Feeling lonely and alone since my husband died

So sorry for the loss of your husband jan,your story sounds very similar to my own,I lost my husband Alan September 5th2018.our daughters birthday.He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and we lost him excactly 3 weeks later, my whole world just fell apart..We were married 52years,my family work and they do what they can I would be lost completely without them, And like yourself people at the funeral said not to worry they would be there to support and help,but I never see them,  I feel like I don’t exist,Now I don’t know if it’s because of the time of year and everyone is excited about Christmas but these last few days I’ve become even more weepy than usual,I thought I was coping quite Well.but tonight I just broke down and sobbed,I came on here to post how I was feeling because everyone is so supportive here,then I saw your post and just had to reply,  My kind regards to you and if you ever need a chat,x

Hi Jan,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband of so many years. Please know that in this group you have found a lot of lovely people who have gone through a very similar situation and know your pain and your feelings. It is really good to read and share here. So well done for joining.

It is a pity, though sadly very common, I think that people after a while feel that everything should be "back to normal" with us and that "normal life" continues. But for us nothing is "normal" and we are struggling to find a "new normal" for ourselves. I too have experienced that people who were there for me in the very beginning, including family, have turned away and almost lost interest it seems in me. But, thankfully, this doesn't happen with many people and I hope that you still feel supported by some people.

But of course no matter how many people we have around us who are trying to support us, the fact remains that the person whom we love the most and who was the centre of our life for so long is gone. And I really do understand your pain.

My husband died in May of 2018. And the loneliness was, and sometimes still is, very, very difficult to bear because it is so very painful.

Over time, I have been able to make new friends, to join interest groups and to explore new hobbies as well and it has helped me to be better able to live my "new normal" I hope the same will happen for you. But it is still early days for you and I am sure that the trauma and shock of the sudden loss are still being processed by your system.

Love, Mel.

Thank you for replying Val. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband, it really is so hard. The last few days have just been so bad , I thought 6 months along I would be coping better. I seemed to be doing ok for a short time and then suddenly I'm bursting into tears out of the blue. I've had a few Christmas cards so maybe that's the reason,  it's hard just to see one name on the envelope. I keep thinking I'm going to get a card from someone who doesn't know about Jim , and I'm now worrying about telling them. My youngest daughter & grandson were visiting me for a short time today so that certainly helps cheer me up. Take care xx

Hi Melanie, sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Thank you for replying and welcoming me  to the group. Yesterday I just felt so down & lonely as I thought of all the friends we both had and how only 6 months later they don't phone so often. Of course I know everyone has busy lives but it's so nice to even just get a phone call. A couple of them do phone regularly so I appreciate that very much . I also have a wonderful family.. It's really strange because I genuinely thought I would have got some kind of support from our neighbours as we've lived here a long time but it certainly surprises you how quickly people forget . The loneliness is so hard . I'm so pleased that you have made new friends, well done .

Take care x

Hi Jan143,

There's nothing abnormal about breaking down in your 6th month. You're coping the best you can. I think the worst period for me was between my 3rd and 9th month. It's almost a year now but it's still very hard. People do not always deliver what we expect. Try not to be too bitter or too angry. Their lives go on because nothing has changed for them. Your loss is not theirs. I took a while to come to terms with this. Even now, I still feel a little bitter but, then, I put myself in their shoes and I know I would have done the same and have, undoubtedly, in the past, been just as insensitive and distant towards others who were grieving. You have to go through it to understand. In the end, I found comfort and support in my loneliness, to a certain extent. I'm learning to like being by myself. Dont get me wrong, I'd much prefer to be with my husband so, when I'm alone, I become one of those women you see muttering madly to themselves. It's just an ongoing conversation with my sweetie-pie.

Take care of yourself and mutter on if you need to, too.

Hi Jan,

I can relate to everything you say. I lost my husband in August this year to metastatic renal cancer, only 3 months after he visited his GP complaining about the pain in his abdomen. After he passed, I've entered the darkest place of my life.The support I got from family and particularly friends was most precious and I'll be forever grateful. And yes, as time passed by, everyone slowly went back to their old lives, while my life as I know it has gone forever. The "normal" doesn't exist anymore and yes, the loneliness can be unbearable at times.

After the funeral I have invited some of my neighbours to come and visit whenever they wish. They never came around. I was hurt as you are and thought a lot about it.

We as people are used to help others by trying to find solutions to their problems and fixing things. We also feel good about ourselves  knowing that we helped someone, made them feel better. But how do you make better something that can't be made better and can't be fixed? They can't help us to bring our loved ones back. So, if they feel helpless and can't make things better, they don't see the point of getting involved, they hide away and ignore it - things will somehow sort itself out without them being around.This is unfortunately option that many choose, regardless of what they say.

So many people told me to call them if I needed anything, at any time, day or night. Some of them who specifically told me this didn't contact me since my husband died. So I wonder, would they really pick up the phone at 3:00 am when I suddenly wake up overwhelmed with grief and  sadness realising that I'll never again hear him breathing next to me? Would they pick up the phone or would they think:"What the hell? Is she crazy calling at this time?". I don't really know, I never made this call.

So, it is a very similar scenario when your neighbours reassured your daughter that they will be there for you  but then  never fulfilled their promise. It makes me think that this type of responses are in fact a "figure of speech" that comes from a sense of duty but without no sound comprehension of what "being there for you" really means and involves.

Having said that it doesn't mean they are bad people or they don't care or that they forgot. I would like to believe that they do care and they genuinely meant what they said at that given moment. The reality, however is different. Many people don't know what to say, they are afraid to say something wrong, they don't want to upset us even more or they think we might prefer to be left by our own. There are also those who don't find it easy to deal with emotions or are unable to empathise as they never experienced anything like it. It is hard to be faced with the tragedy that makes them think about their own mortality. In a culture that is mostly concerned with the success, happiness and positivism, the death hits hard, the grief is not welcome, bereaved people are avoided similarly to those with some contagious disease. To be honest, a year ago I would've found it difficult to be around someone like me too.

I'm now back to work and experience this first hand. People really do avoid me, it caused me a lot of stress at the beginning as I ended up avoiding those who avoided me as I didn't want to make them feel bad. In fact all I needed is just a simple acknowledgment that  the most terrible tragedy has happened to me. Just simply saying sorry will do, nothing more so that the next time we meet we can talk about all the irrelevant things like weather without feeling awkward. But nothing of it is happening. People rather stare at their phones than looking you in the eye these days. 

I can't change the way some people behave around me, so I decided to change the way I think about it. My grief is my grief only and I have to do the the most of the work myself to get through it day by day. The loneliness is so hard and devastating at times but I'm grateful for those I have around, who really care. Those who will always find time to be in my life no matter what. Those are the ones that really count. 

I've seen one of my neighbours the other day. We said hello to each other, got on the same bus, she went all the way to the back, almost running away from me. I didn't follow her, instead I stayed at the front. I didn't need her company, she really didn't matter to me at all. And I think she was relieved by not being approached by me. Maybe one day we would be able to talk normally again but until that day comes we would continue to live our separate lives and that's OK. 

Big Hug

Dalia x

Such a lot of wise words Dalia, thank you. It’s interesting how people respond to our grief. Like you I’m back at work and just today two people I hadn’t seen since I went back spoke to me about my husband (one even gave me a hug which was lovely ) but then others clearly have no idea what to say so say nothing. I do find that odd because then I think, well do they know what’s happened? And with friends - some have stayed away and others have really shown their caring side, some quite unexpected new friendships which I hope will endure. 
Hope everyone has a good night x