Racing towards 3 years - job, house and insomnia

So it’s been a fair few months since I posted might even been before covid arrived. It’s racing towards the 3 year anniversary of my wife Helen’s death - I’d love to delay it with will power but the dates will surely arrive March 4th and April 24th being very significant ones. I think in many ways I still live in some sort of denial in a certain level - I still don’t quite get that my future is going to be based on decisions that only I can and will make. I’ve recently taken the decision that I’m selling the family house - which only I now live in - will hate to leave in so many ways but i fear if I don’t things will stagnate for me on I’ll never really get that I need to do things different now. I was 52 when Helen left. 

I’ve also had 2 thought years at work - company was acquired and the place is so much less close knit and supportive - corporate world has arrived and it’s been toxic. So 2 weeks ago I finally decided that I was leaving the company. Again, something that I’m very nervous about but my mental health was suffering sat every day in that space. I have another opportunity lined up with a small family business - I’m hopeful it’s going to be a better fit (but to be honest I’m scared I’ve lost my ability to function in work as I used to) 

I’ve been doing counselling since February - general not just grief related. I think? its been helpful - certainly helped my think through the work and house decisions.

I still feel very vulnerable and anxious such a lot of the time - it can be incredibly exhausting. I often don’t trust my own judgement. I worry that I have caused by own family a lot of burden by constantly needing reassurance - I feel very needy. my relationship with my two adult girls and mother in law has improved from where it was - after a toe in the water with dating completely backfired emotionally with them.

I still half fantasise about not waking up - which I do feel pretty bad about, but it would be wrong to say I don’t.

I’m that leaving the job will be the positive move that I need - and that a house move will also be the right step.

insomnia is also becoming an annoying pattern for me - so any top tips welcome there. 

Love to all 

Steve 

  • Some random words in there when I re read that - sorry!

    2 tough years at work *

  • Hi I have some tips for sleep may sound a bit out there turn your alarm clock around so can’t see the time ,write down any worry’s in a book at night say to yourself I will deal with them in the morning mediation I found that difficult but can help some people did a sleep course many years ago was a group of men and women was helpful 
    I am very early after my hubby died so can’t really offer any advice but I think doing what’s best for your emotional well-being is the best so wish you good luck with your new job and great you are talking to counsellor 

  • Hi, it sounds as though you've made some positive choices and that's amazing I really hope they work out well for you. It's early days for me and I'm on here because I can't sleep either - not much help really. Have you shared your thoughts about not waking up with your counsellor? I must admit that sometimes I've woken up and thought oh no another day. Then I feel bad because I know my husband would have loved the option to wake up, be healthy and have possibilities ahead. I read a quote recently which said " This is getting harder sighed the boy."  "Then every step you take is a bigger victory." It helped me but I know not everyone likes them. I wish you the best of luck.

  • Hi thanks for your reply - I’m trying the note book idea hoping it will help put some structure to my thoughts and give myself ability to park them a bit 

  • thank you for the reply - I am talking to her about things re low mood. I think the quote is right about celebrating small steps - I’m determined I’m going to do something positive with rest of my life - job situation is sorted now which is a massive relief , really please I’ve been brave enough to leave it. Hoping a house move will come in next half year. All the best 

    I’m finding all things lavender really helpful with the sleeping