So it’s been a fair few months since I posted might even been before covid arrived. It’s racing towards the 3 year anniversary of my wife Helen’s death - I’d love to delay it with will power but the dates will surely arrive March 4th and April 24th being very significant ones. I think in many ways I still live in some sort of denial in a certain level - I still don’t quite get that my future is going to be based on decisions that only I can and will make. I’ve recently taken the decision that I’m selling the family house - which only I now live in - will hate to leave in so many ways but i fear if I don’t things will stagnate for me on I’ll never really get that I need to do things different now. I was 52 when Helen left.
I’ve also had 2 thought years at work - company was acquired and the place is so much less close knit and supportive - corporate world has arrived and it’s been toxic. So 2 weeks ago I finally decided that I was leaving the company. Again, something that I’m very nervous about but my mental health was suffering sat every day in that space. I have another opportunity lined up with a small family business - I’m hopeful it’s going to be a better fit (but to be honest I’m scared I’ve lost my ability to function in work as I used to)
I’ve been doing counselling since February - general not just grief related. I think? its been helpful - certainly helped my think through the work and house decisions.
I still feel very vulnerable and anxious such a lot of the time - it can be incredibly exhausting. I often don’t trust my own judgement. I worry that I have caused by own family a lot of burden by constantly needing reassurance - I feel very needy. my relationship with my two adult girls and mother in law has improved from where it was - after a toe in the water with dating completely backfired emotionally with them.
I still half fantasise about not waking up - which I do feel pretty bad about, but it would be wrong to say I don’t.
I’m that leaving the job will be the positive move that I need - and that a house move will also be the right step.
insomnia is also becoming an annoying pattern for me - so any top tips welcome there.
Love to all
Steve
