Living with grief

Hi Mel, 

I also like the idea of meeting up for a coffee. But as you say, if only we were living closer to one another.

Love to everyone xxx

Hi Andrea, 

Just want to 100% second your position on employers being more senstitive toward carers / grievers 

I work and live abroad and have taken some time (6 weeks/ unpaid) off to support my mum in caring for my dad. My workplace and my boss in particular have been so impatient around my dads terminal illness. Every time I speak to my boss she asks what his doctors are saying, and if we can ask them to be more clear about “how long this will go on” so that she can plan around it. I won’t say what I do, but will say that it’s not exactly a life or death kind of job, and that 6 weeks is a drop in the ocean in the grand scheme of things (I’ve been with this company for 10 years) . 

Another employee relations horror story- One of my cousins (30) died while I was working for a high street fashion retailer and I arrived for a shift at 6am the day of his body going into the church, only to be told to come back and do a night shift because some area manager was going to visit the store to following day. When I explained I couldn’t because the ceremony was at 6pm and then the funeral was in the morning they said “can you not just go to the church after the night shift” I refused to go home and sleep for the night shift and was so angry I spent the whole day silently crying on the shop floor (in front of customers!). My mum came to pick me up, and when i explained to her what had happened she told me to walk out and never go back, which I did. It felt good.

But here I am stunned to find myself in the same situation over 10 years later.

I’m sorry that you lost you partner and that your employer has been so horrifically unsympathetic. I wish there was something we could do to change the perception /conversation around this. 

Hi Needing Friends,

What you describe is called anticipatory grief and it is something that many of us seem to have experienced, including myself. On the day Paul and I drove home from the hospital where we had heard that his PSA had risen, I was crying and shocked and felt like I was now beginning to lose him. The grief was so bad. And I think the only reason why it didn't hit me much in the months that followed was that I needed to keep going, needed to do so many things, wanted to do everything to keep Paul as well and as comfortable as possible... And when he died, it was absolutely heart-breaking of course but somehow I felt a little bit, the tiniest little bit, more accepting than I think I would have felt if I hadn't gone through this anticipatory grief for months, even though much of it was not felt consciously. So what you have experienced is a very normal phenomenon. I hope you are okay today and sending love.

Mel.

Hi Mel

Your post describes exactly as I felt from the day of diagnosis, I used to wake in a morning and for a nano second I had forgotten the situation ,and then a physical pain like a thump in the chest brought me to reality,the worst feeling in the world .

I too felt like you a little bit more accepting of his death when it did come, still heartbroken and not in the least thinking “it was for the best”.If anyone had said that to me I would have given them a punch, even at my grand age,

Beat Wishes

Dear All 

There isn't a lot that I can add to what has been already said by you good people. But all your posts ring a bell of understanding. However this is how I can relate. ( Which perhaps is rather a lot ? Sorry. )

My Anne was given her prognosis and so recieved the various options of treatment that both Anne and I knew were the NHS in their kindness offering. But we both knew the real truth of the situation. It had been a long journey prior to this.  Anne chose the third. " Let's just nature take its course."  She was given 6 to 12 months to live from pancreatic cancer. However that brave lady survived for 14 months. Always a fighter to the end. I remember driving her home from the hospital following Anne's  decision and tears rolling down my cheeks.  On the way Anne said to me " Whats wrong with you?" in a genuine enquiring tone of voice. I replied " What we've just been told." My darling replied so bravely "Well I've been given my death sentence so lets just  get on with it" And never once did my soul mate ever cry for herself or ever bemoan her lot. Her strength and the proceeding months knowing,  I'm sure now has helped in a way concerning her passing. But I can't describe how.  In the end whilst I was alone with Anne on her hospital bed, because my daughter had gone home from her night shift with her mum.And my son had just popped down stairs for a break.  I told my Anne how much I loved her and that she was the perfect wife. And how much the kids loved her and she was the best mum in the world. It was immediately afterwards I saw my Anne take her last breath. She passed with a smile on her face.

Love and Light 

Geoff

Hi Geoff. Your recollection rings bells with me as I too cried while driving my husband home from his terminal diagnosis. I am a crap driver at the best of times and he joked that if I didn’t stop crying the end would be sooner than expected. We drove through a beautiful part of the country which never failed to make us grateful to be living in this part of the country.  My husband’s death wasn’t as peaceful as your wife’s and I was glad when it was finally over. Jack Daniels has been my friend in the past few nights although my husband wouldn’t approve. I get through every first without him as best I can. I am not the first to go through this and I won’t be the last. My heart goes out to all the ones who will be experiencing this over the next days weeks and months. My 3 year old granddaughter said grandad is in the sky and he needs to come home now. I miss him so. 

Dear Owl58 

My heart genuinely goes out to you dear lady 

Believe me when I say that since losing my Anne alcohol had been my best friend. I don't care what the experts and moralists say,  unless you've experienced grief no 'expert' has the right or the authority to 'Put their two penny's worth in'  to quote an old fashioned Saying.

Without alcohol I would have lost my sanity - maybe suicide. I'm certainly not an alcoholic nor will I ever be. I know myself after living 74yrs. But I've used alcohol on many occasion - although mainly a beer drinker - Jack Daniels with a tea spoon of water plus ice is the most calming of drinks. 

Love and Light 

Geoff

I haven’t posted on here for quite some time and have had to change my detailed etc. Rob passed 29/4/18 with gall bladder cancer.This was a man who never smoked- he hated the smell- hardly drank was a junior referee. Rob was a cop or should I say a police officer for 30yrs and our plan was to retire to the sun. I am an aux nurse in a busy city hospital- rob hated me doing this job-and yip I hate to to say this but I still see people coming in and thinking why him and not them ? Anyway we are all thinking why him-why her- All I know is I have lost my bestest pal-cop speak-and my children have lost their best friend and my gran children have lost the best person ever.I don’t know what else to say.I hate being here and I know every body here feels the same as I do so just to say hello and I hope each and everyone of us is ok. Xx

Dear robmar

I'm a retired Met Police Cop. Did 30yrs like your Rob. But I was a piss head during my time 70's - 2000. And I'm still a piss head. I also smoke and vape yet I still survive even though I don't want to since losing the love of my life Anne 6 months ago. This world stinks of unfairness. A complete shit hole and if goodness forbid reincarnation is real there is no way I'm coming back. I just cant wait to die so I drink and smoke like a trooper. I wish what ever life I have I could give to your Rob so you would have him for a while longer.

Love and Light 

Geoff

Dear Geoff you and I know cops or should I say police officers have their moments!!!Rob was no angel please don’t think that and his time 70s-2005 well I could tell you a few stories!,! As I am sure you could as well?? As for alcohol intake mine has increased so no I should not judge others.I know exactly how you feel. All we wanted to do was take away our loved ones pains and even as I still think it would be less of a loss if it had been me.Crazy! Hours before Rob died my youngest daughter said-I always thought Dad was the strong one but it’s you-I never thought I was strong because Rob always sorted everything but when we were told he had 6 weeks to live I took him home and cared for him.He was our pal, friend,dad,grandad,husband.and because of cancer he was also afraid and that is the one thing I hate about cancer it’s the fear.Anyway Geoff if God has a plan then I think he has been having too many nights out!!!!