Husband passed away 10 weeks ago

I will talk about Stephen always. There is absolutely nothing wrong in doing this. He was a massive part of my life and I talk about him in the present too. From what I’ve heard this is completely appropriate . and right. Sometimes other people feel uncomfortable but that’s because they don’t know what to say. I also talk to his picture, or when I’m out - usually in my head (not to frighten people ). I also think about what he would say or think about lots of things). We are moulded by the people we love and I think that how they remain with us.

My Peter was also a massive part of my life, the so called friend lost her partner to a drug overdose, 9 years ago she stopped talking about him few weeks after his death because she was also a drug user, she has been clean 8 years now but when she said I couldn't be her friend for speaking in the present sense about my Peter I felt betrayed and hurt as I thought she would understand how I'm feeling in a similar sense even though Peter was terminated cancer that he didn't deserve, I feel so low and lost 

Feeling low and lost is because he meant so much to you and it’s still all so raw. When I’m at my lowest I just ask myself what would Stephen say to you now? He loved me and would want me to do my best, never doubting how much I have been loved by him. It doesn’t remove the pain but it is a comfort. Peter would not want you to feel bad but he would understand your pain. The intensity of the love we have is matched by the intensity of the pain we feel. I hope, over time, the love will ease the pain. We are lucky to have had that love. We may feel cheated of the time we had it but the love was a gift - and some people never find that xx

Hello wend53.

So sorry for the loss of your husband,  it's an extremely painful time for us, I hope you find support on this group as I have. 

I lost my lovely husband last August we were together for 47 years,  like you I still speak about him in the present tense, I still have all his clothes his wardrobe is the same as is his shelf in the bathroom,  I cant imagine a time when I'll part with anything. 

I miss him every day and talk about him everyday as do our sons and daughter,  he will always be with me in my heart.

That's what's do good about this group,  we can talk about our loved ones , everyone understands. 

 We all grieve in our own way, its what's right for us.  

Take care. Xx

Hi rolo1

Your words are so right , the intensity of love we have is matched by the intensity of the pain we feel..and how wonder is is to have had such love. 

Xx

Hi Bluebell

i am normally an optimist although Stephen’s death has tested this! When I try to keep above the surface I even see his illness in a different light. His illness was the harshest, most brutal and harrowing journey I have ever taken, but simultaneously it was the most intimate, intense and meaningful time I have ever spent with another soul. For me, this is the only way I can make any sense of what we experienced. xxx

Thankyou bluebell for your kind message, I am trying to get through this as best as I can but because I have mental health issues it makes things more difficult for me , I feel like I failed him I'm many ways because his family ruined the funeral as they made it all about them not him , I wasn't allowed to speak my own words and that really upsets me, , I know ppl say time heals but for me myself part of me went with him when he died in my arms, at least I gave him that one special wish .

Thankyou so much for your kind message rolo1 it's nice to be able to talk to ppl who actually understands how I'm feeling right now as I have mental health issues which makes things more painful and difficult for me in order to deal with this tragic event in my life 

Just a thought but have you asked about counselling at all? My local hospice provided counselling whilst Stephen was ill and have also offered bereavement counselling when I’m ready. I have found it really useful. The counsellor understands how we feel and it just gives you some space to talk with no judgment. I’ve actually found it was really helpful. I live in my own now as family are abroad. It’s been a lifeline for me. Big hug XX 

I cannot do any sort of counselling as it triggers my past too much , I'd tried bereavement counselling once before and I had a really bad experience, that is why it's not an option, thankyou for thinking about it as a direction for me , my former friend insists that I stop talking about my Peter in the present sense, shame on her