Hi everyone,
You know what I have been thinking in recent weeks and particularly days? I have been thinking how lovely it would be if I could tell my husband about my life as it is now. I remember the few conversations we had prior to his very quick deterioration when I would say again and again, "Darling, I just can't imagine a life without you. I don't know what could give my life some meaning?" And, at one particularly desperate time, I even said to him, "You know, I'd rather go with you than having to continue living without you." I wonder how that must have made him feel. And I am sorry for having said those things because, yes, they were honest but it must have been difficult and worrying for him to hear this. It was only when he was already unconscious, very shortly before his death, that I said to him, "Sweetheart, don't ever worry about me. I'll be fine."
I sometimes feel it would be so lovely if I could have one more chance of talking to him and say, "You know, darling, life is okay. I haven't killed myself even though I thought about it in the beginning. I have people around me, family and friends, who have helped me and are continuing to help me to live with my grief. I have my work that keeps me going, even though it is a lot less work than I would like to have. I socialise, I work, I keep on top of things in and around the house. I miss you loads but I am okay with life as it is now." And I would also love to tell him that I have kept our house and have stayed in Ireland because he used to say to me that he would prefer if I went back to Germany to live close to my family, something I haven't considered at all because Ireland is home, the English language feels like my native language now, I am used to the mentality and people here... And, even though I don't have as much work as I would like at the moment, I have work here. I wouldn't want to start somewhere ese all over again.
Do you sometimes feel that you would like to let your loved ones know you are okay now?
Love, Mel.
