Hi everyone,
I thought I would take some time this morning to write a message to all of you because I am aware that I haven't done this in a long time and have only been able to reply to messages here and there.
I would like to apologise for the mistakes in most of my messages. I am writing most of my messages on my Iphone and, since typing would take me too long, I dictate my messages to the phone but, unfortunately, the language or speech recognition doesn't always work well hence the mistakes. I hope you know what I mean though and that you can make sense of my messages. As I am writing this message I am at my mum's computer and that is a lot easier.
It's almost 4 months since I came to stay with my parents. Even when I made the decision to come here, I knew that it would be good for the time being but would cause me difficulties in the longrun when I would have to go back and face being all on my own once more.
The first two months were great. We hardly went out and, if we did, then only to the shops to get necessary items or for walks through the beautiful spring weather. We enjoyed good food and way too much drink. I felt light and good and everything was okay. It was during that time that I wrote my book "When to love means to let go" and published it. I was also fortunate to be able to do a lot of my transcription work for Tara Brach from here. I recorded mindfulness meditation classes for my students and familiarised myself with Instagram in order to post videos there as well. In May were Paul's second anniversary and, one week later, my birthday, and both days were quite nice actually with the family.
June was a little different as I had not much work to do - the book was published and Tara didn't send me a lot of work. I started exercising more with courses from Daily OM and an app called Everyday Yoga and continued to go for long walks and sit in the garden when the weather was nice. I also read a few books on bereavement and the grieving process.
From the beginning of July, things have been a little more difficult. And today they are really difficult and my heart is heavy. My plan has always been that I would go back to Ireland in August. My mum, who will be retired from next week onward, said she would travel to Ireland with me and make sure I settle in okay again - which is so kind of her.
And, on one hand, I want to go home, to my house, to Ireland which has become so much my home over the past 10 years, to my friends, to work; but, on the other hand, I am afraid of going back. I think I have told you before that I don’t like to be on my own; and this hasn’t changed at all. Getting up on my own in the morning with only my own company to look forward to, to have meals at the dinner table on my own, to tidy up and clean on my own, to go shopping on my own… I can’t imagine to do all of these things on my own again.
And then – and I don’t know whether this is triggered by my fear or not - I have been thinking of and missing Paul a lot recently. I have to think back to the beginning of our relationship: love, longing, passion, romance. I have to think back to the feelings of joy and happiness that Ifelt back then. And I miss those days and that feeling so so much.
I sometimes think I have to feel like that again in order to feel anything at all properly. I mean, I do feel but sometimes I think that everything is a bit dull and a little darker than it used to be; not quite the same fun and joy and playfulness and adventure in my life now.
This morning when I woke up I had a horrible moment when I thought: What point is there in my life? I have to live on my own when I go home, I don't have enough work, I don't have the job I want at the hospital, I only have a few friends... The thought of the future scared me very much.
I guess this feeling that everything is uncertain is also something I don't deal well with. I like things to be foreseeable, predictable, like to have control over a lot of things. But nowadays I feel like I have to surrender to the present moment and I can't think about the future.
Yet, another part of me is saying: Go back now! The virus is everywhere! Just be careful but try and go home and establish your "ne normal". But today I don't feel even the motivation for that. I just can't think straight today.
Love and light to everyone
Mel.
