Confused

Hi Kikidotty

This isn’t advice  but my experience. My beloved and I were told he had terminal cancer from day one and he lived for three years and one month after that news. From day one he only asked “how long.” His team were unable to answer so he just said they could discuss anything with us but he never asked a question- it was all down to me. I have no idea where I found the strength to cope but I did. The team  were a bit stunned I think as I asked so many questions but I just needed to know and  protect him. I don’t think he was weak at all - he was so very brave. 

Kikidotty we all have to just get through this however we can and I am sure your husband wanted to protect you as much as he could. Just never forget he loved you and that he wanted you to be ok. 

Much love and gentle hugs 

June

Hi Kikidotty,

I am glad you had a good meeting with the cancer nurse and feel that your questions have been answered.

If I were you, I think I too wouldn't know how to feel. I think I would find it sweet that my husband wanted to protect me. But I would also be angry with him - or maybe sad - that he tried to shut me out? I really don't know.

Let your emotions be mixed. Maybe it is good to let that be for a while and sit with it so to speak and see how you feel about it in a little way.

My husband Paul and I attended all doctor's appointments together and I was the one who asked most questions. It wasn't that Paul didn't want to know, but he felt that whatever the doctors needed to tell him and what they didn't tell him he didn't need to know whereas I felt that I needed to know every single thing. Anyway, I think Paul knew that he wasn't going to live long but we didn't speak about it much, only once or twice, and I remember on our final evening, when we were already in hospital, and a nurse whom he knew from very early on in his cancer journey came in and Paul said to her, "Tomorrow I am going to have Chemotherapy and then I'll be better." I and everybody else in the hospital knew that Paul was dying. I often wonder would he have said the same thing if I hadn't been in the room? Because he must have known that I knew that he wasn't going to live long.

And you know what I've come to think over time? I have come to think that there were different situations: Sometimes Paul didn't want to speak about it to protect me, sometimes he didn't want to speak about it because he didn't want to believe it himself. What I am trying to say is: Out of their love for us they did want to protect us. But sometimes they also wanted to protect themselves and this is why they couldn't speak about it. That's my thoughts anyway.

Love, Mel

Hi Mel 

Sorry for late reply haven't been very well 

I have been trying to process Ian's decission not to tell me he's prognosis 

I know all he wanted was to protect me 

But I feel like I haven't had the chance to do and say what I wanted 

I feel every second away from he was wasted 

Even though I pretty much didn't leave he's side only to get food shopping and taking the dog out for a walk 

I am really confused if I would have known I might not of been able to cope mentally as I suffer from bipolar 

The one thing that does upset me is I wish before he got really poorly we could have renewed our vows he wanted to do that 

I did say to him we would do that once he started to feel a bit stronger and he agreed 

There's no way of getting away frim the fact I would have been upset either way 

I went to the cemetery today first time since the funeral. 

I went with our daughter Georgia I was upset so was she in a strange way I thought my husband isn't there My daughter agreed 

I miss him so so much 

Thank you for listening 

Marie x