together but I won't live with him and certainly not for a long while yet. I did all that far too quickly before. He gets it. The difference here is that I stopped looking for love and it just happened. 

Give yourself some time and be nice to yourself. 

Take care 

Love and hugs Alison XXX 

It would have been 31 years ago today that I married my true love Simon (my children's Dad). Hannah our daughter has her driving test this morning. I hope it is a good omen for her. I think I am more nervous than she is. I hope he is looking down on her this morning x

Hy MyPineapple,

Thanks for your message. I really wasn't expecting to meet anyone else when that happened. I was focusing on my lost life, trying to cherish the memories to forget the dull present and that new love was an amazing breeze of fresh air (I think I even did a post about it a while back, oops), but like you say I need to be my own source of happiness to be able to then add someone into our lives.

xx

Hi Akela2516,

I'm sorry to hear that your second marriage didn't end well. It is tricky. It only took a few months for us to realise that it wasn't right because I would have moved in with her right away but she knew that I need to be on my own first.

I think your approach with Steve is the right one. Taking it slow. But I've also found that having lost someone through cancer has taught me that slow may be fine, but you don't always have as much time as you think. So many future plans have never been realised, it's hard to think about taking the time at a slow pace.

But then again, as I write this I'm thinking that slow doesn't mean bad or less fruitful. It's really about letting go of my old ways in that regard too.

Happy anniversary still. Good luck for your daughter on her driving test. :) I'm sure Simon is looking down on her, and not just on this day.

Take care

xx

Thank you Devin.

I hope you find happiness soon. 

Unfortunately Hannah failed her test on parallel parking but there is hope with a second test booked for November. You have to keep going! 

I think Steve would now move in but I won't go that way yet! I learnt my lesson. No we don't always have a lot of time but then I now make all my times precious.

Keep moving forward

Love Alison x

Oh sorry to hear for Hannah! Next time will be probably be the one. Parallel parking is not always easy and I'm sure lots of people wouldn't get their test if they had to redo it tomorrow!

I think you're being very sensible with Steve.

Yes, rushing is not the best way to enjoy time spent together. My objective is now to take it slow and make the most of every little bit I can have. But I think I need to forget about her a bit first maybe...
And that's not easy!

But I'm feeling quite alright. The one year anniversary is in 4 days and with that a big trip to see the family. Perfect time to focus on the grief and process things.

Thanks for your message. Take care xx

Hi Devin,

I think it is absolutely true that we need to know how to be on our own first before we can meet somebody new - or even enter the first relationship in our life without the risk of it not working out longterm. It's maybe a bit like when they say that we need to love ourselves first before we can love another person. I don't know, there is something in that at least.

I am sorry in one way that your new relationship had to end, but I think it is good too because now you really can learn to be on your own and with and in your own space.

I so much understand you when you say you can't do it. I am exactly like that. I hate being on my own, I have always hated it, I am not as productive as I would be if I had company, I am not as happy as I would be if I had company, I don't enjoy things - not even a walk - on my own, I am just pushing through but not liking it. I have never liked being on my own, not even as a child. I just need people around me and close to me to feel fulfilled. I went from one relationship - the one with my first husband - straight into my second relationship - the one with my second husband - and when it was when we were apart for nine months during our nine years together that I realised "Yes, I can do this on my own" and I was a much better partner for Paul when we got back together.

Lots of love

Mel

Hi Mel, thanks for your message. That's exactly what I feel. I need to love being with myself, and learn to love me when I don't feel great as well, because it's all me.

I've realised only this afternoon that my family was me and my 2 daughters. It sounds weird saying it like that, but I think that until now weirdly it always seemed like the trio we build as part of the family, minus their Mum. And I've suddenly understood that this is not a trio, this is the family and that's it.

Your 9 months apart are exactly what I feel I need right now. But the good thing is that I have that goal, that light at the end of the tunnel that when I'm ready she might still be here and want to try again. And if it doesn't work out I suppose it just shows that love is possible after grief and that's already a lot. (but right now I really really hope it works out when the time is right!

xx