My Christmas Dilemma

Hi, 

I can totally understand, have you tried explaining to your daughter and your neighbour that you just need to do this Christmas by yourself. I totally agree with your last sentence. 

Hi Geoff , my son and also my sister in law both asked me to there’s for Xmas. I told them the same as you that I just want to be alone for this Xmas. Next year may be different, but this year I just want it to be me. Treat it as a normal day and have a few drinks on my own thinking about my wife. 

YOUdo what YOU want thinking of you mate 

Mike 

Hi Geoff,

I totally understand how you feel. My husband died on 16 December 2018.

I live just outside London and my family are based in Southampton. I went to Southampton last Christmas and just was not in it. I told my mum one evening that I just wanted to be at home alone and only came because everyone near me thought I should not spend Christmas alone, it being so soon after. She said to me that I should have done what I wanted. My family are very understanding.

I was exhausted and did what everyone else thought was right for me. I know my friends intentions came from the right place but I just did not listen to my heart. So tell your family how you have told us and hope that they understand.

I am only telling you this so that you do what is right for you.  I wish I had. I practise yoga and spend a lot of time on my own. There is nothing wrong with a bit of quiet to process your own feelings, in your own time. In fact, I think it has helped me along...

Hope all goes well.

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Hi Jeff,

I think you should go ahead and do what is right for you. Only you can know what is best for yourself. Others think they do, and they want to make you feel that you are loved and wanted and to be kind to you, however, what they don't see is that what you really need and want at this time. I hope the chat with your daughter goes well and that, even if she was unable to understand, she accepted what you had to say.

I will spend Christmas with my family in Germany. I love Christmas, have always loved it, and have always found it such a time for family and togetherness that it would break my heart if I had to spend the days on my own and treat them as a normal day while I very well am aware that people around me are having a good time. I think being on my own at Christmas would really, really depress me. That feels actually worse than having to be at my family's and feeling so sad because Paul can't be with me.

But really, I feel we all have to do what is right.

Love, Mel.

Hi Geoff,

                What I've learnt is were all different but facing the same issues.

My family mainly want to be normal, that is most want Christmas at our house, trying to make it like it always was. I've explained that maybe next year I could try to do that but I don't want a big family party I just know it's going to upset me.

What I've settled on is to get away to my eldest son and two of my grandsons, for Christmas, I think that's something I can hack this year even though we have spent many Christmas's with them in the past. I just don't want to be at home doing the right thing at least not this year.

Our circumstances seem similar I'm nearing 4 months on Monday, I was with her for 50 years and never thought seriously of being without her at least not for many more years. Although we expected to die one day it didn't really occur to us it would be now and so sudden, we often when younger thought it would be nice to go at the same time, but living our busy lives bringing up our children it was not something we dwelled on.

Guess all any of us can do is what seems right for us and more importantly what we can cope with, I'm sure the first year is the most difficult, everything we do is strange almost unnatural, the wrench of the massive change to our lives, is so daunting.

I've had a couple of bad days recently, had tears streaming down my cheeks and there's nothing I can do about it. Today I'm having s kind of normal sadness it's not overwhelming but it's there.

Take care and above all do what's right for you.

Gary.

Hi everyone 

Thank you so much for your responses. What would I do without you

My lovely daughter and family came today and I told them of my wishes. Thank goodness my daughter and her brilliant partner fully understood where I was coming from. They even said that if at the last moment I decided to give them a surprise visit anytime during Christmas should my feelings change that would be lovely. At last a great weight has been taken off my mind. Thank you all again for your support. I love you all xx

Light and Love 

Geoff.

That’s brilliant Geoff. Well done for being straightforward about what you want, and your daughter and her partner sound really great. I’m pleased it’s worked out for you. 

I second occupation2heal, Geoff. Good for you. You really have to do what your heart tells you to do. While your family is feeling the loss, it's different for you. I've accepted invitations since Gilles' death and, though I don't regret it, they've basically made me more depressed after. There are certain situations that we can't yet cope with and we need to be honest with ourselves. In any case, your daughter is smart and understanding; she's left the door open and you can easily change your mind if you feel differently. 

Hello Geoff,

Totally with you on this. My husband died at the end of July this year. I have decided that I would like to be on my own for Christmas. There is nothing wrong with that. I wont be maudling over Christmas either but reflecting like you. I know our family and friends dont want us to hurt and its so often hard for them to see that so they try to do what they feel is best. We know what we need Geoff.   Will just go with it. Hope you do to.

Hope you find some peace over this difficult time.

Janet