Can't get past this

Hi Bella 

My husband also died a few weeks ago I get fed up with people asking how things our I don’t think people realise what it’s like to lose your other half 

i think your brother in law is not being fair but choose your battles focus on you and what’s best for you big hugs Sarah x 

Bella,

You are never going to be able to move on emotionally whilst you have an unwanted person squatting in your home. You need to address the situation for your own sanity.   If you are not strong enough to stand up to him, enlist the help of a relative or friend, but failing that take legal advice.  Is he paying rent? Was he asked to stay? If not, and he is threatening you, call the police.

You may not feel strong enough to cope but how can you grieve and find your way to adapt to your new way of life without your husband if you are scared of getting his brother out of your house.

Stay strong and don't let him bully you... 

,Hi bella I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and his untimely passing my heart goes out to you at this time and condolences, I'm now two years on in my journey and still come home wishing she was at home it's just so painful all the time really,  my girls brother turned up a couple of month before she passed and stayed with us . Soon after funeral we had words and he kindly bolted . Thankfully and I'm just alone now with my thoughts and we all know how much fun that is . Please take care bella and hope you find the solution to this and your husband's brother does move and let's you grieve in peace . X 

Hi Bella2020,

I am sorry for coming in on this so late. I am very sorry for the loss of your lovely husband. Of course you still expect him to be there when you wake up or when you come home from work. It will take some time to get used to this new normal which of course is one that is very painful to accept and adapt to. The situation with your husband's brother sounds really difficult. It is very unfortunate that you cannot ask him to leave without him getting aggressive with you. Is this perhaps his own way of grieving to want to stay there, almost like pretending that nothing has happened? Do you think it would be possible to sit down with him some time and have a conversation with him about how he feels and what he is thinking about it all and then, very gently, tell him how you are feeling including that you would really like to be on your own to have the space to grieve and come to terms with it all? I suppose what I am trying to suggest is to find a way in which you can talk to him and make him feel that you are part of the same team and might that make him agre to leaving you alone. Nine weeks is not a long time but definitely he cannot stay there indefinitely. Is there somebody else, from your side of the family, you could talk to?

Finally, I would like to say that, even though this is very hard to imagine for you right now, it is true that, after a while, you will be able to get used to your new life, little by little you will adapt to this new reality, even though the pain of loss and, hopefully, lots of lovely memories will always be there. We don't forget, ever, but we become more able to live with the pain of loss.

Lots of love, mind yourself and stay safe, Mel.

Thankyou for your reply 

Sorry I've not been on for a few days to respond 

I have tried on several occasions to talk to my brother  in law about starting to think about his own place to which he just says he's going no where 

He does not contribute towards the housing costs at all and has even said why don't I go with my daughter and sign the house over to him 

I think he may need help with this but when I've suggested that I just get a load of abuse 

I think this is going to end badly and we will end up falling out permanently 

I've tried to do everything I can to help him but it's almost as if he thinks because I'm his brother's wife he's entitled to be looked after by me 

I have now asked the local housing to step in and help me to get him out 

Not the ideal outcome but the only way I think he will listen 

Sharon x

Sharon,

I understand how you feel about not wanting to cause permanent upset with your b- in-law ...

But WELL DONE on taking steps to start the process to get him removed from your home. It may take a while as the wheels of bureaucracy move slowly but the first step is always the hardest. 

I have to say you are a far nicer person than I am as I would have had him physically removed and the locks changed and an injunction in place to stop him coming any where near me or the place.

If he is contributing nothing to the household make sure you dont make him too comfortable by providing anything for him.

Keep strong and please for your own sanity don't back down or he will become a permanent lodger and will gain legal rights.

Big hugs x

Sadly Sharon when we loose someone we love, there is always someone who thinks they are entitled to a share of what is left.

I had problems with my step children who thought they could have a share of my house. It has always been mine from my first marriage! I never wisely put my second husbands name on it and he never contributed in any way to the house or bills! The last 3 years we lived apart for other reasons! I had to block all contact in the end! The only thing I am sorry about is that I actually gave them alot of personal sentimental possessions and some of them were valuable! As well as some ashes! 

They had previously been pretty horrible to their dad! 

I hope your situation improves, you don't need the additional stress.

Take care and stay strong

Love and hugs Alison xxx