When to tell absent grown kids about a terminal diagnosis?

I'm so sorry your wife has received this diagnosis, she has been incredibly brave and now has shared her news with you, you will be able to support each other.

The question of telling your children is a heartbreaking one, but in my opinion I would do it as soon as possible. Perhaps message them, say you want to speak to them about something important at a specific time and ask them to have a friend/partner there for support. As you mentioned they are adults I would tell them everything and as a family you can discuss the future. 

Your wife's medical team will be able to advise if your son should go on his year's trip. I'm not sure he would enjoy it as much if he is worrying about his mum.

My husband was 47 when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he wanted our 3 children fully involved. At the time they were 21, 18 and 12. Our 21 year old daughter asked for a career break from her work and moved back home to be here full time. He passed away 3 short months later and the tears, love and support we were able to share has been priceless and has kept us going since he passed away just over 2, years ago now. 

Telling our children was one of the most heartbreaking things I had every witnessed. My lovely husband was so strong, the children asked sensible questions and he was honest with them. 

I am sending you strength for the future

Honesty is the best policy for sure. Ruby Diamond has definitely given a brilliant reply and as a lot of us know things change from day to night to day again. 

sending love and strength you way Husband1959

Thankyou Ruby for you kind and helpful reply.

Hi Husband1959

I’m  so sorry this is happening to you & your wife, it’s truly heartbreaking. Like Ruby Diamond we had to tell our children their dad was very ill although I didn’t give them all the information in one go- they were 11, 16 & 18 & I didn’t want to take away their here & now when their dad was still here- we opted for the drip, drip approach & told them small amounts of information a bit at a time, never mentioning a cure, as it was incurable at diagnosis. 
However, your kids are adults & that makes a real difference. I’m not sure it’s useful to tell them that their mum has chosen to keep quiet about her illness for so long- emotions will be running very high & they may not understand. When you love  someone very much it’s hard sometimes to respect their choices, you naturally want the very best for them. But these choices are one of the few things she has had some control over. Your wife may feel she would rather have been treated normally longer just as mum, than having lots of interventions & people fussing & treating her differently (which is so hard not to do!) I think you have to be honest with the facts but not fill them in on so much on the  back story. It’s probably better to do this sooner rather than wait for the week visit in August. 

And if you can, spend the days doing ‘normal’ things when they are here if your wife’s health is permitting - even going for a drive in the country or visiting a garden centre will just take her out of herself & give her confidence. It won’t change anything I know, but it will give you all some focus, there is nothing worse than people sitting around looking at someone they love who is so very ill. 
my mantra when I started to get  panicky about the future (which your children may do) was ‘but he is still here now’. That helped me focus on just being in the moment. 
I wish you both love & courage 

Sarah xx

Thanks Sarah. Your reply is greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your reply Bootsy. So happy to hear the different opinions.

Hi

I have always told my children the truth, no matter what it is. At 16 and 21 they have lost both their dad and stepdad. Both are very mature and have coped fantastically and I think this is because of our honesty.

If you hide information, they will be angry and resent you. They are old enough to decide how to deal with it and make the appropriate choices, whether to continue the trip or stay. You can never get back time and he may want that time with his mum. 

My husband's children did not have the best relationship with him but they came to see him and we were honest with them. They got some of that time with their dad before he died and it was far quicker than we had been told. They are very grateful for that. 

I am sorry you are all going through this, it won't be easy. Take care

Alison xxx

Thanks Akela.

"If you hide information, they will be angry and resent you. They are old enough to decide how to deal with it and make the appropriate choices"

I know about that! Certainly wouldn't want the kids to feel that also. That really is a wake up call. Thanks

I would suggest you have a sit down meal and tell them everything! 

I think to allow adult or even young children to care for a parent and offer comfort and love is a gift that we all must learn to accept. Most of us sacrifice for our kids but very rarely allow them to give that back to us.

Its a great shame for your wife and you, but to exclude your children is not the right path to take in my opinion.

So please tell them, give them the chance to give back to you both and this I feel will enable all of you to come together and bring light into the dark days ahead!