So it’s been a fair few months since I posted might even been before covid arrived. It’s racing towards the 3 year anniversary of my wife Helen’s death - I’d love to delay it with will power but the dates will surely arrive March 4th and April 24th being very significant ones. I think in many ways I still live in some sort of denial in a certain level - I still don’t quite get that my future is going to be based on decisions that only I can and will make. I’ve recently taken the decision that I’m selling the family house - which only I now live in - will hate to leave in so many ways but i fear if I don’t things will stagnate for me on I’ll never really get that I need to do things different now. I was 52 when Helen left.
I’ve also had 2 thought years at work - company was acquired and the place is so much less close knit and supportive - corporate world has arrived and it’s been toxic. So 2 weeks ago I finally decided that I was leaving the company. Again, something that I’m very nervous about but my mental health was suffering sat every day in that space. I have another opportunity lined up with a small family business - I’m hopeful it’s going to be a better fit (but to be honest I’m scared I’ve lost my ability to function in work as I used to)
I’ve been doing counselling since February - general not just grief related. I think? its been helpful - certainly helped my think through the work and house decisions.
I still feel very vulnerable and anxious such a lot of the time - it can be incredibly exhausting. I often don’t trust my own judgement. I worry that I have caused by own family a lot of burden by constantly needing reassurance - I feel very needy. my relationship with my two adult girls and mother in law has improved from where it was - after a toe in the water with dating completely backfired emotionally with them.
I still half fantasise about not waking up - which I do feel pretty bad about, but it would be wrong to say I don’t.
I’m that leaving the job will be the positive move that I need - and that a house move will also be the right step.
insomnia is also becoming an annoying pattern for me - so any top tips welcome there.
Love to all
Some random words in there when I re read that - sorry!
2 tough years at work *
Hi I have some tips for sleep may sound a bit out there turn your alarm clock around so can’t see the time ,write down any worry’s in a book at night say to yourself I will deal with them in the morning mediation I found that difficult but can help some people did a sleep course many years ago was a group of men and women was helpful
I am very early after my hubby died so can’t really offer any advice but I think doing what’s best for your emotional well-being is the best so wish you good luck with your new job and great you are talking to counsellor
Hi, it sounds as though you've made some positive choices and that's amazing I really hope they work out well for you. It's early days for me and I'm on here because I can't sleep either - not much help really. Have you shared your thoughts about not waking up with your counsellor? I must admit that sometimes I've woken up and thought oh no another day. Then I feel bad because I know my husband would have loved the option to wake up, be healthy and have possibilities ahead. I read a quote recently which said " This is getting harder sighed the boy." "Then every step you take is a bigger victory." It helped me but I know not everyone likes them. I wish you the best of luck.
thank you for the reply - I am talking to her about things re low mood. I think the quote is right about celebrating small steps - I’m determined I’m going to do something positive with rest of my life - job situation is sorted now which is a massive relief , really please I’ve been brave enough to leave it. Hoping a house move will come in next half year. All the best
I’m finding all things lavender really helpful with the sleeping