Is this normal?

Hi  mccmcc,

I find very helpful "It's OK that you are not OK.  Meeting Grief and Loss  in a Culture that doesn't understand" by Megan Devine. This book has become kind of my intimate companion on this horrible journey.

Whatever you have shared is absolutely normal. Ups and downs, especially at the beginning, might make you feel as if you were desperately trying to navigate in uncharted waters.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Helena

Thank you Helena

Kind to myself? Interesting idea, I tend to push myself so maybe just stop pushing and expecting linear progress?

Don't like this grieving lark at all...

Again thank you

It's funny, morning coffee break (proper Italian coffee) so I flicked on the BBC world news,and there was a piece about football starting up again in Germany (I don't really like football) the newscaster was talking to a female sports reporter.

The sports reporter then went on to talk about the restrictions and told the newscaster dead pan

"..the players will even have their balls sterilised at half time.."

There was a pause maybe a bit too long and as the professionals they were the conversation continued. First time,I've laughed out loud for a while! (I know it's juvenile but what a relief!)

Yes, I did read it. I was able to relate 100% except for around the end where he reconciles himself with God in a way. After 16 months, almost 17 now, I'm still angry. There were so many things that resonated with me. Although they say grief is a very individual experience, in the end, we all go through the same thing, more or less.

I think I've read almost everything there is on grief. I'm exaggerating, of course, but I also read Devine's book. Wish I'd had it in the very beginning. That was one of the rare books too that didn't try to embellish and pretty up this messy process called grief.

Just wanted to add that today was my Gilles' birthday (it's still the 16th for me as I write).A few days ago, I picked up a stone from a beach we used to go to regularly and painted it and wrote a little inscription. Today, I placed it in a little niche between rocks facing the ocean. I'll be leaving here in a month and a half to go back to France and felt as though I should leave a little memorial here for him. It'll probably get washed away by the waves but that's alright. I don't know why we need to do these rituals.

I understood his feelings but again this reaching out to find reason or a purpose for H's death and his agonies of finding God seriously lacking I found slightly depressing. My view is things happen for no other reason than they can. The anger I can get, with self, partner, world, cosmos and even a sub molecular level. 

Now I'm going to google Devine's book and absorb that!

Birthdays and anniversaries must be painful to say the least, those occasions that would normally be one of happiness turned into a visceral, empty, lonely experience. (Can't wait!) I vacillated about what to do when Carla was sick, we had a few conversations about going back to the UK or staying here in Italy. One conversation centred around where Carla would be (the family tomb in this tiny Dolomite village, which I add the views and location is wonderful) and could I leave her alone. She laughed and said I should do what I need to do.

Now I'm staying here in Italy, friends have asked me what I will do and when I told one they laughed and said their planned speech to persuade me to stay wasn't needed. I belong here now and will stay.

As for rituals I think these facilitate the healing process into a cognitive thing, I have sown Nasturtions around the rocky places in the garden as they were Carla's favourtie and hopefully will re seed themselves year on year.

I also laughed out loud  at the footballers balls being sterilized- even before finishing your post! 

Stay safe 

I could visualise them queueing up somewhat reluctantly at a kind of steam press!

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If I had heard that, yes I would have laughed too!!! It is my kind of humour! I usually see the funny side in most things. I probably have a slightly sick sense of humour, I think it is being a nurse.

We are allowed to laugh. I think Ric would have missed that in me! Laugh and cry. It is all good for us! 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Carla and I shared as sense of humour but sometimes things that made me laugh bemused her and vice versa...

I remember her laughing for about 3 days about one thing, we had, had 'words' at bedtime one night and like any good bloke? I thought I'd been a bit offhand and texted her in the morning to apologise. However, my text instead of saying "Sorry I was a grump in bed yesterday..."

Said "Sorry I was a fish in bed yesterday..."

To get her laughing again all I had to do in bed was strike a provocative pose (which is no mean feat when your a 16st bruiser) and flap an imaginary tail at her....

I shall hang onto those good times if it's the last blasted thing I do!