I’m about...

Huge hugs. Xxx

Thinking of you, we are all here for you 

Sending you strength 

Donna x

Hi Donna, Kenickiesmum & all listening 

I’m now lay in bed. I’m staying over at my sisters tonight. 
The funeral went well in that I and his son, brother, step-mum, my nephew & his work colleague all got thru our speeches. Sadly sounds like the webcast that a lot of people were using due to covid cut out half way through my words (I went first) as if covid doesn’t bring enough strain to all this for us all! 
It was a lovely service though but I cried all the way through. 
I thought I’d feel a sense of ...finality maybe...a more defined sense that my darling has really gone...but no! All still so unreal. That cannot have been my David’s funeral. 
He’s been gone from me now 12 days (more really in that the last week he was barley lucid for long) yet STILL I can’t seem to accept it as real. I still think I’ll wake up. 
I know this is normal though because of you lovely people on here who have had a lot more days now without your loved one she still feel like I do. 
I need to accept it to really start making progress on ...what? Moving forward? I can’t look past every hour yet. 
The best part of today was my morning where I somehow found a little calm. I’m proud of myself for doing my speech though as despite not being exactly a wallflower that was out of my comfort zone. 
I’ve just taken a sleeping tablet prescribed for me, hoping I finally get some solid sleep. 

Good night and again thank you for being there, for  sharing. Xx

It's wonderful that you found the strength to speak at the funeral. I hope you got the sleep you were hoping for and that the days ahead you can find the calm, at times, you found that morning.

Well done you for getting through the day - and for speaking at the funeral. There’s no way I (or any of us in Gary’s family) could have done that. We had a good friend conduct the service so it was personal in that regard but as you say, it didn’t seem real and I felt like I was at someone else’s funeral. We had the service recorded and I’ve watched it back several times (because  I just felt numb at the time) and it just feels desperately sad. 

I’m sorry the sleeping tablet didn’t do the trick for you last night, your mind would have been in overdrive. Hope tonight’s better. 

You can properly make a start on the official stuff now and that helped me at the time because keeping busy stopped me thinking too much and gave me a sense of achievement once I’d ticked things off. 

I’m 11 weeks on now and although the rawness has subsided, I still get waves of unbearable sadness (this week has been particularly bad for some reason). The overall direction though is a positive one but as someone on here said, grief is not linear and we must bear that in mind.

Sending love and support to you and everyone in this position we all wish we weren’t in.

Peigi xx  

Hi Mzpineapple,

I was thinking of you yesterday. I am glad the funeral went well and that you are happy {I know that's a strange word to use and to the right one but hopefully you know what I mean} that it went so well. Well done on making a speech. Your dave would be so proud of you - as he has always been. 

I too thought that I would feel different after my Paul's funeral. But I didn't. His death was still as unreal to me than it had been only two or three days after his death. It took weeks if not months for the new reality to sink in. And, you know what, I actually think that was good and right for me because that way my psyche could deal with the shock and trauma first and let the new reality come in very slowly. Does that make sense? 

I too remember moments when I expected Paul to come through the door, to sit beside me... I even remember one night when I woke up and was so sure to hear him breathe beside me and to touch his hair as I reached for him. It was very strange. This kind of thing hasn't happened in a long time now. Perhaps it cannot happen again because I have accepted that he will never ever come back. 

Your Dave sounds so much like my Paul when you describe how he bought Christmas gifts that were... I think you called it "daft", I have always called this kind of thing "playful". Paul was such a playful person and had so much fun even with the very little things in life. 

I am on sleeping tablets too. One Yorclone every hight. Mostly I sleep well, but sometimes I can't go to sleep even though I have taken it. 

Love and a virtual hug, Mel.