Grief

Hi Bikegirl,

I’m really sorry to hear about your husband. What a journey to have to make and through a really awful 2020 too.

I think the only thing I can say in answer to your question is that, in my own experience, there is no right or wrong when it comes to grief. It is literally different for everyone. It took me seven weeks to eventually break down and it was at the smallest, most ridiculous thing. It’s been ups and downs, highs and lows since then but slow, steady stabilisation. Be kind to yourself and do whatever YOU need in any moment to deal with things as they come.

Glad you’ve found the support of this group, I hope it continues to give you comfort and a safe space. You’re right, you’re definitely not alone.

Take care, Eryn x

Oh Bike girl

It is early days for you.

Its eighteen months today since i lost my other half. and at the start i never shed a tear really, thought i was doing really well, so many jobs to day, his garden, shed, his cupboards, his paper work, it kept me busy.

Since Christmas i have  really gone down and cried more  than i have the whole time  he has be gone,

I phoned and asked for counselling, i needed help, even though i have grown up children,

A lot of people in the same boat as us, saying after about a year it hits you and now i know what they mean.

Grief  for me as not what i was expecting  the last six months has been the worst of this journey so far,

You are not alone every one here understand what you are going threw,

Great lot of support, please use the group.

Take Care Ellie xx

Ellie, I agree.

I read somewhere that the second year can sometimes be harder than the first and I was like, yeah right! But I have to say, at the risk of disheartening those in the early days, that yes, the second year has been harder for me. I don’t want to discourage anyone, I am only being honest about my own experience as it may help someone else to prepare for things. Again, everyone is different. X

Hi BikeGirl,

I am so sorry for your loss and in the midst of this very difficult and unsettling time too.

I joined this forum in May of 2018 after the death of my beloved Paul who had been struggling with an aggressive form of prostate cancer for 15 years. When they discovered it in 2003, it had already spread to his bones and lymph nodes. For the next 13 years, the cancer was kept under control with various hormone treatments but, sadly, in 2017, he deteriorated and a scan revealed that the cancer was no longer under control and had spread to his liver. He had ten months on Chemotherapy during which I was his carer. And in May of 2018 he died.

One thing I have learned about grief is that it is different for everyone and not a linear journey at all, everyone does grieving differently. Some of us cry a lot at the start and gradually less, others find themselves feeling kind of okay for the first couple of weeks or even months before it really hits them, others are somewhere in between. It is absolutely normal what you are experiencing and just part of your very personal journey of grief.

I am glad you have found us here. This is a lovely group where people do understand because they have been finding themselves in a similar situation to yours.

Lots of love

Mel

Hi bike 

I my husband also had metastic prostrate cancer died on 30 December  18 months after diagnosis 

I am learning we are all different and grieving takes you on your own path  I think first weeks I was in shock now have every emotion going be kind to you big virtual hug x 

I feel for you.  My husband was also diagnosed with Metastatic prostate cancer in February last year.  He passed away in October 2020.  My emotions are out of control.  I can laugh and be cheerful with a visitor and once they have left  cry my eyes out.  Sometimes the grief feels just unbearable.  I loved him so much and he was so brave.

Hello Bike girl

So sorry to hear your story. It is a little over 24 weeks since I lost my husband of 44 years, just 3 months after his diagnosis. You will soo realise that all of us on here are dealing with our grief in different ways but equally, we all understand the pain that we are going through. The support on here has been a huge help to me- the fact that you can say how you’re feeling and no one will judge, and often you will get words of comfort, that remind you that you’re not losing the plot. 
I have to say that not a day goes by where I don’t shed tears- less frequently during the daylight hours but evenings and nigh times are my really low moments. 
Try and be kind to yourself, take things at a pace that suits you and visit this site as often as you feel the need- and don’t feel the need to reply every time, but be sure that any time you do post, there are folk here who will just get it

Take care

Jane

x

Hi  Bike Girl  Welcome to the group I'm so sorry for your loss at this time and feel your pain I'm two years on and , and do so miss my love everyday . It is so early since your husband was called and emotions are just scrambled and mixed confusing there are lots of good people on here I'm sure can explain things better than me , I'm not the greatest with words . Please take care of yourself and eat sleep and cry . James 

Welcome Bikegirl

Sadly the welcome is hard to give, this is a group that none of us want to be part of as it means we've lost a loved one.  

Grief is a personal issue..there is no textbook norm. Some cry nonstop, some eat, don't eat, shout, drink, medicate, see psychics, go to church, or simply carry on functioning as normal. We all do what works for us on any given day.

I can also recall the early days of diagnosis.. I sat on my husband's lap and we sobbed together.  Even more than I did when he passed away a few ttraumatic weeks later... The next time the real sobs caught me by surprise was the day I walked into the house alone with his ashes in a tube!  

I think we are so busy trying to function, organise things, come to terms with death, keep people at arms length that we brush away the emotion and the teardrops and keep our true grief and loss hidden away. I'm scared now that if I was to give in to tears in the way I want to I dont think I would want to stop and face the world ever again.

Cope with each day in whatever way you find works for you. Grief doesn't have to be an outward display of noisy, snotty emotion or anger. 

Pooka, it was eerie how close your recollection and feelings match what I feel just now, it is  a sad comfort to read your experiences. I have yet to collect my husbands ashes, but will take myself as I am without trying to anticipate how I will react. That is the point that I have taken from everyone's response. Thank you for responding it has helped me to reflect on what has happened.