Haunted by partner's virtual suicide

Hi Amandrose 

I know this is no consolation but statistics suggest that many surgeons and some consultants are psychopaths. Of course NOT criminal psychopaths but people who have little or no regard to others feelings.Their approach to life is very clinical which enables them in most cases to be damn good at their job. My Anne's professor consultant surgeon was one. Cold. Factual with no empathy what so ever yet he was one of the countries leading authorities on pancreatic cancer. So it was never your fault and indeed not the fault of the consultant that he behaved in that way they did. They just can't help themselves. And would it have really helped to have with held the true facts of your dear partners state of health,  for at some stage it would have dawned on him that he wasnt going to get through his illness and so might have  caused him to suddenly  crash into a state of unbearable despair because of his false optimism? Only a thought. I could be wrong. I often am my friend.  As it was,  and despite the awful consequences,  he was able to make an early and controlled decision about what he wanted next. And -  as my dear wife Anne did - took the decision to no longer eat or take any meds. She actually said "I want to die." These kind of decisions are'nt suicide. They are brave and couragious decisions made by folk who have an immense strength of character. They simply wish nature to take its inevitable course. Feel proud of him Amandrose. 

Love anf Light 

Geoff. 

Wow Geoff, thank you so much for that insight.

I do honestly believe he would have had a better death if he had not known but slowly drifted away.  His body wasn't ready to die when it did at that moment which is why he had such an awful time with the dying process.  As I said, even the hospice commented how long and hard it was for him.  He was an extremely sensitive person, he didn't show his emotions, not because he didn't have them, but to feel them caused him too much pain so to most he was devoid of emotion so knowing how much anguish and anxiety his dying caused him, with him still crying on his deathbed because he didn't want to die but he had no choice - I just can't forgive anyone for that.  Given his entire journey with the awful destruction caused by the treatment - not his cancer which even at the time of death still wasn't as bad or widespread as some people who are still living with it today, all in all, it was the worst possible end of life I could have imagined for anyone.  They would have been better shooting him in the head on diagnosis.

I am so sorry about your Anne, and I am so pleased that you appear to have reconciled yourself with her passing.  Its an awful thing for those left behind - isn't it?

Love and healing to you.

Amanda

Dear Amandrose 

I think I understand where you are coming from. Your feelings, thoughts, and emotions are precious to you and represent the truth of all that has happened. No one can take that away from you. Yes you are right my friend. Its an aweful thing for those left behind - isnt it? 

Love and Light

Geoff 

Dear Amandrose,

Your post touched me for several reasons.  First of all, my husband was very much like yours. He did not easily express or show his feelings but I know how anguished he must have felt as his illness progressed. Two weeks before he died he told me he was no longer motivated to live, which, of course, broke my heart. Your husband made his decision. He probably did not want to see himself decline even more and wanted to maintain his dignity.  Dignity was something that had always preoccupied my husband and, although I do not know you or your husband, I wonder if this was not one of his concerns.

I understand your anger too. When one of the doctors told me that the metastases had spread to his brain and he had one month to live, I told the oncologists that I would be the one to tell him that the cancer had spread. I did not tell him about the time frame they'd given because, first, I naively believed there was going to be some miracle and, second, I thought his despair would be even deeper and he would lose the will to fight. I also knew how cold and factual doctors could be, forgetting that they were talking to human beings with feelings and fears.

The end was hard and as traumatic as other stages of the illness. He fell into a coma which lasted two and a half days. The last day was awful - same rattly breathing that looked as though it was tearing him apart. When I look back now, I wonder if his spirit/soul, whatever , hadn't already left. Of course, he was sedated and had a morphine pump, so he looked peaceful enough. Of course I have no idea what was transpiring within him.

I, too, still live with those images and with doubts. Because my husband didn't speak a lot, I often wonder if I did enough to help him evacuate his fears. The only consolation I have is that he died at home and I was holding his hand. 

I have no words to comfort you but just wanted to tell you that I can relate to certain aspects of your story. Throughout this illness, everybody has to make choices and, perhaps, your husband made the choice that was right for him, as devastating as it is for you. Just know that I am truly sorry for your loss and for all your pain and I hope I haven't said anything to offend you. 

Bless you, and yes, that is so similar. My husband had already lost his dignity as the treatment had eaten the nerves in his hands and legs so he was immobile and couldn't toilet or clean up after himself. I can see all that now and that it was better for him in the way he chose, because it's the last thing he could control, choosing when to go.

I guess I am just very angry with the whole journey, the consultant, reliance on a treatment that was supposed to help him not kill him, the unnecessary pain and suffering.

Seriously you wouldn't see a dog suffer like he did, a dog would have been put down within months of treatment. There were also failings of the medical profession not to have cured internal bleeding for 3 months before he died. That's when he really declined with the pain and anguish. They cured this easily enough 4 weeks before he died, but the damage had already been done by then, he had deteriorated to a point of no return. I have a whole lot of complaining to do once the funeral is out of the way next week.

I am a spiritualist and I saw a medium friend yesterday. I hadn't seen her for some years and she knew nothing of my recent life, but he came through and said that dying wasn't as hard as he thought it was going to be. That gave me some comfort.

Thank you so much for writing. And I am so sorry you had a similar experience. It doesn't solve where we go from here but it helps so much to know that I am not the only one and that others really understand how I feel.

Love and healing to you, Amanda x

Dear Amandrose,

I am so very sorry for your loss. And I am hoping that posting here and talking to others about your situation is going to give you some comfort.

