Four years widowed

Hey Rolf,

I do remember you. It still sounds like we are in a similiar place with regards to the state of our homes!

My garden is beautiful. Both my husband and I used to do the gardening together. Last year I did a good job but could not sit down and reap the benefits. This year I have had a few friends and neighbours around for a coffee and enjoyed the space. In fact, I am happy to be in the garden on my own now.  Had a few cries in the garden too! I think about my husband,  Richard a lot lately and miss him.

From the sounds of it, Audrey had made your garden beautiful. I find being near to nature uplifting and am glad to hear that you are keeping up with the garden. It is good for the soul!

You are lucky that you are near the sea and trust that you make the most of it. I never really want to go for a walk but once I do, I feel better for it. To go for a walk near the sea must be breathtaking at times. I don't live far from Denham, which you mention in your profile - I love the great walks in and around the country parks/farms round here.

With regards to the renovations, I hope I can start soon. A bit like my attitude to walking - I think it will make me feel better once it is done. At the same time I feel it can wait as I lived like this for over a year! It is tough,, isn't it?

The loss will always be there and I hear you! But I also believe in finding a different kind of happiness. For me, that means appreciating what I do have right now and enjoying the simple things in life. Almost like some of the life lessons Covid is teaching us all....albeit it has heightened all sorts of feelings within us. 

With lots of love, 

Dutsie x

Hi all,

It's two years and two months for me and it has certainly become allowed easier for me over time to except my new normal, to find a new kind of happiness, and yet sometimes I can be thrown back into grief and pain like the other day when I just couldn't believe yet again that he is gone forever.

Love and hugsMel.

Hi all,

I've just read your posts where you speak about your homes and gardens and it seems that you can actually measure how far you've come along since your spouses died. There's something so safe in having that.

I'm back in France, renting an Air Bnb in the town where Gilles and I lived for over 20 years. I've seen his mother and cousin who helped us tremendously when Gilles was ill and one of his brothers will be driving over this weekend to see me, which is really nice of him. I've spent some time with friends and it has all been very enjoyable and comforting, but (you know there must be a but), of course, Gilles is not here. I broke down a few minutes ago. I had lunch with his mother today and left feeling empty. In a way, I was hoping to find a piece of him through her and through the town but it doesn't work like that, does it? I'm missing him a lot and the experience confirms what I'd been thinking over the past 18 months: I can't live here without him.

Next week Wed. I'll be going to the storage to sort some of the things we left 4 years ago. I told my mother-in-law that I'd give her back a portrait of her mother that Gilles had . I think he loved his grandmother more than he did his own parents so that portrait meant a lot to him. His mother was glad when I made the offer and added that it probably didn't mean much to me, anyway. But she's so wrong. It was part of our lives and what counted for him counted for me.

This stop-over in France marks a transition period for me. When I leave here, I'll be closing a chapter in my life.  I realised one thing, though (I guess this is my positive note). I went to the cemetery on Monday, the first time in 18 months. I stayed 2 hours and could have stayed the whole day. I was glad to be there but I felt that he was not really there but that I really do carry him with me wherever I am. When he was in a coma and not too far from the end, I told him it was time for him to go and I promised I would always carry him in me and I know now that is really the case. Hope this doesn't sound too corny.

Take care of yourselves.

Hi Limbo

No I feel that way with Ric. I like my photos of him and have a shelf full of his things but when I scatter him, he will be free. I don't really feel that is him. He is my memories and experiences and everything we did together and spoke about. Ric is that part of my heart that stays with me. You saying that about Giles made sense of that. Thank you.

I hope you find somewhere that will feel right for you 

Love and hugs Alison xxx