My partner and soulmate passed away last October from terminal lung cancer in January 2020. The news was totally out the blue and we thought it was a heart problem. The doctors were mystified why Lynn had this and previous tests failed to pick this up at the time. I felt such a range of emotions, plunging into denial for at least three months. We could not have immunotherapy as Lynn had 5 major abdominal surgeries in her past since she was 19 years of age and despite trying , suffered side affects. I am bereft , lost and the grief is too much despite counselling and under the G.P as my mental state is not great at this moment.
I feel very lost with it all and really do not know how to cope. I am barely functioning at best despite support from a close friends. Lockdown has sadly made things worse.
I have read books on grief and bereavement but these things only see too help in very short bursts. Lynn battled on through. We maintained throughout the spring and summer when health allowed us and even enjoyed a full and active sexual relationship. This i expect is not probably asked if at all. I yearn for Lynn, her touch, her hand, her body to hold and to lay with on the sofa or in bed.
I have guilty thoughts of us in our physical sexual side. I think of our past intimate times and being gentle in bed, But i get very sexaully aroused now and i do not know what to do. Is it normal to think this way about us? I fantasise about our past lovemaking and i cannot bear looking or think of anyone else. I am questioning my ways and if its truly healthy i suppose to feel this way.
I still, of course think of our times whether being out or in her garden but these feelings are getting so strong and i want to 'relive' myself but i feel ashamed and the guilt sets in. We were very open about sex and we spoke about many things in life. Lynn was a poet, artist and writer. she had so much talent and inspired many in her life. She was also a Lay Reader in her past in the local church. I am so proud of her.
Her passing has shocked me to the core and i cry so much at times.
Everyone says it gets easier but i feel i am stuck in this horrid cycle of visons of her decline and our good moments. My mind is playing horrible tricks. I really do not know where to turn. I speak to my grief counselor but i am ashamed to even bring this up. But i do not know. My mind feels like a washing machine.
Lynn was my absolute. I adored her and i feel so empty and days i just want to be with her.
