Not sure

Hello there,

Everything you have said I have felt too. I am now 21 weeks on it is still really really difficult but I get up each day and do what I have to. I still cry every day and like you I blamed myself for not being able to keep Rob alive.

After a particular bad night in the early days I rang the Macmillan help line straight away the next morning,.

(Before I talked myself out of if) I think they open 8-8. I found them so helpful, guess they just listened to me but it was just what I needed. They rang me back a few times the following weeks. Take all the help you can get at the dreadful time 

Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. Take each day, hour, minute at a time.

We all here for you, you are not alone.

Love Donna x

Hi Donna Thank You for your reply 

I'm so sorry for your loss 

There is a million different emotions every day 

Hope you don't mind me asking how did you feel at the beginning when people would say well he's out of pain now 

I don't know really how I feel about that 

I know he's out of pain but he isn't here 

Sorry hope you know what I'm trying to say 

Was your husband poorly for a long time ?

Did you nurse him at home ? 

Your message has been a big comfort for me thankyou 

Marie x

I haven't had the "Out of pain" one, but have had a thousand "How are you?" (well actually pretty crappy since you ask)

I guess that I choose not to answer honestly because as I see it, people are trying to be kind and supportive and as we all know, there really are no words.

Standing shoulder to shoulder with you as we go down this dark path.

Si

X

Hi Marie,

Sorry for late reply.

I too haven't had the "out of pain" one. but found what people say annoying but I believe they don't know what to say.

Rob was in hospital for 12 weeks with just one visit in the whole time.

He was sent home after they found another tumour and they said he had weeks to live not months, Rob live 11 weeks at home. you say did I care for him at home? well yes I did but he was with it right up to the end so we managed some how together. He sept in our bed whole 11 weeks, washed and dressed himself whole 11 weeks and ate what he wanted for whole 11 weeks.

The day he died was very traumatic as i found his dead, after leaving him 10 minutes..

People say he wouldn't have wanted to be out of it, be bedridden, so true, so i agree with them.

You ask was he ill for long? started with being sick June 20, diagnosed with sarcoma July 20, operated Aug 20, home Nov 20, died Jan 21, aged 54 years. so 8 months. It is just a year as last week that the nightmare began, I finding it hard to understand what a difference a year makes.

I managed better when I was "doing", so organising the funeral and telephone calls and paper work, now I struggle with the "thinking".

I am waiting for an independent enquiry into Rob's care and should be through this week after a long delay, I know it would change anything but know things could have been better.

I am doing OK,  I now accept any help that is out there, they can't give me what I want, OUR old life back but I am trying.

Take care

Love

Donna