Have any of you felt Angry or Confused ?

Hi Geoff,

It's natural for us to doubt and question ourselves. However, your Anne, as you say, was a pragmatic person and so, she told you what was true for her: she loved you. There is no need to doubt. It means you, also, gave her what she needed and wanted . I imagine a 50-year marriage cannot be a long, smooth ride. There must be bumps along the way. You both survived those bumps and that's an achievement to be proud of. You were both so lucky to have had each other. You say she was not an affectionate person. Neither was my husband but he showed his love in other ways: the way he spoke to me, his tone of voice, the things he did for me, the way he worried about me, and his always wanting the best for me. Anne was right; it's not just the kisses and cuddles that count. Of course, we love those things but if you stayed together for so long, you, too, knew, there was much more than that and Anne knew you loved her and still do.

Oops, I didn't answer your question: yes, I have felt angry and confused at times.

Angry that he didn't stop smoking; angry that he didn't love me enough to stop; angry that he should have stopped because he was older than me. Angry too that cigarette manufacturers add chemicals or whatever to make sue you're hooked for life … and death.

But everything else I said before still holds. He did love me and I him, despite all our flaws, our disagreements, our différences.

Dear Jeff,

It sounds like your relationship was not always easy and you are remembering that now. And it also sounds like you and your Anne really loved each other, and you still love her, because otherwise you wouldn't have been together for 50 years.

I can relate to what you write so much because I too have gone through times during the almost two years of my journey with grief when I have been angry either with myself for something I did or didn't do or when I was angry with Paul. I actually feel that it is a very healthy part of our process when we cannot only remember the lovely things and make our love and lives to be out to have been absolutely fantastic with never a sharp word being spoken or a disappointment coming our way or whatever because this is simply not the way our lives are. Some relationships are more difficult than others, but I think all of us who were in a longterm relationship have to admit that not everything was always easy.

Paul and I were sometimes hurtful with each other and behaved in ways that were really not nice. We both knew how to press each others' buttons and, yes, we often did.

I think if we only remembered the good times, we would live in denial.

Love, Mel.

Dear limbo 

Your post made me break down in tears of absolute grief. But a positive release of inner tention. THANK YOU XX 

I feel so guilty saying what I wrote about  my Anne. She was no psychopath.Simply a strong independant woman who came from a family that had problems from time to time. ( I'm being politically correct here)   It was my anger and frustration venting itself. My goodness what complicated creatures we are .

Love and Light 

Geoff 

Dear Mel 

Thank you so much for putting my post into perspective xx.

 Goodness, folk like yourself are a life saver, believe me. I regret calling Anne on the psychopathic or autistic cycle. It was my frustration and anger talking. Everything you said makes complete sense. No relationship ever runs smooth. What complicated us creatures are.

Love and Light 

Geoff

Hi Geoff,

I agree with what both Limbo and Mel have said above.  There are always waves in relationship, or indeed life and yet we learn to make the most of the good times. I don't want to re-write history and just remember the good times, its just not healthy and realistic.

I too have reflected on the bad times and for, me it's about the way we moved forward together that counts.  It's made me the person I am now.

In fact, I am no longer an angry person, but angry I was in the past, at times.

The waves of grief have been prominent over the last year and a bit.  Like our relationship, there have been ups and down.

So, now it's about the way I move forward and make the most - from a healthy and realistic perspective. It is what our loved ones would have wanted for us.

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx