Low again...

My daughter took me out as promised. It was lovely. But it was to a place I last visited with Chris. I cried. And once I started it was hard to stop. I feel so stupid when I cry like that. My daughter is a much more stoic person than I am. I'm not sure she even understands. Today is not a good day...

It's ok to cry, obviously you felt the need for that release of tension. But you've taken an important step in visiting a place that was special to you and Chris. I'm sure your daughter probably does understand (to a certain degree) and was maybe just giving 'tough love '   sometimes I think we need a gentle shove to go to the old familiar places we went to with our precious partners, I know I do!!  

I had lunch today with Colins'  youngest son (he's been my youngest stepson for 23 years) we went to a pub we always went to and it was . The challenge for me will be out favourite restaurant where they will definitely notice Colin isn't with me, but I will do it......someday soon 

Take care and keep going - you're doing things right xx

Thank you, BootsyD. I just find some days are harder than others. Today has been one of those tough days. My daughter said, and she was right to say it, that Chris would be really upset to see me so sad. And I know that's the truth. But, damn, I miss him so much it hurts. 

So glad you were able to have lunch with your stepson. My stepdaughter sent me a message that she would call on Friday, so I am looking forward to that. She is a wonderful, upbeat, cheerful young woman and I know speaking with her will help me feel better.

I'm so glad this forum is here. It helps so much to hear from others who are experiencing grief and can share their thoughts and coping measures. 

Gentle hugs,

Martha

Hi Martha,

This is so typical of this journey with grief, isn't it? We feel good for a while, optimistic and upbeat, and then, bang, we feel low again and miss our loved one so very much. You and I are a similar timeline and I, too, have those days where I feel I am missing Paul more than ever and have to cry. Sometimes I think that as we are moving forward and more and more forward all of a sudden we realise how much we have moved forward and that our loved one hasn't been with us for all of that and that is the time we can't hold back the tears. I hope you'll feel different again soon. But I suppose it just is what it is; the emotions come and go, they change all the time, as you and I and all of us on here know.

Sending you a virtual hug!

Mel

Good morning, Mel,

I took myself off to bed early last night. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.I have awakened today, not feeling much better. I have my session with the mental health nurse today, so that will be very helpful.

I've decided grief is like a ninja. Out of nowhere - wham! And I try so hard not to disappoint Chris. I know he would be upset that I'm not coping better. But I miss him so much. I miss so many things. I miss where I used to live. I miss my community. At this particular moment, I'm missing the dentist who would always find a way to fit you in if you had a problem (swollen jaw and painful teeth right now). I miss having energy and I miss my own smile, if that makes any sense. For every action, there is an equal reaction, and perhaps my feeling so well and strong the other week has resulted in my feeling exactly the opposite this week. I know it will pass, but right now, it is raw and difficult.

I have always been an extrovert and a "glass half full" person. My situation and this crazy pandemic has forced me to live the life of an introvert, and it is not working for me. The glass half full is slowing being drained. Like I told my mental health nurse, I would never hurt myself or end my life. But if someone were to tell me I would die tomorrow, I'd be okay with that. I'm not living. I'm existing. (I even ended up calling the Macmillan Support Line yesterday because I needed to speak to someone.)

I'll get there and be myself again someday. I have to hold onto that...

Love,

Martha

Hi Martha?

I hadn't been on for a while and I've only now read your posts. I hope you're feeling better today. It's as everyone says, grief is not linear. If it only it were. I had a sense of peace for about a week not too long ago and then the heaviness descended upon me again. My therapist said that it was a good sign that I can now find comfort in certain things as that would not have been the case about  a year ago. I, too, wonder if I'll ver feel normal again but I suppose not, as that hole will now always be there. I feel as though I've reached  a stage in my life where the layers of grief will start piling up. My father is not doing too well and it's hard to say if he will live out the year. I always thought Gilles would be here for me for when I lost my parents. Never in a million years would I have imagined he would have gone before them, but I'm digressing. Mel is right. We're continuing to move forward and once in a while the changes in our lives will be a harsh reminder of what is missing, not that we need reminders, but you see what I mean.

Anyway, hope your weekend is going well

Hi Limbo,

Feeling better emotionally. Had to have a tooth pulled yesterday (back molar) so dealing with the stuff from that. But I know I will feel better. Going to go to bed early tonight (if the puppy will understand). Tomorrow will be a better day.

All the very best to you, my friend,

Martha

Hi Limbo,

I totally get what you are saying: There are times when you feel good and then this heaviness and sadness descend again. I think your therapist is so right in pointing out that it is good and "progress" for lack of a better word that you can now have times where you feel okay and enjoy things which is something that wouldn't have been able one year ago. I think it is important that we notice those subtle changes. 

I also totally get what you are saying about layers of grief. My dad too has been unwell; he was diagnosed with Parkinsons some time ago and is really getting worse very quickly: balance issues, memory loss and forgetfulness, constantly feeling weak and tired, and now he has even decided not to take part of his medication as he has it in his head that it will only make him worse. I am watching all this thinking: I am just not ready for another loss!

Lots of love, Mel

Hi Martha,

It's lovely to hear you are feeling a little better emotionally again. And I honestly hope the tooth isn't giving you any more trouble!

Lots of love, Mel