New status - widow

Hello Clareaul

I’m so sorry that you have joined this group but you will find lots of support and comfort from the people here who understand what you’ve been through.

You will find comfort that you cared for your husband at home in his last days. You have been through such a tough time.

My husband was in hospital for a week in April 2020, then I brought him home to die. They said he had weeks left but he died in the early hours of Sunday after he’d come home on the Friday night. I was on my own with him and it was traumatic at the end. He never gave up and said that to me, on Saturday, when I told him he couldn’t have any more treatment. We never talked about him dying as he was so positive. 
You will get through the paperwork, I did bits at a time and wrote everything done in a notebook, so that I didn’t forget what was done.

You will find yourself again, but you will never be the same. I hate the W word and still think of myself as married, I think I always will.

Sending you lots of love xx

Hi Claraul,

A big heartfelt welcome to the group no one wants to join but are thankful we have found. I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my hubby just over 8 weeks ago. We had been together 23 years and married 19. He was diagnosed with stomach cancer  xmas Eve 2019 and died a year later. Like sausagedog1 we never talked about him dying even though we had been told he was incurable, as he only ever focused on his treatment and getting through day by day. His strength and determination even at his weakest point made me love him even more.

My hubby died at 52 and I became a widow at 46 just like you (though I’ve since turned 47, so had one of the ‘firsts’ already).

The official stuff is hard but I found it gave me a focus after spending a year working and looking after my husband. That’s pretty much done now and what is left is an empty feeling and no clue what to do now. I find myself going for long walks just aimlessly wandering and trying to clear my head. Some days are okay, some are utterly miserable and my life feels pointless at the moment. 

We are at such an early stage in our grief and I’m not going to pretend that we will be okay any time soon as we probably won’t. But for me personally I know that one day I will. Life will never be the same again but I am determined to find a way in the future to try and make the most of the life I have been left with, and to enjoy the simple things, not just for me but for my husband who doesn’t get that chance anymore.

And I agree with sausagedog1, I will always think of myself as married, just because my husband has died doesn’t mean he is no longer my husband. There is no expiry date on true love.

Keep posting, we’re all here for you. Xx

Dear Clareul,

I am sending you a virtual hug. I’m not very good with words so will be simple. 
my husband went to the gp (on his 51st birthday) with some abdominal pain/discomfort and low grade fever on and off for weeks. By then london was in lockdown and biggest fear then was COVID. 
anyway ...... he was told could be kidney stones or infection and call back if there was blood in urine. 2 weeks later he called gp with blood in urine and was sent to hospital for scans. Our nightmare started on March 30, 2020. Grade 4 tumour on his right kidney with spread to lymph nodes and pancreas . Surgery was planned for next day, however he was sent back home after COVID test as his consultant was tested. He had kidney removed along with bits of pancreas. Results stated stage 4 kidney cancer. While in hospital he developed some other symptoms which revealed that it had spread to his brain where he had a tumour. He came home after 3 weeks in hospital. No visitors allowed so he was really depressed and scared and all alone when on the day he was finally discharged the registrar gave him the devastating news of his diagnosis and poor prognosis. He was a shell of himself when he came home. In much pain and emotionally drained. Daughter is 14 and in online school. He was on steroids which made him angry and unable to shutdown and sleep. Even between surgery and 6 week scan the cancer had started to spread aggressively. He had radiotherapy for the brain tumour. Was scheduled for immunotherapy. He was so weak and had already intuitively known that he wasn’t going to be around longer. By June we were told there was nothing they could do and we could take him home. We brought him home and he was kept on morphine for pain. He died after a week. 
we had celebrated our 20 year anniversary in February. By June 20, 2020 I was a widow. 
I kept going strong handling paperwork, taxes, banking, bills etc. Now I think  it’s finally hitting me the loss of my partner and love. Alone with a teenage girl, I have reinvent myself. I wasn’t working since having my daughter as we wanted to give her a good secure childhood with me staying home to care for her. 
I was 47. Have recently turned 48 and am petrified for the future and what to do, get a job, earn money... put my daughter through school and university.......

I feel anger, sadness and all sorts of feelings all at once. I am hoping I can settle down a bit to be able to concentrate on what option I have and what to do with my life going forward.....

sending you love and strength 

xx

So sorry for your loss. All we can is take of slowly and keep putting one foot in front of the other until one day it feels a bit easier x

Hi there,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. And I am so sorry you didn't have more help towards the end. It sounds like the last days were really exhausting especially because you had no help. But it also sounds like you did everything you could for your lovely man. And I think that it is this which will help you in the weeks and months to come: to know you did everything you could and out of deep love.

My husband died in May of 2018. 

As for whether you will get back to the person you were before, of course I can't say for sure about you, but I can say that I never have been exactly the same as before Paul died - and how could I? I feel like with him a part of me died, it's not only like my other half died but also like a part of me went with him. And, even though I have learned to live without him, I am not the same person as before. And I still miss him every day. 

I am glad you have found this group. It is so helpful for so many of us to talk to people who have gone through the same experience as we have. Sometimes I think that only people who have lost a partner truly understand the kind of feelings we are going through. 

Keep posting, lots of love, 

Mel.