One year on and doing OK

Good morning, thank you for sharing, so lovely.

I smiled at your account on computers, passwords and wills  My Rob left everything so organised, lists for everything. He got rid of things before his death, sold or gave away. He sold his car all to make life easier for me. I thank him for this, we had 11 weeks at home and he was with it until the end. He arranged his funeral, songs, list of 30 people etc. He was an organised person throughout his life, so he continued until the end.

I struggle to see how he did what he did, struggling with the cancer and planning for death which could have been any day, he was given weeks to live and lived 11 weeks.

I miss him so much. but as time goes on I know I will have learnt something from him and be a better person for knowing and loved him.

Love Donna x

Hi NellieJ,

Thank you so much for your lovely post and for sharing so much about how your life is now. 

So much from your post resonates with me. 

Like you, I first was a member of a different group - well, two in fact - the carers group and the group for prostate cancer patients. It certainly helped me to make sense of the situation as carer and of some things related to the diagnosis of prostate cancer. I was also a member of Health Unlocked and the prostate cancer forum there which was really valuable too. 

In June 2018, only a few weeks after Paul's death, I moved into the bereaved spouse group. I used to write a lot at the start and maybe throughout the first year, but less and less; often I sought advice or just a kind word during the first year but, as time went on, I found myself more and more helping the other members on the forum with my posts, especially the newly bereaved ones. And I am still here because I feel that this is a wonderful group where we can talk to each other so well about the loss of our partners and where others will always be able to understand. Honestly, if I felt really shit tomorrow, I would come on here first and talk about it here and ask what you all think or if you perhaps have any advice. 

I too have moved forward in my life. I am still thinking of Paul every single day, but I have learned that missing Paul and moving forward in my own life is no longer a contradiction. 

I joined walking groups and made friends in those groups. Of course we are not walking now and I haven't met my friends for months. 

I founded a Meetup group for people under 50 who have lost their partner and we are going to meet tomorrow evening for the first time on Zoom. 

I have kept up my social life because I really knew that I needed to keep myself busy and active and in close contact with people because I have never been a person who likes to be on her own much or for long stretches of time. I have deepened all my friendships and have made new acquaintances.

I have kept working at my business and have continued with professional and personal development. I am currently doing a business coaching course as I want to bring my business more online and offer my services to more people over Zoom and Whatsapp. 

I have also written and published my book. 

Before the first lockdown hit in Ireland, I came to Germany to be with my family. It wasn't a good decision because, since then, Ireland and Germany have taken turns to be in lockdown and I have never flown home again. I really want to go home because I miss my life in Ireland, our house, my friends, just everything. But I don't want to fly back now and end up in a very isolated situation as I know that this would be very hard on me especially now that I have been with my family for such a long period of time. I am hoping to return in early April. 

My life is okay. It is certainly not the life I had hoped for. But it is a good life and a life I feel I can only live as long as I don't look into the future. If I look into the future and realise once more that it is going to be without Paul, it frightens me and makes me verz sad. But as long as I live day by day, sometimes perhaps week by week or month by month even, life really is okay. 

Lots of love to all

Mel.

Hi ladiies, I have now moved forward too. It would have been Ric's birthday today but although I have thought about it, it has no longer made me sad. It is the second since he passed.

I am fortunate that I have formed a relationship with an old friend, it was a rocky start but he treats me well and we have fun and a laugh. I won't go down the marriage route ever again. I don't want that sort of tie or responsibility. I have found me. I am no longer the old pushover who was actually manipulated by my husband. I am actually Alison who has a career, children (who are both grown up), my own friends and a life. 

I like being me. I went to my first husband's grave last.week, something I don't feel the need to do too often. I really feel that I have grieved both Simon and Ric. I remember the good times, watch our children bloom and no longer dwell on what might have been..

I am sick of the lockdown situation but for the first time in ages, got out in the hills for a walk and fresh air!!! I actually felt alive.

Hope the knee continues to go well Nelliej, I had my hip replacement 14 years ago and it is still brill. 

Glad you published Mel and hope you are home soon

Lots of love Alison xxx

Hi NellieJ and everyone else!

Things I guess are still a bit different for me as it is only just over 11 weeks since I lost my hubby (52). I was the same in that I belonged to the ‘supporting someone terminally ill’ group, as well as then group for ‘carers’ and ‘stomach cancer’. I wanted to arm myself with as much information as possible. I then joined this group the day my husband died on 10 December.

Already the acute raw pain has subsided a little bit as I come to terms with what has happened. On the surface I manage to function, though I find working quite hard as that is a step too far into a world of ‘normality’ that I’m not quite ready for. I feel like my life now needs to be different in order to cope, I guess I’m still denying my new reality a little.

NellieJ it means a lot to read your post as it gives me hope for the future. A future that I really don’t want but am stuck with, so need to find a way through. My husband desperately wanted to live and never came to the point of ‘acceptance’ with his illness, so we never talked about a future without him in it. But it was always in the back of my mind. I’ve now joined WAY as I was 46 when he died, they are very active online and hopefully I’ll also be able to meet up with some of them soon too. I walk every day which seems to be my new therapy and am staying in touch with friends as I’m sure I will need them more in the future.  

As my husband had his life cut way too short, I know he would want me to carry on and try and appreciate and enjoy life as much as possible as he no longer gets that privilege. So as tough as it is I need to find a way to do that, and move forward with my grief.

You are an amazing bunch of people and I would be lost without you.

x

Thank you for these - and I hope that finding a way through it and coping with is possible. Living alongside something. And what I value is that everyone does it differently and having others different points of view all help me navigate a way through.  I am Penny  (Brighton Sussex) on Way / Way up . . My name here - NellieJ is /was the name of my partners boat - I did not let him move in with me and he couldnt afford a flat - so he had the boat as part time home. Get in touch if you want or private message me if you want - from my view  -  life has to be about living with something and still living