‘Sitting with grief’

Hi Claraul,

So sorry for your loss and it is still so very early. I am almost 11 weeks in and my hubby was 52.

I think you describe the grief well, certainly for me anyway. Right now though I would also add that for me just as the blanket seems to feel a bit lighter as it dries out someone throws a whole load of fresh water all over it and Aleut again it starts weighing me down.

I have read some posts from others (not just in this site) who are years down the line and still feel just as bad, which feels me with dread, as feeling like this is exhausting. But I also realise we all grieve very differently so am hoping that I am able to adjust reasonably well. I don’t ever expect to ‘get over’ it and know that I will always have the pain of losing my husband, but hope that it will become easier to live with the pain.

I also read from someone’s post in here once (sorry can’t remember who), that grief is like carrying a large heavy rock in your chest, with sharp prickly edges. Sometimes those edges stick inside you like a physical pain and the weight of carrying it around is heavy. But as time goes by those sharp edges wear down and the rock gets a bit smaller, you always carry it with you but it becomes a bit lighter and as it gets smoother you don’t get those sharp pains so often. I think if this a lot.

x

hi bramblejo

thank you for replying and I’m sorry for your loss too xx

Yes I totally agree and like you it terrifys me the thought of the heavy grief staying around for years and years, it is utterly exhausting but we can only go through this baby steps at a time we don’t have a crystal ball for a window into the future and everyone is different. 

in my darkest days there is nothing, emptiness, darkness, numb and endless weeping. 

but in my lighter days I actually feel hopeful for a future. I’m quite an adventurous person, as was my husband, and I feel if I start a new adventure (soon, not at the moment) he’ll feel closer to me. 

xx

Well having hopeful days in amongst the awful empty days is positive. I am the same. A week ago I had an awful day, cried constantly and couldn’t see a way forward without my hubby, nor did I want one. Those days are filled with dark thoughts and I just have to try and be kind to myself and allow myself to wallow a bit, as long as it didn’t last too long. But then last few days I have felt just ‘okay’, which I guess is all we can ask for right now.

Not sure if this applies to you but there is a group called ‘Widowed and Young (WAY)’ for anyone who is under 51 when they lost their partner. It is a charity and has a very supportive bunch of members. They have zoom chats if interested and arrange meet ups (when allowed). They also have Facebook groups for those that use it. I have found their support invaluable personally.

x

Hello both

It is definitely early days for both of you. Although it’s slightly longer for me (18 weeks yesterday) I still feel that overwhelming grief and sadness and yes, it is exhausting. 

The description of grief as a blanket works for me too- and yes, every few days someone throws  more water over me too. At the moment it’s a couple of weeks where those dreaded firsts all come- Valentine’s Day, my birthday last week then our eldest sons birthday next week followed by my husbands two days later. So my blanket feels very wet right now.

The comparison to a rock was sent to me by a friend who a few years ago was in the same position as we find ourselves in now. I find it an apt description of how I feel although the edges are yet to smooth down. For the first time since October there have been two consecutive nights where I haven’t sobbed myself to sleep. I’ve shed tears through the day but not cried myself to sleep. 

Take care, stay safe

Virtual hugs

xx

Hi Claraul,

Sorry to hear of your loss.

As well as the organisation Bramblejoo describes, there is also Maggies, they have sites all around the country.

 I have just started a 6 week bereavement course via Zoom with Maggies cancer support which is really helping me with my grief after losing my wife Lynn.   Maggies have been so helpful (as well as the lovely people here).  

Take care.

Peter x

The saturated blanket is a really good description of grief. It reminded me of something I found on here some months ago,

There's an old thread from over 8 years ago by Diamondsgirl titled 'I wrote this to myself then thought it showed my feelings' if you type that into the search magnifying glass it's been read loads of times but I think it should be a pinned post because it explains our feelings so well. 

Well worth looking for. 

Thank you, I will certainly give that a try xxx

Thank you, I’ll have a look xx

Wow! Those words...Diamondsgirl has described exactly what I’m feeling at the moment. Thank you for sharing. 
That fight, that battle you and only you have to face without your rock.

it was each day at a time going through the cancer, and it’s each day at a time going through the grief. 
tomorrow is another day ️

There's another 1- Poem I wrote for the love of my life- written by Lonelysoul  for his wife, that's lovely too, maybe Jebel would appreciate because a man wrote it - we can adjust the words accordingly