Unexpected Reminders

Yes it gets harder. I still get  his mail and emails after 18 months. At first it hurt. Now I look forward to it. I like that some computer somewhere thinks he is alive. Maybe I need counselling. Grief is such a b*rd. I tried so hard to hang on to him. But you just get further and further away from him/her. It moulds itself into a cage that traps everything you do see feel hear. Every conversation you have  especially over the garden fence. Everything you view. Every music you listen to. Every newspaper article you read. Every telly program you watch. Time really does heal. It stops the bleeding. You just get to live with the scars. 

Pooka I can imagine getting this post is upsetting, sounds like one arm doesn’t know what the other arm is doing very typical of large organisations.  My bug bear is emails addressed to my wife Lynn who passed away 14 months ago, somehow some still arrive to this day even after informing them.  Stuff like  ‘How are you coping with lockdown Lynn’ on ads!  
Take care 

Peter x

Post takes you of guard./

Its 18months for me now, never thought i would be this far down the road with out him, the road has so many ups and down, left turns and right turns, i would just like the road to go straight.

When Tom passed, the bank was informed as t was a joint account, also the building society as that was joint,

Received two ; letters last week.

Addressed to Mrs    saying we like to look after our cu tomes and it has just come to their notice that when they where informed of Tom's passing they had not acted on if,  was some how over looked, and they where just in the process of putting both accounts in my name.

It does make you wonder why we bother informing these people.

Oh a different note now after 18 month i have asked for counselling, i had a complete melt down after Christmas, it has taken this long for me to except that he has gone, and i did not know who ellie was on her own

Though the counsellor said you will always be Ellie and Tom, you have a bond, you have children and grandchildren and that is the bond you both created so he will live on with in that bond.

You all take care Ellie x

Hi Ellie,

That's the question I'm struggling with: who am I without Gilles? I know I'm a lost soul feeling very helpless at times. trying to occupy myself, searching for answers but finding very few. I hope I'm more than that but can't figure it out just yet.

I feel the same Limbo. I feel like I’m just playing at life right now, trying to work out who I am without my darling Clive. We’ve spent the last 23 years as a couple, you become so intertwined with that person. Obviously some of me remains but I’m different to who I was before I met Clive, and different to the person I was when with Clive. I guess for now it doesn’t really matter. Right now I just need to take it one day at a time and try and make the most of every moment. X

I know what you mean. I’m not sure I’m ready to really think about who I am without Chris. I definitely feel lost- we’d been a couple since 1974. Even though we had different hobbies and interests, we were definitely a couple who also had lots of things we did together. Now I’ve got to think about doing those things on my own. It’s so hard and so painful. So for now I’m just facing each day as it comes and not looking for too many answers to those hard questions.

Take care

Jane

x

Hi Pooka,

Picking up all letters after the postie has been unnerves me now as I know theres always going to be one letter addressed to her directly or to the executor of my late wife, and as soon as they drop on the floor it goes through my head “what will this one be about” and try and second guess what the contents of the letter will be?

I’m definitely finding it harder to cope with this grief too and I agree with you that time doesn’t always heal, but what I do think is...... you just learn to live with it.

I do hope we all find peace, Ian x

Hi all, 

Same for me too.

I just don’t feel complete anymore without Marie. I can’t even look at a photograph of her yet without breaking down into tears, and in fact I’ve just wiped my eyes dry a few minutes ago as I caught a glimpse of her on my ‘FaceBook profile picture’ its a one with me and Marie with the kids when we were much younger that I uploaded a few days after she’d passed away on the 14th February.

I just keep thinking that she will be coming back home any minute and I don’t seem to be able to get my head around the fact that I will never see her beautiful face again or listen to her wise words when some kind of issue arises.

And to top it all, I’m looking at houses at the moment and I saw a lovely house today and I got a lovely feeling about it as soon as I walked through the door, ‘but I just needed a little bit of reassurance’ that it was the right one from her but sadly there were no wise words coming back in my direction from anyone and I got very upset later in the day thinking about planning for a future without her and my initial enthusiasm just petered out. Life just isn’t fair is it 

So now I have to ask you lovely people for advice instead, as you’ve become the voices of reason in my life now and the people who really understand exactly how I feel too as you’re all going through this awful bereavment process too. And of course you can ask me for a few words of wisdom in return, as I’d be only too happy to help anyone of you at anytime. 

It’s been a tough day for me today and I’m just hoping that I’m doing the right thing as this was something that we both wanted, a lovely house with a garden. I know this sounds like a radical thing i’m doing and to move house at this time so soon after her passing, and I know it isn’t for everyone on this forum but it is right for me.

I really do wish I had a magic wand for us all and we could have our old lives back as they were before we lost our soulmates and before they were poorly with cancer.

I do hope that we all find peace someday, Ian xx

Hi Ian,

Maybe the happy feeling you had was the reassurance you were looking for. You alone can know what's right for you; never mind what may seem radical to others. Sleep on it a bit to be sure. I admire your strength to go and look at houses now. I agree with you, life is not fair; it's random and sometimes cruel.

I wrote something to myself yesterday and I do feel like posting it because it's about the old life that I can't get back and which I'm mourning just as much I'm mourning my husband. It came to me yesterday that I needed to "bury me". It's not meant to be a dismal, dreary thought. My husband is buried in France and I'm now living in one of the French overseas departments. I've decided that if I can go back to France this summer (Covid permitting) and visit the grave, I'm going to bury something that will be symbolic of that life that I've lost, but I'll let you read what I wrote. 

Gilles died, was cremated and buried. Part of me died but was left unburied. There was no cremation, no ceremony, no ritual, no occasion to grieve the death in me. There was no good-bye, no official announcement, only my tears that mingled with those for Gilles. No-one offered their condolences for the life that I lost; no-one mourned my future that was aborted; no-one laid wreaths or built headstones for that self that perished. Can that ghost that remains find repose one day; can that spirit from the past be bidden farewell? Were I to perform a ceremony, what could it look like? Would it open the door to more light?

Thank you Limbo,

You’re words ring true with myself and so many others who’ll read your post and they are so very poignant with respect of how all our lives have changed forever more. You’re definitely doing the right thing by returning to Gilles grave and to carry out, as you say; this symbolic burial of your old life. 

Please let us all know how the experience makes you feel, and if its not too personal also feel free to let us know what item/s you have buried with Gilles from your old life, but only of course if you would like to share this information and I’d totally understand it if you didn’t want to.

I do hope that we all find peace someday, Ian xx