Husband passed away last Saturday with Melanoma

Hi 

It has been 10 weeks since I lost my husband it was lung cancers and nothing to do with moles but I too feel guilty of things I should have noticed or questioned 

After his biopsy he got an infection and was put on steroids to help clear it up within 2 days he started putting on weight at first i thought he looked healthier but by the end of the week he was looking really swollen i thought if the doctors didn't seem worried then I shouldn't but with not being able to go in to the hospital with him I couldn't ask them, it turned out the cancer had spread to his throat and was causing a build up of fluid all over his body and by the time they realized it was too late to operate and was crushing his wind pipe 

We will always think what if we had done somthing different would our loved ones still be with us i have had to convince myself that it was not my fault and if we had done somthing then we would of just prolonged his suffering 

I hope you come here when ever you need to as it definitely helped me when things got bad 

Hello both. It’s been almost 13 weeks for me. I lost my husband to thyroid cancer after less than three months. It had become aggressive and spread. Like both of you, I’ve tortured myself about the things that I missed- pains in his hip, in his back...but he’d always suffered with those sorts of pains because he did physical jobs being a farmer and the on a decorator. And through the summer he’d done several decorating jobs round the house, dug a pond in the garden, painted the summerhouse, cut the hedge and generally spent a lot of time in the garden digging- and he’d often be achy after doing those things. So was I wrong not to insist he went to the dr sooner? I’ll never know- but yes, I feel guilty, especially in the dark hours late at night, early in the morning when I’m struggling to sleep. 

I haven’t given you any answers, I know, but it may help to know that you’re not alone in thinking if only. One thing I can say is that sharing your experiences and thoughts with others on here can be very comforting.

Take care

x

Hi, so sorry to hear about your husband.  I lost my husband 3 weeks ago after only 2 weeks of being diagnosed with kidney cancer which had spread extensively.

So although I haven't had the same experiences as you regarding the type of cancer your husband had, I like  other people in this group understand how you are feeling. I think we all feel guilt in some way even though there was nothing we could have done to change the outcome.

I am feeling totally lost without my husband and cant imagine a life without him, but somehow I have managed 3 weeks and that is definitely due to the support from this group. 

Sending a hug, take care of yourself x

Hi yes guilt here too. My hubby was having trouble eating (though he had stomach cancer so that was normal). But his final two weeks he could barely even keep liquid down. As it turned out his cancer had spread into his bowel causing a severe blockage and interrupting blood flow. That’s what he died of in the end. Part of me thinks I should have noticed, but then I’m not a doctor and even the medical experts didn’t realise when he was in hospital. And all it would have done was prolong his agony even if they had been able to temporarily fix that problem. It was just his time, it was going to happen sooner or later and I’m glad he didn’t really suffer too much in the end, just fell asleep and never woke up, his body was just worn out.

So it doesn’t relate to your issue but just to say we all feel guilt to some degree I think. It’s just because we loved our partners and desperately wanted to save them x

Dear all

Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings. Feeling already supported knowing that I  am not alone.

Life is never going to be the same for any of us. We have to support each other during this very sad and life changing time. 

Sending you all a big virtual Hug. Look after yourselves. Maria x

I'm so sorry for your losses, I  feel the same so sad he had to go through this battle and that he won't experience the future with me. My husband was diagnosed with Myxofibrosarcoma December in 2017 after being misdiagnosed by the GP. It presented as a tightness in the back of his thigh and we just assumed he'd pulled a muscle. I asked him to see a physiotherapist and it was actually the physiotherapist that alerted medical staff. He underwent surgery followed by radiotherapy. We had about 18 months were he was well and he returned to work and we had a holiday to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary.  A year later came the news that it had spread to his lungs and had returned in his leg and they gave him chemotherapy, even though we were told there was a low chance of it being successful. Unfortunately it didn't work and although he was faced with many further complications we remained positive and enjoyed our time together. The last couple of months were hard but we was so grateful that he was at home with us. I often think why didn't I push harder to get his leg checked maybe if we had discovered it earlier the outcome would have been different. I try to focus on the precious time we had together. It's so much support to be able to talk to people going through this at the same time.

Hi Jojoe

I  am very sorry to hear about you lost your husband too as I  am sorry about everyone else in the forum who lost a love one to this horrid disease. 

Please try not to beat yourself up about it. We are only humans and unfortunately, we cannot change things now. It shows that even doctors can make mistakes. 

We are all here for you and to support each other during this life changing time. 

You are doing the right thing to focus in the precious times you had together. I  am doing that too. 

Look after yourself. A big virtual hug. x

MariadeMalaga17 thank you, sending you a virtual hug right back. x

I am going through my emails this morning and catching up with a lot of emails that I missed over the last month or so. And I came across this thread. I am so sorry for the guilt you are feeling. And I can tell you that, for the first six months after my husbands death, I experienced a lot of guilt. The guild was not related to what I should have seen but more to what I should have done or should not have done while my husband was so sick and dying. I think guild is a normal part of grieving because something in us always wishes that we could have done things different Lee and we are also somehow very eager to beat ourselves up and to find fault with ourselves. Overtime this will lessen and eventually stop as you learn to except that you did the best you could or maybe even that nothing you did or didn't do could have changed how things were and folding. Lots of love to all of you, Mel

Thank you for your message. Very much appreciated. Take care. Xx