Ken has finally found peace

Thankyou all for your replies. It's getting more real, I forget momentarily that he's not there to tell some news to, but I tell him anyway. I have been looking at all his belongings and sorted things to keep and which I won't. I have found opening cupboards and wardrobes and seeing everything gut wrenching. I feel angry when people phone me full of sympathy pretending they know Ken and know how I feel. They didn't know Ken really and I don't even know how I feel, but one thing I do know is that I don't want their pity. I've had to battle my way through life and this is not going to change I will die before I give them satisfaction of seeing me crumble. I'm not pretending others haven't had it worse, I know they have, but I don't want people who have had charmed lives pretending they understand with offers of weekends away thinking that is going to do anything than street me further. I need to be home, alone with Ken.. Sorry for the rant which probably sounds ungrateful, and just to make it clear non of this is aimed at anyone on this site, you are all amazing x

Dear Needing friends,

Grief is not linear and am sorry to hear of your range of emotions which we all understand. Take your time and be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do and stop if it does not feel right. A year on I still have some of my husbands clothes at home.

I too found it difficult to cry at times and then cried, at a drop of a hat. Sometimes even watching an emotional movie would help! 

I also got annoyed when some people contacted me and worse still, when some people did not! It's okay to want be alone. I spent a lot of time alone in the early days as needed time to deal with it myself. I made a point of seeing my GP for a health check one month after or so,  only because I read somewhere it was a good idea to do so.  

It is okay to rant here as much you like, as said before, we all understand. 

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

I completely agree with Dutsie. I find it somehow easier coping during the day but nights are the worse for me. I'm almost two different people - seemingly strong and rational during the day and a complete mess during the night. The grief is definitely not a linear process and there is no a timeline. My nights are not getting any better as time goes on and I'm approaching the 5th month now.

Just today I have paid Danny's mobile bill, I just can't push myself to call his mobile provider to tell them he died. Every month I tell myself this is the last one. His toothbrush is still next to mine, his bathrobe is there and the most of his stuff are in his wardrobe. I'm not ready to clear this yet and I'm not in a hurry to do so. I'll do it when I feel I'm ready. I have distributed some of Danny's things to his closest friends and that made me feel good. 

I have also experienced strange pains, headaches  and couldn't shift the cold for ages. The immune system just went down, and it is all due to grief, I'm sure. I'm now taking magnesium and manuka honey and will see whether it would make any difference. 

For me personally it is far worse when people ignore and don't acknowledge the magnitude of a tragedy that happened to us. Maybe what we consider as a pitty is just a genuine concern and empathy. Sometimes I feel so wrapped up in my own pain, anger, sadness and grief that I'm simply unable  to distinguish between those who sincerely care and those who pretend to care. In situations  like this some good new friendships develop and some relations breaks down. I personally forged new friendships with people I wasn't particularly closed to before Danny died. I thought this friendship will last until the funeral is done, and the only reason they were nice was because they felt sorry for me. But to this day they still call and we still see each other regularly. They proved me wrong.

I sometimes think it is a whole new world that we're facing now and each of us deal with things differently. There is no right or wrong way. Only a hope that one day we'll be able to manage just OK.

Dalia xx

Thank you for taking the time to reply and understanding. I know I sounded ungrateful and irrational, and that in all probability people are probably genuinely trying to help. I really can't explain the rant other than it's my journey and there isn't much that people can do to help. It just seems so much easier to post on here than to speak to friends and family. Here the words don't stick in my throat x

Hi Needing friends,

I don't think you sounded ungrateful or irrational at all. Grief has its own intelligence and it almost allow us to grow in ways we never thought were possible.

Once upon a time when all was well and our loved ones were healthy if someone came and asked what made us happy, sad, or angry, we would've been very quick to come up with answers. Answers that would now seem so trivial, irrelevant and stupid. Because, we now know  the real meaning  of happiness, anger or sadness. We would be happy if they were here, we're sad because  they've gone and we're angry because this horrible tragedy has happened to us. That's the only true, as simple as that. Except it is not that simple at all, it's devastating. It turns out life was a con, and we were robbed of all our plans, hope, love and future. We miss them and we miss the person we were while they were around. How do we make this transition from who we were then to who we are about to become?  How do you just erase all your dreams, hopes, future, plans and start again? It's incredibly hard and as you rightly said, it is a journey, The journey that none of us wanted to take. But it is your journey and you make sure you continue to travel  the way you feel its right for you.

Love, Dalia xx

Thank you Dalia, that's exactly right. I feel everything has changed which is why I've begun a big clear out. I look at all the stuff and wonder what the point of it is and so the charity shops have been bombarded. It makes me feel lighter for a while anyway. I just want to know what the next step is, surely I don't have to live in this limbo forever. I'm not brave enough to travel alone to far off countries or be a major fundraiser, I wish I was. I keep thinking that surely this momentous thing has happened for a reason which is a silly thought I know. I don't want to be a no one I want to mean something again I have lost my purpose and my role in life. I heard a saying that when you are surrounded by darkness light your own tiny candle and step out. I hope I acn do that, but it's hard when you are only half of what you were, you have lost your unwavering source of love and support.

Love Pam x

Hi Needing friends (Pam?),

You write: "I keep thinking that surely this momentous thing has happened for a reason which is a silly thought I know." 

I honestly don't think that it is a silly thought. I too believe that everything that happens in life happens for a reason, particularly when the two people who were together for so long and who can no longer be together were very deeply connected and there was a real soul connection there. There must be a reason why we have to experience this separation now, even though we don't know or may not know the reason.

Then you write:

"I don't want to be a no one I want to mean something again I have lost my purpose and my role in life."

That is exactly how I often feel. I know I am not a noone and that I mean a lot to many people. But I certainly have lost my purpose and my role. I want to be that person again who can make a difference, a real difference, to one person's life or to many people. It is not enough to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend and a good therapist for the few patients I have. I suppose, again, this is why I so much want to work with cancer patients or as an end-of-life doula: to be able to really make a difference and to mean something, to feel a purpose and the importance of my role.

I meant the world to Paul. I was his carer in the last couple of months, but before that I was his wife, his lover, his best friend, his soulmate. And now I am none of these things - well, I still am but I can't share it with him.

Love, Mel.

HiMelaniel thank you for understanding and taking the time to reply. I also would like to make a difference. I hope you will keep in touch and let us know how you get on. I hope we can find our way xx

Hi Owl58,

How are you feeling now? Are the sleeping tablets and antidepressants working?

I have to say: If I didn't have both, I don't know how I would cope. It's such a relief to have sleeping tablets because at least I know that I can rely on the sleep to come.

Do you feel the same?

Mel.

Hi Mel. Yes I sleep better and feel less pain. In fact I feel pretty numb most of the time. I’m just plodding through each day trying to find things to keep me going. I finally got my hair cut and coloured and my nails done like I used to but it all feels pretty pointless at the moment. Still I keep going and at least I’m sleeping. 
hope you are okay.