I have not been on for a while, 14 weeks since my partners death and I am trying to make a bit of space around me.
It feels rather ungrateful and I know I am immensely fortunate to have a good circle of friends but I am feeling suffocated and having trouble getting people to understand or hear that I am fed up of the daily phone calls. I dread the 'just ringing up to see how you are, it must be so tough in these times....."
The questions questions questions - how are you, how are you feeling.......Ahhhggggg.....
"Yes the ashes came eventually being delivered by someone in a mask and gloves like a Deliveroo parcel" "Yes I am sorting out clothes, yes I am arranging memorial events for next year, but stop asking......I dont want to talk about it over and over and over. .......
I am sick and tired of going through the same thing again and again. It was like that when my partner was ill.....just ringing to see how things are. and how he is ......repeat 9 times a day, even when I say it is hard answering questions all the time, or you dont know certainties and answers.
I have been telling people that I was needing to put a ring round me and as if I was going away, to make some space and that not to worry if they did not hear from me...... Mixed responses. One with more interrogation......., others who just cant hear or leave off. Ahhh, just leave me alone for a bit, or dont ask and wait to see if I want to talk, or talk about nonsense and light things, and stop moaning about covid and lockdown.
I own up that I have other pressures on me which are contributing to my extra short fuse. My only other family are my brother with schizophrenia who has been hospitalised due to the pressure of lockdown and my mother with dementia who cant understand why there is no one around to chat to as she walks about town all day. So when a friend is distraught because they cant go on holiday and this is terrible for them, I am less than sympathetic.
I would just like gentle distraction company, without questions, maybe no talking even and enough space around me to breath.
Maybe I should have put this in the Room (the discussion group for ranting) as I seem to have been shouting this through my fingers.
I feel ungrateful, but suffocated.
