Could I, anyone have done something

Hi Clara,

I don't think any of us haven't experienced those horrid moments of doubting our ability to help or assist our husbands/wives as they faced their final days. We all did what we could and we need to remember that in those dark moments. What you are feeling is horrible and soul destroying, but, and you need to keep telling yourself this, it is part of the process. If there had been more you could have done, the nurses would have told you. They did their job in supporting your husband medically and you did your job in supporting him emotionally and with great love. Don't forget that.

It has been nearly three years since my husband died, and I still have those moments of wondering if I had done enough. And I know I questioned myself constantly in his final weeks; I even asked the nurses if there was more I could do. Their answer? "Just let him know you are here and let him know he's not alone." And that's what I did. 

Grief is a difficult thing to navigate at times and you are still in the early days. And grief is neither linear nor temporary. You can't turn off love when someone dies. Your husband's physical presence may have ceased, but his presence in your heart and mind and memories will last forever. Sometimes the memories will be painful, but, as time goes on, they fade in intensity and the happy memories will slowly take their place. I still have moments of inconsolable sadness, but I also have moments when the smile spreads across my face or I find myself laughing at precious memories of love and joy.

There are many resources for counselling and you should take advantage of what is available. The best counselling I got was from the local hospice that was involved in my husband's care. And, of course, there is this wonderful group of people who have shared the heartbreak of losing their life's love.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve and feel all the feelings. It will get better. You will never stop missing him, of course, but you will stop blaming yourself for things that were beyond your control or influence. He knew you were there and that you loved him. That is all you needed to do.

Wishing you love and strength,

Martha

Hi Clara,

I totally agree with Martha, they are indeed wise words.

Like your husband, my wife had Lung cancer and she also experienced issues with her breathing and the secretions were a major issue especially during the last few hours, and as you say they sounded like they were drowning in them.

When my wife first passed the memory of these noises also haunted me for a number of weeks afterwards, but as Martha has said; you have to concentrate on all of the positive things you did for your husband and during these darkest moments we just have to get through them the best way we can, and there may be things that we wish we’d done slightly different but we did our best and thats all that matters. 

So please don’t be too hard on yourself and try not to blame yourself for anything that happened during these last few days/hours because like me, you would have done your best and thats all our loved ones would expect from us.

Take care of yourself and just take small steps and be kind to yourself and I’m sure that if your husband could say one thing to you at this moment in time he’d tell you that he’s so proud of everything you did for him.

I do hope we all find peace one day, Ian x

Hi Clara,

firstly I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband and for the trauma you have experienced.

I think it is a very normal part of grief to ask ourselves whether there is something we could've done different Lee or other people could've done differently to ease their suffering and pain. I have found that both with Nice self and with so many others who are grieving.

would it help you to make contact with the nurses who were caring for your husband during his final hours and to discuss this with them? I have found it to be very helpful, and I know that others have, to ask medical questions afterwards.
yes maybe it would have made it easier if he had been on the syringe driver and maybe not, nobody will ever know. it is very hard to except but the only person who could really answer that question would be him.

but I am getting the sense from reading your post and you description of the situation that you did everything you could and that everybody else did whatever they could. I just sound like a very tricky situation to be in when the person can still sometimes eat and sometimes not and when there is so much medication to take in so many different ways. I am sure everything happened as it was supposed to happen.

I just wanted to mention one more thing. It may have seemed very distressing to you that your husband had all those secretions. But often what happens is that they don't actually feel any discomfort or pain and that to us it looks like they were struggling or in pain or distress. Especially when a person has started to drift in and out of consciousness what we see and experience as distressing is often not distressing to them at all any more.
please keep posting. as many of you on here, including myself, will tell you is that there is help in sharing and reading posts here.

Love,Mel

Thank you Martha.

I appreciate you replying to me for your time and consideration. I find comfort in what you say.

We have the service for Paul this Tuesday which I am not feeling ok about. Silly thing to say really. Part of me wishes I didn't have to go.

Sorry for your loss too. How are you finding life 3 years since.

Kind regards,

Claire