Struggling so badly and dont know where to turn to

Dear Gordslady

what a truly traumatic experience you have had. I read your post and feel so sad for you.

Life is so unfair and there is nothing we can do about it, we can’t change what has happened.

You are still here 14 months on and that is an achievement in itself.

You are lucky to have met your soulmate, many people never have that and you have lovely memories and photos of that.

My husband passed away 8 months ago at home with just me and I can’t get that out of my mind either. 
I too, long for my husband and the life we should have had but I’m so grateful for what we had. I think the greater the love, the deeper the grief.

You are stronger than you think, just keep going, we’re all with you xx

Hi Gordslady,

Firstly you have nothing to be sorry for. This site is absolutely for us to reach out for help, and to give support to others when we can, so you've made a good choice by posting.

It sounds as though you went through quite a traumatic time, and those sort of memories don't heal quickly, but I'm sure they do one day, I just don't know when.

My husband died just over 3 years ago, and although his death wasn't the same as your husband's, I did go over and over his last day for a long time. (He died at home.) Did he know he was going to die that day? We hadn't expected it. How did he feel? Should I have done something differently? On an on....

It has been a rollercoaster ride, and I have sometimes thought that I'm fed up with this constant battle of getting used to being on my own. BUT, I have to say that those days have got less and less, I occasionally have them, but not so often now. If I start thinking about the last day, I'm more easily able to stop the thoughts and think about something else. 

As to the question why it happened, I don't have an answer, I'm afraid. In my husband's case, and he was a lot older than yours, I know why. He used to be a heavy smoker, and he got a type of lung cancer that was definitely caused by smoking. Sadly, he had given up 30 years earlier, so I never thought it was going to have caused a problem. Knowing why doesn't really help much.

You've had a very hard 14 months, and much of that has been in extremely difficult circumstances in the world. It will get better. I imagine the pandemic has made it a lot more difficult to begin to recover a little.

You said you didn't know how to ask for help, but you have, on here. Perhaps you find it difficult to tell people you're not coping so well? Give it a try, I think a lot of people probably stop asking, but would be happy to listen if they thought you needed it. Maybe just drop it into a conversation on the phone if you have friends to chat to? It might be easier to mention it at the moment when we've all got things to deal with? Or maybe you feel you need more professional help? I'm sure your gp would be happy to refer you to whatever is available in your area.

I've probably gone on long enough now, but I wanted to give you some hope that you won't always feel like you do now. Bit by bit life will start getting a bit easier, you will begin to find things to look forward to even though right at this time it's hard to imagine. I am much better now than I was a couple if years ago. I'm still learning, but am adapting to this new life that I didn't really want.

Sending you a big hug - hang on in there x

Hi Gordslady.

Im so sorry to hear how awful your husbands lasts days were,  cancer destroys lives in the most awful way.and its so hard for us the ones left behind.  I can empathise with you so much. I lost my lovely husband of 47 year last August,  it completely broke me i to so many little pieces.  I wasn't coping at all and had to get professional help resulting in my taking antidepressants,  i also have counselling with our local priest,  all i can do is take a day at a time, it hasn't got any easier,  i miss him so much. I hope you find some peace,  i dont know if tablets help as i still feel awful but for now I'll stick with it.

Take care  xx

Hi Notherlass. 

I have just read your reply to Gordslady, it has also given me hope  that things hopefully will improve with time, thank you for sharing your thoughts.  Im in such a bad place at the moment,  i can only take a day at a time , but your experience has helped. Take care xx

Hi Bluebell53,

One day at a time is a very good way to go, but I am sorry you're in a bad place right now.

Something that a widowed ( twice) friend told me was that grief isn't linear, I.e. we don't keep going in an ascending line, slowly getting better. I found that very helpful as I used to find I was doing OK for a while and then seemed to slip backwards. I used to wonder why. Realising I would have a bad day or days sometimes , and that didn't mean going back to square one was such a relief.

Sending a big hug to you too x

Hi  Notherlass,  

Thank you so much, yes i know what you mean , although everyday is bad at the moment,  some days are more horrendous than others.  Xxx

Hi there,

I am so very sorry for your loss.

And even though this is a group no-one wants to join, I feel it is good that you have because you will find support here like nowhere Else, at least this has been my experience since I joined this group 2 1/2 years ago.

The last hours of your partners live sound really very difficult and I am not surprised that you keep thinking about it all again and again. I remember it was the same with my husbands death. Four months I kept thinking about the final hours and what happened and how it happened and what was said and not said that should've been said and maybe could've been done... But eventually my mind gave up or maybe, it was that I had processed the trauma well enough for my mind to let it go, I don't know. Of course I still occasionally think of the final hours but I can now come back from those thoughts and concentrate on the beautiful memories.
I, too, feel that my husband was taken from me way too early in life but I am glad that we had the time we did have and very grateful for that.

I can completely understand your feelings about life being unfair and not knowing how are you will be able to live with out him. I did feel the same during The first couple of months. But it got easier with time. And I am sure this is going to be the same for you.
please keep posting here. I really do think it helps us all.

Best wishes, Mel