First Anniversary

Hello, 

I am not going to lie.  Yesterday was a difficult day. I think I subconsciously wanted to avoid it so had a very late night which meant I slept in until four in the afternoon (had a few of drinks the night before which I normally don't do...whoops!). 

I had planned to go to an art class (a random thought I had to occupy myself but did not get up in time)  Richard liked painting, so definitely, something I would like to try sometime soon.  I did manage to get out and meet some friends later.  Again difficult, as I got very emotional and did not last long in the pub.  Another friend got me out again for a coffee/cakes with a couple of girls round her place.  I may have been there in body but I felt I was not entirely there, if you know what I mean.  In fact nothing felt right yesterday. 

Anyway today is a new day. I was a bit grumpy chops first thing in the morning but that did not last long.  Actually going into work cheered me up.  I am grateful for the people I have around me today (and indeed yesterday). I still have a lot on my plate to deal with on top of the grieving.   I am in the middle of making changes at work that are daunting.  It is a leap of faith - a change is needed as I no longer have Richard working with me (without his expertise my confidence at work has taken a hit this year gone).  He was my lean onto guy both at work and home and I miss him very much. I think, actually, I know that I will do a better job of my promise to Richard/myself  (see profile) this coming year as opposed to the year just gone.      

Finally, I also found out today that I need to have my bone marrow biopsy repeated due to an insufficient sample being taken in the first place. Urgh! Thank you for letting me ramble on here and share my last couple of days.  It helps to get it out there.   

It now seems like the right time to share my poem, acknowledging grief.  I wish everyone here, despite the sadness we encounter, that you find reasons within yourself to smile each day...hashtag Collateral Beauty…………    

With lots of love,

Dutsie x 

Acknowledging Grief

I feel numb and disbelief,

this moment shall pass

I feel broken and isolated from the world,

this moment shall pass

I feel exhausted and lost in this world,

this moment shall pass

I feel a depth of sadness and despair I have never known before,

this moment shall pass

I feel empty and do not know how to fill this void,

this moment will pass

It is hard to let go of some moments that have passed

They don't exist anymore but are painfully etched in our memories

My love for what once was makes my heart beat unpredictably now

This moment too shall pass

For I have faith in the moments to come

They will breathe life anew

Looking through my moist eyes right now,

I smile with a thought

That time will bring a "season of faith's perfection"

When a fragrant breeze will blow again

A bud will blossom again

The feeling of love will dominate once more and the fear will subside

I await the day my heart sings once again,

grateful for what once was and the moment right now.

© Dutsie