After the funeral

Hi Scem11,

I understand exactly how you feel and have the same thoughts myself. My wonderful hubby (52) passed away just 5 days ago from stomach cancer. We have a little way to go yet but funeral planned for 8 Jan. I have the same worries, it’s as though once the funeral passes oriole have been able to say goodbye and move on. We have the rest of our lives to try and muddle through without our loved ones and the struggle and emptiness will continue for years I’m sure.

I do believe there will be some people however who will understand and your true friends and family will realise the long road ahead and be there for you for as long as you need, not just until Friday.

I have two amazing step children (grown up now) and we have already said that we will continue to do things that their dad would have loved and make sure we honour his memory so I know normal life just resume after the funeral. Just a different type of life, and a little sadder without the ones we love.

I do hope the funeral can go as well as expected on Friday. These are awful times and of course made worse by the COVID restrictions affecting Horner might want to say goodbye (though personally my hubby would have been happy with a smaller gathering and I wake, he never liked all that)!

x

Hi scem11

It will be 6 weeks since my husband passed away from lung cancer and yes people do go back to there own lives I still have my mum call me every day for a chat but I think that helps her more than me as she lives on her own .

I find my self telling people what they want to hear now when someone asks how i am copping i just reply with getting there  rather than telling them that I still cry twice a day when I get up and when i go to bed i am no good with sympathy off people and would rather grieve in my own way on my own 

I don't even talk to my mum about how i am doing as I found out she would tell what i said to anyone she spoke to that asked about me 

You will find a way of copping wether that is having one or two people that you are close to or posting on here were no one will judge

Kate xx

You kind of run out of things to say don’t you, when people keep asking how you are? I say ‘muddling through’ when actually what I want to say is I wish I was with my husband and I can’t imagine going on with my life without him. I feel guilty even doing things like washing or walking the dog as it feels too normal and my hubby doesn’t get to do anything like that anymore.

I know what you mean with responses when people ask you how you are. I give them same response “I’m doing ok” otherwise I’d just breakdown. I find that I’m questioning myself at the moment on whether I’m mourning the right way! I have my own business so I’ve not been in a position to take any time off and I’ve just carried on. Keeping busy does help me but I do wonder whether it will just hit me one day and I’ll just fall in a heap??? Then I have to tell myself that I just have to take each day at a time and that there’s no right or wrong way to mourn. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. X 

Oh Scem11 I totally agree with you on that! I feel like I’m coping too well sometimes. It’s only 6 days since my lovely hubby passed and I feel almost guilty that I’m still managing to keep the house clean, walk the dog, and spend so much time with his daughter, even smiling now and again. It doesn’t feel right. How can that be fair that I get to carry on when he can’t?? Why am I not crying 24/7?? Don’t get me wrong I’ve cried every day but not all day. It’s exhausting.

But then I try to think how I’d feel if it was the other way around, it would break my heart to see him in a total mess and I’d want him to try and be strong and cope, and I know he’d want me to be the same. He’d also be so happy that his daughter and I are clinging to one another to get through this. So I carry on.

Everything you’re saying is how I feel I want him to be with me so much but I’m so sad he won’t get to see our 1 year old twin grandsons grow up he lived them so much. It’s only been 5 days but I’m on my own in the house morning and night and it hurts not to see him in his room where he spent most of the last 2 years till he went into hospital. I know I have to go on but at the moment I wonder how.

Hi Dollytot,

I replied to you in another thread but had to reply to this also. Like you I have a young grandson, just 6 months old, and my hubby adored him, it feels so cruel that he has had a future with him snatched away. His first grandchild.

I am also at home alone. My two stepchildren are grown up and although I go to my stepdaughters every day I still come home each night as I feel close to my husband here, all his stuff is here and his pictures are everywhere. How do we suddenly go from being together as a wonderful happy couple to living totally alone? All I can say is just try not to think too far ahead. That is what I am trying to do, otherwise I just get overwhelmed.

x

It sometimes surprises me how much we all share in common in our grief and mourning... it seems we each have our standard response to the "How are you coping?" question. My usual reply seems to be "Yes, getting there" I have no idea why I say it  or what I even mean, but I guess it's easier than saying how you really feel.

I too have wondered if I'm coping too well... I actually cried more when I brought his ashes home than I did at the funeral. Probably because I was on my own and could let out my grief. Covid and winter has postponed any plans as far as the ashes are concerned but I actually quite like having them in the home.

My family all live at least 2.5 hrs away so my days and nights are spent alone. I haven't been out the house for the last 12 weeks  since the funeral and  to collect the ashes.

It's hard going and hopefully after Christmas I can get a buyer for my house so I can move closer to family. But it's going to be yet a further wrench away from my beloved husband  leaving the home we shared.  

I sometimes feel like finding a mountain so I can climb to the top and scream in frustration and anger that he was taken away from me so quickly.

Yet another sleepless night...

If you think of a suitable mountain let me know and I’ll join you x

And me!! 

I am thinking of you Pooka. I just had to do two weeks of self isolation and it was so hard. I hope you get to be by your family soon xx