Realisation I am on my own, 5 weeks

Hi there,

At this moment 12 mid day 5 weeks ago, my partner collapsed and died at home. I live that moment over and over.

What I have learnt today that I (maybe you) truly are on my own. People say hope you have family and friends for support, well yes, but can now see people even close family and friends have there own struggles and I can't put on them. Yes I will answer their calls, but no emotional out breaks from now on.

Before meeting Rob 17 years ago I was independent, we both were, our lives became one. Now I am lost and completey broken, but I write this as a positive, as i realise I can do this.

For the last 7 months since his cancer diagnosis, things got put on hold. I gave up work to look after him in September, with lockdown and clear aim to keep us both safe of covid. We muddled through 11 weeks of end of life care and he got his wish to die at home, the circumstance of his death were trumatic and not what I would of hoped for. We were blessed with 11 weeks after been told he had weeks not months.

So onwards doing the jobs that were put in hold, so painted a door today, been washing carpets, small manageable steps and keeps me busy.

Today I know he will be proud of me.

Sending best wishes to everyone.

love D x

  • Hi ChilliChilli

    You are doing what I still do many weeks later and re-live how this happened and that happened at this time x number of days/weeks/months ago. I watch the clock every Sunday and say the same things. We are very good at self torture but also we need to praise ourselves for doing all we possibly could during those difficult times and even now when we have all the legalities etc to deal with. 

    Going back to work part time can be a good distraction and will make you 'swap heads' for a few hours and make you think of other stuff and not dwell on what's missing from our lives - I think it's worked for me anyway.  Like you I was independent before I got on with Colin and have to be again now with the added benefit (!) of his 4 sons, 2 with partners and grand-girls Heart eyes but I live alone and they have their own lives to live. 

    Lockdown prevents so many things but there's light at the end of the tunnel hopefully we'll all feel better when we can socialise.

    Virtual hugs Hugging

    Tomorrow is another day
  • Gosh you are so right about things being put on hold. When I look back at things we did I keep thinking it was last year and then realise it was the year before and the whole of 2020 feels like this weird limbo as my hubby lived with his cancer that whole year, so everything else was put aside while we dealt with that.

    I was independent too before meeting my hubby but that feels like an absolute lifetime ago now, one I can barely recall. So now it’s about one day at a time and try and work out how to live as just me again (well and the dog). I have two wonderful stepchildren also, but they are starting out in life with babies (or on the way) so I can only encroach on their lives so much. 

    It’s only 10 weeks but I feel hopeful that one day I’ll enjoy life again. And with restrictions due to be lifted soon I’m going to be brave and book myself a cottage in Cornwall for just me and my doggie. It’s where my hubby and I loved so I feel I want to go there again for him. I have no idea how I’ll feel going alone (even the car journey will be emotional as we used to love stopping and eating sandwiches along the way, not the same just me), but I need to do this for myself, as the start of my healing process. 

    You all are a great bunch of people and I wouldn’t get through each day without you x

  • Hello ChilliChilli

    I relive my husband’s last day every Monday and have done for the last 18 weeks. The day went from an optimistic start to complete hell in a matter of hours. I find myself watching the clock all day.  If it doesn’t sound too ridiculous, I believe that I know the exact moment he breathed his last- I felt my heart shatter. I’ve not said this out loud to anyone until now. But we’d been together for over 46 years through good times and more challenging ones too. But there were far more positive and happy times and I’m slowly starting to remember those, even though it hurts to think we won’t be making more precious memories together. 
    Thank you to everyone here for being there


  • Hello there,

    Firstly, I want to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. And although you are now on a site with people who never wanted to be here, it is a great site becasuse we are all supporting each other going through this trauma of losing our partner to this horrendous disease. 

    It is great you were able to spend so much time with him before the end and that it was possible for him to die at home.

    Also well done on continuing with the jobs and projects now that got put on hold while you were looking after him during the final months of his life.

    You will have very difficult days followed by better days, sometimes it is a matter of moments before a new feeling comes in, it is all up and down, back and forth, certainly not a linear process. But it will get slightly easier with time.

    I lost my husband Paul in may of 2018. And, like you, I had loving family and friends but, even though they said to me that they were always there for me, I felt very on my own because nobody had lost what I had lost, nobody had gone through something similar, so how could they understand? 

    Love, Mel.

    I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds.