Future possibilities

That's right. Cancer allows you to have all sorts of false hopes. Even when Gilles was wasting away before my eyes, I hoped for more time, and so did he, until coming up to the end. He obviously knew he was dying. I wish I hadn't wasted so much bloody time praying to a God I did believe in and had spent more time talking and trying to find out exactly what he was feeling. Granted, there were times when I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he would just say no. A year and a half later I still feel as though I failed him there. I don't beat myself about as much now but just writing this has me sobbing my head off. So, I know how you feel, Mick.

There is no bucket list anymore. I'm doing things as they present themselves. That's not true; I did travel to some places we were meaning to go to but his energy wasn't there and it wasn't like before. I don't know if, with time, we draw up a new bucket list of our own but for now it's a blank sheet for me. I have to work so whatever plans there are are all related to my job.

Mark didn't really have a bucket list, we had lots of plans, we were planning to buy a small place in Spain/Portugal to start spending time away now our kids were grown up, a cruise for his 60th, a trip to New York as he'd always wanted to go and we always put it off for a family holiday.

We didn't know Mark was going to die until the week before and by then he was confused (brain mets) so we never got to discuss anything, which was hard. He didn't realise he was going to die, we told him but I think he forgot, always talking about 'when I get home', and in a way I'm glad as it meant he wasn't worrying about it or scared.

In one rare moment of lucidity he told me to sell the house when he'd gone and go and live wherever I wanted......think he forgot I have 2 teenagers living in it!

He also told me he would be watching over when I found another man to make sure he was good enough, but I have no interest in finding anyone else......just a lonely life ahead of me!

The only long term plan I have is me and the kids have decided to go to New York for Mark's 60th (cruises are for old people I'm informed!).

Other than that I just go day by day, some good, some crap. Hoping I do find some kind of happiness or at least contentment again.

This really isn't the life I wanted!

Take care everyone, much cooler today.

Ali x

Ali,

Ric once said to me to find someone else. Bless him he said I was far to beautiful to be alone but like you I feel alone is safer. I have lost two husband's and I can't do the grief again!!! I miss Ric and his company and I am lonely, friends and family are not the same. 

Ric's bucket list was not much, a couple of places he wanted to go, a steam train ride that I have tickets for, his regimental reunion and Hannah's prom and Paul's 21st.

Paul has just celebrated his 21st (3 days of garden party, Ric's style) so we may have done that one with Ric still in the summer house so sort of there! 

The reunion and prom cancelled for now! I think had a seen this pandemic he would have had nothing!! So going so quickly was a godsend maybe. 

Life is certainly strange at times!!!!

I rebooked our holiday to Italy for next July. I guess the firsts will ball be done and it will be close to Hannah's 18th do maybe better all round! Except I need a holiday!!! Enjoy your trip to New York when it comes, sounds fantastic! 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

This thread has certainly caused food for thought, a good thing in many ways.
I don’t know how I feel about meeting a future partner, at the moment it’s not something I can see happening, I don’t think I could cope with being hurt again, losing my husband has made me feel so vulnerable. 
My immediate future plan was to take up some hobbies for myself again (not happened thanks to lockdown- I was about to join the leisure centre for their dance classes & swimming) & to sort out what happens with work in the longer term. 
I work part time in the NHS & have taken on more hours since my husband died, during the pandemic I’ve had covid-19 & then been redeployed. Now back in our department, there is a lady who is due to retire & I have been dealing with some of her caseload, a different role for me, & now She wants to leave they are lining me up as her replacement which will mean a lot more study in my own time & going to full time hours. It’s being assumed I will do it, I was thinking I would need to do an extra day in the near future anyway but feel pushed to go full time - I think having been through such a lot & having lost 4 other friends to cancer since my hubby died I also feel it’s important to make the most of each day now, not to mention I’ve got 3 teenagers at home that are very up & down at times. I’m reluctant to commit to full time - their answer, well what will you do when the kids leave home?!!! 
I’ve already given back 2 weeks holiday recently & cancelled it at the request of someone who I’ve since heard hasn’t cancelled theirs!! I don’t want to be taken over, but it’s so 
hard to plan for a future I never imagined & I’m afraid to really commit to anything any more. 
sorry if this seems insensitive, I am well aware that lots of people are furloughed right now & are unemployed, I just needed to get it off my chest, I feel like I’m being  unreasonable in not going along with what others think my future looks like, when it them that really benefits. Do you know what I mean? 
Still taking it one day at a time.....

Sarah xx

I know exactly where you are coming from, sadly some people will take advantage of you regardless of what you have been through. You will need to learn to say no but that will take you time by the sound of it. Just be careful not to wear yourself out  like the rest of us you have been on an emotional rollercoaster journey and its exhausting.

The NHS is a wonderful thing that we are all privileged to have,  however its not like working for a private company and i suppose your needs could be overlooked if you are not the one shouting loudest. From the sound of it you are a very valued employee so can you find someone to talk to and express your concerns to, before you commit to something you don't know if you want 

Lizzy 

Hi Sarah,

I have found that colleagues think I should work more hours!!! After all I have nothing else to do now!!! Actually I want to take some time for myself. I don't really financially need to work more at present and I don't want to. I understand what you are saying. I work at the Nuffield but I guess it is the same sort of institution. 

I understand you don't want any more heart ache. I am the same. Nothing wrong in a simple life. Your post rings so true! I have done a few extra hours this week. I had been redeployed to ward work and it has niggles my joints and I hurt and ache! I have not done my ironing this week as I usually do so I am trying to catch up today, it is taking me hours because there is so much of it and I gave to keep stopping because I hurt and then one of my almost adult children want something! To be honest at the moment I want to cry. I want a hug from Ric but can't!!! Or a chat like I used to when ironing!!! 

So I am.having a cuppa before ploughing on and as usual no one will see my tears or feel my sadness and pain! Thankfully I have a holiday from work soon! I really want a day or two off but pretty unlikely as there are things I need dad to do for me so I will have to use this time off! 

It feels a battle today!!!

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Hi Ali 

we did two cruises Norway and the med they are Not for old people  we really enjoyed them. And the only drawback is they feed five times a day as much as you can eat 

the good days and bad days seem to to be ever other week. And Diane told me to find some one else start again. But I just get through the week best I can then the next week starts again 

take care 

martin x