Coping with the aftermath

Hi Rolo1

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is devastating to lose our partners and the pain and loss we feel is unbearable at times.

I lost my husband 5 months ago and I was with him when he died. It wasn't a peaceful passing and I was traumatised afterwards.  Like you I couldn't get what happened out of my mind and kept replaying everything over and over again.

As time has passed these visions are not as vivid as they were and I am hoping in time they will fade more and just the lovely memories of my husband will remain.

I remember asking the same question as you in the early days. I was advised to take everything a day or even an hour at a time and this was very good advice. 

It is very early days for you so take your time and be kind to yourself.

Sarah x

Thank you Sarah. It does feel like just one day at a time is all I can deal with - one hour sometimes . I know it’s been a tiring journey and I’m at a deficit. He told the consultant that I was Batman to his Robin. You have to be strong and positive through the process - major bleeds (and I’m rubbish with blood). It’s like you’re on high alert all the time and then it’s nothing but a void. It’s early days as you say. It’s good to know some of those images might fade, become less prevalent. I want the lovely memories to take over.  I’m glad I’ve joined this group to meet other people who have been at a similar spot and kept walking even when the journey seems impossible just now. I’m so sorry that you have had to witness heartbreaking scenes too xx

Hi Rolo,

From what I have heard this is quite common. I nursed my husband through 2 years of NG tubes and stents (oesophageal cancer, PICC lines etc.. He died at the end of January. As a former radiographer that did not fizz with me. But that is because I was used to them and expected them. But I think if that had been my first introduction to that sort thing I would have been exactly the same. As a trainee radiographer (back in the 70s) I was partly horrified coming into contact with these and other things. So I think your reaction is 100% normal. The double trauma of it being your partner as well. Even though I was so familiar with everything I HATED that he had to go through any of it. 

I keep being haunted by the last 2 weeks of my husbands life and his difficulties. So in many ways it is similarly your reaction. I would have liked to nurse him the last week at home but I have a really bad back injury and he was getting to the point he needed me to change his position in bed. So I wrestle with him being in a hospice. Also he needed a procedure. If that had happened at home I would have been fighting the A/E queue. So I know it was as well he was where he was as the hospice had express access at the local hospital.

I think all of this will ease with time. 

Viv

xxx

My husband passed away 10 weeks ago I feel so lost without him, stage 4 brain Cancer

Thank you Viv for sharing your experience. I’d been expecting a traumatic bleed as the end and was truly scared it would happen at 4 in the morning when we were on our own. I would have used my dark towels and the relaxant but that would have been my nemesis. Thankfully that wasn’t the case. I think that would have been so awful. In the end we were very fortunate in that it was a gentle passing at hospital on his last day. He didn’t want to die in hospital but we had no choice. The coward in me was so grateful to have nurses close at hand. They were so kind. He said he didn’t mind as long as I was next to him and the hospital did let me stay so I balanced on the bed with my head next to him telling him how much he was loved. I couldn’t have asked for a better end after all the other stuff. The images I get are of the wounds and all the tubes but I’m thankful to you and Sarah reassuring me that those might fade. I keep looking at happy, healthy photos hoping they will overtake the others with time xx

I’m so sorry about your loss. I feel completely lost too. A big virtual hug to you. xx

Thanks rolo 1

Really sorry for your loss.

I lost my wife 3 weeks ago tomorrow and i too can only think about the last 10 days.She was at home then had to go into the hospice for her last 5 days.

i cant get those horrible days out of my head.we were devoted to each other and i am totally lost.

I get frustrated that i cant speak to her or see her again.Also i cant look at any photos just yet.

Is this normal?

Hi Steve,

I am so sorry for your loss. Xx

All of this is totally is totally normal. There are days I cannot look at photos of my husband. And, despite my NHS background, I still get very upset by my husband’s last days in the hospice (7 days in his case). I just hate how he gradually  weakened and lapsed towards death. It is almost 4 months since he died and the feelings are lessening in how raw they were but they are very much still there. Time will ease the rawness more I think.

xx

Viv

Definitely normal steveho. Your mind will flash back to those awful moments for sometime yet unfortunately. Try to bring the good memories forward by looking at and talking to photos, I say Hi Handsome, Good morning to Colins pictures every day and Goodnight Honey see you in the morning each night/early hours  as if he is still here after nearly 59 weeks without him. I hope you look at your pictures soon, they will make you smile when you see her face smiling back at you