And Now the Guilt ?

Hello Geoff, I can torture myself thinking about times when I was less than kind to Mike. I can be quite cutting and sarcastic. I try not to. I think with any long marriage ( and ours was not as long as yours and Anne’s  - we had 34 years) there are going to have been some rough patches. A friend of mine who is also widowed said that she tries to ‘park the crappy bits’ and cherrypick all the good memories. If you were like Burton and Taylor I bet there was real passion in your relationship. Does it help to focus on that? 
These dark evenings are no fun. Look after yourself. 

Hi Goeff,

We've all had our squabbles. Who hasn't? This said, I know what you mean. I, too, have thought of all the terrible things I've said over the years. What I feel the most guilty about was near the end when the cancer had spread to his brain and he was no longer himself and understanding things fully. I was actually shouting at my husband! It was not his fault but I had all this pent up frustration and fatigue and fear. Can you imagine how awful I feel now? Like his bloody hangman! What can I say? We're human. We don't go through life with a smile on our faces pretending that it was all hunky-dory. I'm sure your Anne has long forgiven you for everything and all she feels for you now is complete and utter love.

Hi Jeff and everyone in this Thread,

The subject line of your post, Jeff, is interesting - "And Now The Guilt" - because it tells me that you know that guilt is one of the things we go through, or most of us at least, at some stage on this unwanted journey.

I remember that feeling of guilt. And I can't say that it doesn't come up from now and again, even though now I remind myself that, firstly, there are always rough patches in every relationship but, secondly, that the last couple of months and weeks when Paul was often confused and disoriented were really, really difficult. I did get impatient with him. For example, there was a situation on the last day of him here at home with me when I gave him a glass of water which he put down on the table in front of him. I said, "Please drink some water, sweetheart." "Ah leave me alone with the water, will you?" was his weak response. And I lost it. "Can you not please help me a little bit here?!" I screamed, "Can you not just go along with what I am telling you to do and help me that way?" He didn't even react to my outburst. He just went over to the couch, switched on the TV and the water remained untouched. I know now that it was very difficult for him to drink and that it would have made it easier if I had given him a straw and held the glass for him.

There are other situations too when we were just unfriendly with each other, just not very loving or even kind. And I feel sorry for every single time I wasn't good to him. But, as Limbo said, I am sure they do understand, they have forgiven us. And, Jeff and all, we are only human. We were trying our best, in our marriages and later in the marriages when the illness had become so much a part of it, and I am sure our partners would agree with us and smile and say, "Of course darling. Everything is all right."

Love, Mel.

THANK YOU ALL  so much for your wonderful openness about the guilt effect on your own lives. This is a perfect site to express feelings and emotions we may not feel comfortable about sharing to those in our lives. Your kind posts have put my situation somewhat more into perspective now. I'm a terrible person for beating myself up. I've been like it most of my life. I demand standards of myself  that in essence are mostly unachievable. Goodness knows where that came from. Maybe my upbringing in the  late 40's and 50's ? Towards the end Anne and I said we loved each other more than at any other time. The other day, and quite unplanned, I re-read the last birthday card Anne sent me where she wrote ' I was  her rock xxx. ' That cut me up. I'm even in tears now writing this down. Bless you all. 

Light and Love 

Geoff.

Hi Geoff

Just wanted to add that I remembered sometime ago BBC breakfast did a piece on cancer patients and families. They  were all so supportive and so doing fantastically and helping and supporting. That made me feel worse as I struggled not only for myself but in how our relationship was. Those thoughts can pull you down. Please hold onto those words written by Anne no one knows your relationship like you and your circumstances. Xxx