Just heard the funeral directors have his ashes

Hi olivetree

I'm so sorry for your loss, there are no words to make it better. It really is such a physical pain that nothing can ease.

It is 11 weeks since I lost my huband and I was the same as you when the funeral director rang me to say his ashes were ready to be collected. I couldn't get them as that would mean he was really gone. They told me not to rush and come in whenever I was ready, which helped as I knew there was no pressure.

Strangley though at the beginning of the next month I decided I needed to bring him home and felt better when I had got them.  I talk to them all the time, John would laugh at me I know but it helps me a little.  I was planning to scatter them but I'm not ready for that yet, but there's no rush. Take your time and get them when you feel ready.

I agree that the house is too quiet, I am living on my own now, so I have the TV on most of the day just to break the awful silence. I can't listen to any music for some reason, it all reduces me to tears, so no radio apart from talk shows.

The feelings of being lost is normal, I feel like that and have no purpose. I live a day, hour at a time, it's the only way I can get through each day. My life feels quite miserable at the moment but I hope that one day I will be able to enjoy it again. We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Take care xx

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I think I want to bring him home. Can’t write much more but thank you. Xxxx

Hello Olivetree

So sorry for your loss, it is truly unbelievable pain to lose the one you love. 

I lost my husband almost 21 weeks ago. Shortly after his funeral, I went to the funeral director to collect the photos that were used in the order of service and to bring his ashes home. I honestly believed I was ready and strong enough, so went on my own. Within minutes of talking to the funeral director, who was a lovely young man, I was sobbing and he gently pointed out that I didn’t have to bring Chris’ ashes away with me if I didn’t feel ready. So I came away with just the photos. As Christmas approached and I had my sons and daughter-in-law with me, I had a really strong feeling that Chris should be with us for Christmas. So my eldest son came with me and we brought him home. 

His ashes are still here, overlooking the garden, his pride and joy. I couldn’t scatter them when it’s been so wet and so snowy. I talk to him every day. And yes, Chris would laugh at me talking to him. I know I’ll have to scatter them soon but want to wait until spring has arrived and I’m ready to say a final goodbye. 

I hate the quiet too- the radio or television are on constantly. And yes, many songs on the radio reduce me to tears- even songs he never heard. Can’t bear to listen to Sunday Love Songs! 

I’m taking each day as it comes- some are productive, some drag and seem to last forever. But I’m doing the best I can when I seem to carry round this huge pain. 

Take things at your own pace- be kind to yourself and do things when you are ready to. 
Sending hugs

xx

Sometimes I dont feel up to replying and just read the posts, they always help me realise I'm not alone in what I'm going through.

I've had times when I've thought I couldnt carry on but the support from this group has always helped me.

Be kind to yourself, I've learned not to expect too much from myself and take your time with everything that you can.

And keep posting whenever you need, we are all here for each other.

Sending a virtual hug xxx

The matter of the ashes - like most things since becoming a bereaved spouse - shows us all just how different we all react to the process.

Our funeral director rang me on Tuesday and I just put the dog in the car and went literally as I was - no bra, grubby T-shirt I’d slept in, my dog walking muddy shoes and old leggings. I picked up my beloveds ashes (I was surprised how much they weighed) and drove home talking to Gordon and the dog all the way. It felt so good to be back together. I fully understand everyone’s different views and wish you all the very best. We must all do what we have to do.

Gordon has been gone almost four weeks now and to put it very simply I miss him.

June  

Evening Olivertree,

It’s a pain like no other and some days it’s worse than others. I brought Gary’s ashes home as soon as I could (the lovely funeral director collected them for me and I just had to go up to the office in town and get them). It felt right to do that and I’ve felt a strange sense of satisfaction knowing he’s here with me in the house he loved. I’ve got him upstairs in the bedroom and I chat to him all the time and always say good morning darlin and goodnight darlin as we always did. I’ve got loads of photos round the house too (taken pre-cancer naturally) and talk away to him as normal. Anyone listening to me would think I was off my head but it works for me and I swear he answers back. I hear his voice in my head chatting back to me. It’s maybe that I knew him so well that I knew what his reaction or answer would be but it’s reassuring all the same. 
I’ve no idea what I’m going to do with Gary’s ashes. We never discussed anything like that. I’ll probably keep them with me til I go then we can go off together. He’d like that. 

The house is very quiet and I often put the football on for background noise because the football was always on in our house. I’ve kept the Sky Sports package because it keeps him near. 

This site is a lifeline on the days I’m feeling rubbish but it’s also a friendly place on the days when I’m feeling stronger. There’s a really nice bunch of people on here and we’re helping each other through what must be the worst time of our lives. 

One day at a time, that’s all we can do for now.

Virtual hugs  

Peigi xx 

Good evening, 

I collected Rob's ashes over 2 weeks ago, I went within the hour of getting the telephone call.

I am not sure how I feel about them.

I don't talk to Rob exactly, but talk to him through the dog, his sole mate.

I am on with making arrangements to have the ashes interned at the village church yard,.

I have had a difficult week, maybe worse of all 7 weeks. Little things, Sky not working, spread sheet difficulties, guttering falling off in wind, paperwork, toilet over flow, all the things Rob would have sorted. The realisation of upkeeping the house as hit, plus concerns of returning to work next week.

All got too much 

Tomorrow is another day 

Love Donna xx

Hey Donna,

As long as you're talking to Rob through the dog you're talking to him

It's strange you say that you've had a difficult week. After 11 weeks of feeling relatively ok (bar the odd meltdown), I hit a wall this week. I seem to have dragged myself out of it now but it was scary.

I've had a couple of issues with the house since Gary died too - I always nagged him that it was always me that had to do everything but I'm finding out now that whenever practical things needed doing, he did them quietly. I'm lucky in that I've got his dad to help me with practical stuff (he likes being useful) and my brother has stepped up to the mark too. I hate being seen as this pathetic widow-woman who can't do anything for herself though. Maybe I'll learn new skills LOL.

Going back to work is probably a good thing in that it'll give you routine, distraction and human contact but don't take on too much at once. It's early days yet. I took early retirement 2 months ago (made the decision before we lost Gary) and now find myself jobless and without my soulmate. I could have gone back but decided I'd had enough and needed time to heal after the last 15 months. I'll find something else when I'm ready and life is a wee bit more normal.

I hope tomorrow's a good day for us all,

Peigi xx

Oh olivetree 

My heart is with you. Reading your story you’ve been through so much like so many on here and even made harder by covid.

Try to hold onto the fact he’s no longer in pain. I know that’s hard as I’m not doing a good job of that myself but I do try...

Keep reaching out, we are all here. Xx

Couldn’t agree more with that whole message Sarah xx