Dear all,
Its 5 months since I lost the love of my life and the memories are now flooding in as that illusion called denial slowly fades away. What I'm now discovering is that the old me too passed away, side by side along with my Anne in her hospital bed that sunny afternoon. When I now look back on our life together its like watching a movie of two other people. There was so much going on. We loved each other and as a result I was full of life and adventure.I went on fishing trips day and night with my son. I remember eating the sandwiches Anne had made us both and the phone call I made to my darling - always at 7pm on those night fishing trips - to find out if she was all right at home.Then telling her of our catches so far or the weather. Matt my son and I have fished and camped out in -5c during the winter. Adventurous to the bone. And my Annes sweet face when I returned the following day. "What did you catch love?" I can still hear her dear voice now. And then there were the many shopping trips I took Anne on. Oh how she loved to browse in M&S. whilst I sat at the entrance watching the world go by u ntil about 15mins or so had passed by when I'd meet her in the food hall , Anne stacking up the food in her trolly and me being told off for putting food in the trolley that wasn't on the list LOL. Plus my Anne always adding two fresh scones to the feast. They were her favourite. It was during those latter trips we both knew she was slowly dying of pancreatic cancer but that was all pushed aside as we both enjoyed our time out together. Sadly last summer my soul mate never returned to our caravan holiday home in Hurley Village. Anne called it her Arcadia, she loved it so much. I only looked up what that title meant after she had passed. And so now that doesn't even exist anymore. It's gone away along with my sweetheart. And the man I once was has gone away as well. The movie has ended. The man that looks at it now is far removed from the character in that film.He no longer makes things from old discarded wooden pallets like bird boxes for the garden and his old fishery. Or creating features for the garden. The wood he collected will soon be burnt along with the garden refuse. He's grassed over the vegetable patch that once grew his sweet hearts delights like fresh runner beans and tomatoes. It's no longer needed.The man that once was now no longer exists and the new one prays every night that he might too pass over whilst asleep. This new reincarnated man has no spark for life anymore. The man that once was passed over with his soul mate and I don't even recognise him anymore. He is part of a movie that once was and is now laying in the archives collecting dust. Movie man has been reborn but simply as a surviver. Plodding through his day snatching respite here and there as events unfold but always returning to a silent souless house. Please believe me when I say this isnt about self pity my friends. Its truly as things are now as I percieve them. The personal discovery I've made is that I'm now somebody I don't even recognise. So far removed from the character in that old love movie. And all the poorer for it.
Love and Light
Geoff.
