How I escape the reality of my loss

Hello Geoff, 

Please, don't think, your life is now pointless. That is not true!  You may not realise, how much support and light you bring to other people. You are one of those on this forum, who give a lot to us all. I don't post a lot or very little, because unlike you, I haven't got the ability to describe things the way you and some others do, but I do read the posts.

I have learnt a lot from you. And I have even printed out some of your thoughts and read them again and again. Thank to you, I have learnt things about life, I didn't know or I didn't realise before. I only wish, I had read some of your thoughts before and now I wouldn't have to live with the biggest regret for the rest of my life. But at the time I wasn't a member of this group. 

So, THANK YOU GEOFF for sharing all your thoughts and feelings with us. 

Take care

Love

Andrea xx

Hello Geoff,

I have been through a similar experience, watching my partner rasping for breath and in obvious distress. Mike was unable to talk at the end so couldn’t even beg for death but I could see it in his eyes.

Years on I now know there was nothing I could have done at the time, it wasn’t a controlled environment where I could have administered an injection to end any suffering and neither did you. You did what you could by being there and making sure she wasn’t alone and she didn’t die without you there. It’s all anyone can do in such a horrific situation. Besides smothering what else could you have done? In an ideal world ending someone’s suffering should be allowed but currently we don’t have the option. I wish we did and had I the hindsight and knowledge to be that prepared I would have been, regardless of the law but at the time all you are focused on is caring till the end and being there and you did that. Accept that you did all you could.

I drank quite heavily after too, I had a job to hold down so I had to limit it but yes it can numb things and enabled me to sleep, I didn’t beat myself up about it either, it’s what I needed to do at the time. This lessened and I began to take better care of myself. A combination of time and thinking Mike would have at least wanted me to be able to function. Maybe the same will happen to you. I think self preservation of ones own spirit kicks in despite our best efforts and you realise I’m still here and this is making me more miserable. Short term, it did help.

I feel for you Geoff and I would ask to your question “what’s the point ?” Eventually your children will want their Dad to be a better state of mind. Maybe that’s one point. 

I hope this helps!

best regards 

Steve 

Just a thought, I remember reading books related to what I was going through helped. Not some trite self help book but actual experiences, similar to the stories on here but in novel form. Maybe worth a look. It helped me process some of the feelings I was experiencing by reading how they had played out in other people’s lives. Also doing two things every day that I enjoyed;  from a walk to a good film to seeing a friend for an hour to listening to a play. It distracted my mind. Just some suggestions. 

THANK YOU ALL for your sincere and loving responses xxx.

Thank goodness for our site where we can express our  feelings and emotions we could never  express to others face to face. Although I know I'm opening up to folk I don't know your kind, understanding,  and loving responses brings me to tears. At last I'm communicating with dear people who have been there and not a distant non communicative  Counsellor. But to be fare I'm sure Counselling helps some folk. But not me.  BLESS YOU ALL XXX

Love and Light 

Geoff.

Geoff, so sorry to read your post, having much the same experience as yourself pancreatic cancer and roughly the same time I really feel for you.

I agree with some of the comments above, what's the point I've asked myself that very question my vocal children told me in no mean way you need to be here for us now and for your grandsons. They pulled no punches and it kind of nudged me back into the world.

Your also a great support to many on here I read your words and I think you help others.

Empathy is a great gift a lot on here have it, I've felt OK for a while but something has upset me terribly this morning I woke up crying and hours later I can't shake it off yet don't understand what specifically caused it.

Thinking of my family, I know they are right and although I hate being alone, I miss Amanda so much and I too feel my life is empty, I go on for them now. I think often of her last month, I couldn't influence the outcome, and I n know that, my comfort comes from knowing I did everything I could during her final months I was her nurse her carer, and her constant companion. That alone sustains me.

I can tell by your posts you are a caring person don't beat yourself up, think of everything you did and you will see that you brought life and warmth to a most difficult time in your wife's life.

I met a fellow sufferer yesterday, he lost his wife on Christmas Eve last, we only just realised we have both lost our wives of many years, and we chatted over coffee, we found we had so much in common our experiences and thought were very similar, we cried s little, but after two hours when I had to leave I was very moved, I shook hands with him and he gave me a man hug, the one where you pat each others back, he was clearly moved and was shaking and crying, I feel I've found s kindred spirit, and I think we will become friends. I felt he was isolated and didn't have anyone he felt he could talk to. Getting it off his chest deeply moved him and I'm pleased to have been a willing ear to listen. My point is Geoff you have that gift on this forum you listen you empathise you understand, so don't sell yourself short, you too are helping others take comfort in knowing that.

Take care my friend be good to yourself and whilst we can't see any future I'm sure you will resolve your feeling even though non of us will be able to fill the void we feel.

Gary