How to live with this?

I think after reading your post a couple of times you have answered your own question. We can't turn the clock back, God knows we all wish we could. Lockdown has given most people too much time to think and reminice(?) We all say if only or why didn't I see that or get seen to sooner- we can't change what has passed but maybe we can try and lock it away as not our best chapter in our book of life. 

We must learn not to beat ourselves up, it only brings us down and that's not good for us. 

Stay safe xx

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but you advised him and he didn't take your advice! I am currently in the "what if's" department in the great supermarket of grief!

I have recriminated with myself about making Carla get fit after her initial op, (she refused)  Or why didn't I spot the balance problems she had, which were exactly like the vertigo she had suffered 4 years previously. However, she had a full scan in January, another scan in February due to thrombosis caused by her inactivity (she refused to go out in the very cold winters we get here) She was back in, in March on my advice as she was unwell and again in April (again on my advice) she did not come back out of hospital.

Could I have done more? Maybe, should I have done more? maybe. Will I continue to blame myself in some way for not spotting xyz..yes definitely. Us bereavers can go in large or small circles with self recrimination and I fully intend to, over the next few years..

Only to find out one day it does no good..

I'm 6 weeks in and I know we are all different but I think these things come along to blindside us when we least expect..

Hang on in there,none of it was your fault or responsibility, I am sure you were as good as anyone could be in those circumstances..

The very fact you are having these feelings prove to me that you loved him very much sometimes no matter how much you love soneone you cant save them and you have to make your peace with that .We are human and  have all done our best we went to treatments appointments and everything else that we could do we did .We will always feel we didnt do enough but the fact we loved them and they loved us is a comfort for our darkest moments  .Also cancer is a tricky devil some people do better than expected others just dont no one knows if this happened sooner then the outcome would be different  Its hell really I feel like Ive been in a war with Bill just utterly exhausted  You take care lots of hugs .

Hi Dramaticat 

I think you are totally right when you say too much time for reflection isn’t good for us right now. Being busy gives us a distraction & we can kid ourselves we are doing ok & sometimes we really are ok, but right now it’s harder than ever & we are all feeling more vulnerable. 

My husband was easily fobbed off by our Gp, we went 3 times before they did a scan. Previously though he had on 2 occasions had MRIs which came back clear & ive always tortured myself with the idea that the cancer was growing Just out of the shot taken, unnoticed.
If I had made him go back sooner, would it have changed the outcome? Like you, I will never know. But, I also feel that the outcome may well have been the same & we could’ve had more time knowing about the cancer & less time living a ‘normal’ life. If that really was the case, I’m glad he didn’t know until he did find out- Cancer took enough of his life as it was. 

Please don’t torture yourself like this. You didn’t fail him. You would’ve kept him going & given him the courage to face what was coming. Now that is real love.
big hugs

Sarah  xx

Sarah, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel your husband didn't get the medical attention he needed. This thing is difficult enough without feeling that not enough effort was made by everyone.

My mum had cancer of the oesophagus. That didn't get diagnosed for a long time – not unreasonably her doctor was looking at various digestive disorders first, and I think the symptoms became confused with other issues like her needing a new hip. I don't blame the doctor – it was just an unfortunate set of circumstances. I nursed Mum for the last three weeks of her life and I was beating myself up a bit after that because I didn't feel I'd done my best. Although I did all the practical things, I didn't know how to talk to her or what to say. A while later I realised that I shouldn't feel like that because at the time I didn't have the emotional and other resources to work out what to say – or at least what I think I should have said. So at the time I did do my best for her within the limitations of my abilities. It doesn't stop me being sad that I couldn't have done more, but I don't blame myself, if you can understand that distinction.

With Ian it is different. I COULD have done more, and that is what haunts me now. I know getting him to go to the doctor earlier might not have made any difference to the eventual outcome, but it was in my power to keep badgering him to go. I know in this case I didn't do my best for him and don't know how to deal with that.

Hugs and strength to everyone who's taken the time to reply to my post – I wish you well in your own journeys.

I am very sorry for your loss and for the pain it is causing you right now when you feel that you could've done something more or something different to save him. I know that feeling too.
you say that perhaps you didn't nagging him enough to go to the doctor. But without knowing your relationship, I would still suggest that, if you had done that constant nagging, he would have been annoyed with you for doing that and it would have caused additional friction in the already difficult situation. So from that point of you it is good that you didn't do it I think.

but of course it is also so very true what you write in your own post which is that you can't change the way things happened and I am sure you were a wonderful help and loving partner during those very difficult times, and remember that they were difficult for both of you and you were under a lot of emotional stress. so try not to beat yourself up. We are all doing our best in and very very difficult situation. And I think he would be proud of you for what you have done for him all along.

Love and hugs Mel