His final hours

i wasnt there when my husband passed away either, he did it while i was on way, which is just how he wanted it. i think they know in a way thats it coming and dont want to distress us (he had sent me home for a sleep). 

Hi bramblejoo 

We over think things when we think about the last days well I did anyway

The last day neil was at home we got upset with each other because it was the first time I had to wash him before his hospital appointment i remember going up stairs and crying saying I couldn't handle it because I didnt know what I was doing when I came back down stairs Neil kept on saying sorry it was the last time he was home he went straight forme one hospital to another and passed away 2 days later I do think he gave up in the end because he didn't want to be a burden on me the guilt of that day still play's on my mind i was lucky the hospital did let me go a nd see him the last 2 days as they knew he didn't have much time left so i could say good bye 

I was glad he passed away in hospital it was harde to see his empty bed in the front room would of made it even worse and I think in a way neil knew that 

Your husband will of known that you loved him at the end 

Thank you both, that means a lot to hear that. Yes I think you’re right that they know. I really feel that he hung on all the while it was just us two at home, long enough for me also to get him washed and dressed ready for hospital, then when he was in there and comfortable told me he loved me and just didn’t wake up from his sleep after I left him there resting.

You are right that we overthink things at the start of our grief. I know I did all I could and I know how much he appreciated that. He did say the day I was getting him ready to go to hospital ‘what would I do without you’, so that comforts me.

I can totally relate to your post Bramblejoo.  My husband was adamant he wanted to go to the hospice as he didn't want me to have that lasting memory of 'that is where he passed'

A week before he was admitted he was put on permanent oxygen at home which meant we had a constant humming from the machine day and night. The day he left the house to go to the hospice the very last thing I did was to transfer him to a portable tank for the journey.  Suddenly an ominous "Silence"  I tried hard not to let him see my tears but I felt like I had switched a life support machine off and it hit me at that moment that he wasn't coming home!  How must he have felt knowing he would never see his home again?  

I visited every day but only for a 2 hour slot due to covid restrictions (why restrict but that's another issue!) the last afternoon I saw Mark he actually lay down in the bed which was something he hadn't done for months due to the amount of blood he was coughing up.  He fell asleep holding my hand so gently that I actually took a photo of just our hands laying on a soft sheepskin blanket.  Later I sent him a text to say how lovely it was to hold his hand like that again...sadly he never read my message.

At 01:40 hrs I was woken by a phone call to say he had passed and I immediately went to the hospice.  The nurse explained Mark had become agitated (most likely scared) and she gave him a tablet to calm him.  She admitted he must have been in far more pain than she realised and with hindsight we think it was a blood clot in the heart that finally took him...  Did he know he was going at that moment? I wish the nurse hadn't mentioned his pain to me.  He was alone....I should have been with him, I wanted to be with him and like you, I feel I failed him at the last hurdle when I had been there for him every step of the way up until that point.

How I wish I had been there.  I have beaten myself up many times over for not staying with him.  If I had known that was to be 'the day' I would never have left regardless of any covid rules. 

Tomorrow is his birthday, the next day our wedding anniversary....  

Oh Pooka I’m so sorry. I can feel your pain coming off the screen almost! I feel the same sometimes but more often try to remind myself that my husband wanted it that way. He only went in for a procedure and was due to one out the next day but I think we both knew what might happen. He also held my hand while I was there and also sadly never ready my last text message to him (nor his daughter’s). 
The nurses did say Clives passing was very sudden in the end, and he was peaceful and asleep. He never really had much pain in his last couple of months and weeks, just an overwhelming tiredness. Sometimes I wonder if he did suffer and the nurses were being kind but as they said it was peaceful I am choosing to believe them.

We must just try and remind ourselves of everything we did for our loved ones in the months, years leading up to that point and sometimes certain things are just out of control. Our loved ones will know that and know that we did our best for them. In one way I am comforted by the fact that I spent almost 24/7 with my husband in his final year of life and we told each other that we loved one another every day. Something that maybe would not have happened if he had passed under different circumstances.

We must be kind to ourselves, we have a long sad road ahead and it could be even more unhappy if we beat ourselves up over something that we could not control due to this awful pandemic.

x

Hi I took my husband home after we were told he had 6 weeks. I work in a busy medical hospital ward but nothing will ever compare to what we went through.Life just goes on and people who tell you - they know how you feel- don’t. It’s over 2 years now and I have moved on especially for my daughters but I know honestly I will never be the same.Cancer- what a word that should never have invented-but to everyone out there that has been touched by it I just want to say - I know how you feel- I’m sorry- and f—-ck it our loved ones would be the first people to say that,!! Merry Christmas and Happy COVID New Year!!,,,,