Day after Funeral (MyPineapple)

Hi Mypineapple,

I know you'll be reading this in the safe haven of your home. And I feel that it is good for you being there right now because it is, after all, your home and you can be yourself there.

I always feel very safe at home and part of it is that this is where Paul and I used to live and go through everything together.

it is so sad that Dave and you had so little time, especially as a married couple, and that your families met for the first time at the week. Who could have known?

as for the argument with your sister, I am glad you can put it in perspective. Of course it is very sad that, as you say, at a time like this emotions of all kinds can come up and it is not always easy to deal with them. I am glad you had a hug later.

you are talking about storage for Daves things. I hope you don't mind my adding a word of caution here. It is not my trying to belittle you are talk you out of it. How could I? I am not you and we are only getting to know each other here on this forum right now. What I am going to say is simply because of my own experience and what I know from many other people who have gone through a similar situation. Maybe it would be good to wait a little while before you make a decision on this? The reason I am saying this is because What they always say, and this is indeed part of my own experience, is that we should not make decisions too hastely when somebody is gone. At the moment it might feel like you can't have Dave's things around you, but what if this changes in a week or a month from now? Is it really the right thing to do right now or would it be better to wait and sleep on it for a little while before you make a decision? As I say, I am only saying this as a gentle suggestion because I have experienced people making big decisions right after their loved ones death and they regretted it later on. And I also know from myself, people said to me that perhaps I should get rid of at least some of Paul's things and so I put his shoes and some of his clothes in a bag and went out to the charity shop. I had to turn back halfway down the road because I was in tears and I realised that it was simply wrong for me to get rid of his things. And on the other hand there are people who make a big decision right after the funeral and for them it is absolutely right. So I guess what I am trying to say here is that It is very possible that this is right for you, and it sounds like it is, but perhaps you will find that it wasn't the right decision or that you made the decision too soon. So maybe it would be a good idea to wait? And when you still feel the same in a week from now or maybe two weeks from now, then this would be something you could do?

I hope you will be able to sleep tonight and that the sleeping tablet is going to work. maybe you could listen to something when going to sleep? I have always done this since Paul's death and it has really helped me to switch off at night. they're lovely audiobooks of course and also some lovely guided meditations for sleep on the Internet on YouTube.

lots of love Mel

Dear Allison, it’s such a rollercoaster of emotions isn’t it? Looking back to the days after Chris’ funeral I can’t remember much at all- except for my failed attempt to bring his ashes home. I certainly don’t think it provided a sense of finality, in fact I still struggle with that now and it’s almost 21 weeks. I don’t think that this rather strange life were all forced to lead at the moment helps that. 
My sleep pattern is still erratic. I seem to have two or three nights of interrupted sleep and then exhaustion kicks in and I sleep well, or better, for a couple of nights. 
I understand that you feel your own home is some sort of haven. We’ve been in this house for almost 37 years and every single room has some example of Chris’ handiwork- from the kitchen he refitted when I retired to the hall he decorated after his diagnosis last July! 

i hope that you manage to sleep better tonight- perhaps being back in your home will help.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Jane

xx

Hello Mel

I have hung on to almost everything of Chris’- just got rid of his medication and some of his hospital stuff. One of the reasons I’m waiting until the time feels right is that when we lost my mum, my brother and his wife were very keen to get her house on the market and so we got rid of her things very quickly. With hindsight it was too quick for me and I especially regret that I didn’t have some of her clothes made into a memory bear. I pm determined not to have that sense of regret again. I’ve decided that I don’t care what other people think and in fact have learnt that my step mum still has my dad’s dressing gown on her bedroom door- he passed away nearly 18 years ago. I guess it’s easier not to mind about what other people think when they’re not actually allowed to visit me! 
We all need to do what is right for us, don’t we? 
Hugs xx

Hi Mel

Thank you for your reply. 
I totally get what you’re saying about not making any decisions about Dave’s things. I appreciate you putting those thoughts to me.

I can assure you I am NOT getting rid of anything. Nothing is going to charity or being sold I am simply moving things from ‘view’ because personally I need that. Dave had only lived here 21 months! Felt like forever just like our 7 years did because we really were one! But the main part that represented Dave was his computer & desk in the living room! His son already took those back to Liverpool. The rest are bits and his clothes and it kills me to see them. I’m storing them in nice zip storage bags in the house. I can open them, take out anything I want and pop it back whenever I need. But I do thank you for the warning. I won’t let anything of his go for good unless I’m completely ready! 

As for sleep... I’m half way thru a bottle of Prosecco and I’m taking the allocated two sleeping pills later tonight so fingers crossed!!  
xxx

Rollercoaster for sure Jane. 
Xx

Hi Mypineapple,

AAh I understand. That sounds like a very good thing:keeping his things, just out of sight but there if you want them, and time will tell the rest.

enjoy the Prosecco. I have just finished a bottle of white wine.

Love Mel

Hi pineapple 

sending you a big virtual hug xx I am glad you feel some comfort being home i think we just go into automatic pilot like I need to do this know and then the reality hits my hubby was a better shopper than me and would often bring me home a present I am finding I don’t have any tolerance for other people when out and like you would tell my hubby to chill but I am realising my emotional all over the place so ok xx please take care of you very early days xxx 

Xxx

Hi 

I did the same, put Ric's things into the attic. They are there if I want them but not dragging it all up again. I kept one or two things out but it has gradually been stored. I wanted my home and identity back! 

But also what is right for one is not right for another

Take care. It does ease over time.

Love and hugs Alison xxx