My lovely husband died very peacefully in a wonderful hospice last week. He had a remarkable 15 months after a devastating initial diagnosis of an inoperable primary tumour and multiple mets in every section of his Liver. He was calm and stoic and disciplined throughout chemotherapy ,had infections and DVT and rashes and neuropathy and far to much stomach pain in the weeks leading up to his death.Our daughter and a lovely nurse were, with him when he finally slipped away in his sleep. The nurse afterwards described him as remarkable at the end. I had popped home to swap cars and get changed but l know that sometimes happens.We were together for 35 years and were fine with eachother throughout. But l am troubled. A few days before he died a Dr told him that he had weeks rather than months or years to live. It did not surprise me as he was very bloated around the abdomen and had swollen feet and legs, his lymphatic system wasnt working. The scans he had in A and E as an emergency clearly showed progression ,we both knew this. Yet in the hospice he was accusatory, shocked by what the Dr had said he said to me 'You knew didnt you? You have been looking up signs online, that's why you have been talking about me seeing the baby( first grandchild due in two weeks). I told him lwas less surprised at the prognosis than he was because of the scans but l had no special knowledge. In his final hours he pulled his hand away from mine as though irritated ,he did not do the same with our daughter. He had been so loving and devoted all these years, l was very much cherished,my heart is aching because he died annoyed with me and seemed to think l had kept something from him.l was more aware of end of life signs it's true, but l had no idea the end was so near. 35 years of best friends trust ,gone in the last few days. He thought l was deceiving him, it's not true. So sad.