My husband was similar to your partner in the sense that he, too, found it difficult to express his emotions, not because he didn't have any or because he was unable to verbalise them, but because he was afraid of the intensity of them and it was almost like he was saying, "I can hardly bear them inside. But when I have to speak them out loud it will overwhelm me." So he kept a lot of his anguish and heart-break to himself.

What I would like to say to you is that people have different ways to react to a horrendous diagnosis. And your partner's reaction was to decide to no longer fight and let nature take its course. Others may get very energetic and eager to hold on until the very last minute, and they sometimes fight so much because, while the body is ready to let go, the mind and heart are not. There are just so many ways of dealing with this situation. So I think that he stopped eating and, as you say, starved himself was his way to say, "It's enough. I can't do this."

I understand your anger about the consultant's role in it all. However, I would agree with Jeff. The consultants do this every day, they are used to having to break bad news, and, unfortunately, nothing in their training teaches them how to do that, so unless you have good people skills and are a compassionate and empathic person you can get it wrong a lot of the time and, unfortunately, I think a lot of them do. This is very unfortunate and needs to change, we need better training in communication skills for doctors and nurses, but this is just to say that at the moment we are dealing with a situation where lack of empathy is often present.

I have no answers. Just trying to explore it with you in conversation.

The images will be there for a while. Let them come. It's natural. But also try to remember that, very likely, your partner is now in a better place, whatever that is, because he is no longer suffering, neither from his illness nor from the fear and anguish he had to endure. The images will get less intrusive over time - they have for me and many others on here too - and you will be able to look at it all from a little bit more of a distance.

Love and hugs, Mel.

Oh, definitely, the doctors offer treatments without fully explaining the side-effects and they leave you to cope with all the unpleasantness. ( I was writing a reply a while ago and it all disappeared.) My husband had lung cancer and at one point they told us that, as a precaution, he should have  a stent inserted as there was a risk of his windpipe collapsing, which would cause him to suffocate to death. What does one do in that case? You trust that they know what they're saying and you go along with them. He was supposed to be operated on one morning but when the surgeon saw the scans, he did not think the operation necessary. Mind you, my husband had already been put under anaesthesia. I waited in the hospital corridor to catch the specialist who recommended the stent. He was not even aware that the operation had not taken place. He insisted that it was urgent and, so, my husband was given anaesthesia for the second time that day. After the operation, he was in a lot of pain, could barely swallow, yet, even in intensive care he was served solid food which he could not eat. After about a month of pain, he started back eating and was actually enjoying certain things until one afternoon, he began coughing, then choking. I was alone at home with him but, luckily, one of the nurses who came regularly, arrived just then and managed to keep him alive until the paramedics arrived. He had turned blue and life was leaving him. He was taken to emergency, released a few hours later and then the whole thing started again three days later. Again they released him. I fought the battle of my life after to have him examined properly and what did we learn?  That without the stent, he might suffocate but with the stent he would most probably choke to death because it was causing huge mucus plugs to form. We were terrorised until, after a while, during a long stay at the hospital, we both learnt how to deal with it. I still wonder if that operation was indispensable and if he didn't suffer unnecessarily.Not once, did anybody mention mucus plugs. I read after on the Internet that it was a common problem.

This is a bit long but if you ask me, doctors and hospitals sometimes have their own agendas. I also believe that they're a bit less cautious when they figure it's a lost cause. I am quite bitter myself. I too had promised to file a complaint but after everything, I was so exhausted and fed up, that I couldn't handle any more conflict. It was a long uphill battle.

That is awful, I really feel for you.  And I do understand that you are exhausted from fighting, I am too, but its only by bringing these things to light that anything will get done.  I fully intend to write an "intelligent" article and get it published nationally so that people know the horrors of these experiments when they go wrong and the fact that nobody (not even the manufacturer - I wrote to them!) had a clue about the extent of the destruction it could cause and the fact that there was nothing they or anybody else could do about it once it had had a hold - its disgusting!  My husband isn't the first - I have now read more bad accounts than good and so to my mind, if they can "cure" just one person of cancer then a treatment is deemed a success, despite how many others they kill in the process and its just not good enough.

I have been a staunch supporter of Cancer Research my whole life but they are not getting a penny more of my money if this is what they waste it on.

I hope, like me, you are able to find some peace and move on in the future.

A xx

What you are saying is incredible, that not even the manufacturer knows what their drugs can do to people. I guess it's the same with these stents. You are right to make people aware of these issues and maybe this is where you will find  strength and purpose in your new life. 

I'm sure we will all come to a better place one day but it's going to take time.

Love and hugs. 

Hi all, 

It became clear when my wife Anne was being seen by her consultant surgeon that it seemed senior medical staff are merely concerned with prolonging life at all costs despite the some times horrendous after effects of their treatment which is never accurately explained. Her consultant wanted to perform ' The Whipple Procedure.'   on Anne's pancreas. We had  already researched this operation which involves removing part of the cancerous pancreas. A length of intestine. A part of the stomach plus the gall bladder. After this major surgery the patient stays in Intensive care and can only eat liquid food for a while. And the after effects are normally painful even months on. Lastly the patient becomes a  stage 1 diabetic along  with taking a medicine called Creon to digest food as the pancreas can no longer perform this function. When we asked the consultant surgeon what were the after effects of such an operation he simply said quite coldly " Pills and injections." That was it. Nothing else. We got the impression that he felt his job wasjust  to perform the operation. Anything else was nothing to do with him so why should he give the complete picture. Neither did he tell us that  only 3% of patients with pancreatic cancer live beyond 5yrs.Something else we had researched.  So without our own research Anne would have been subjected to a nightmare existance: One she bravely went on to refused because at 71 and along with Lupus ( An incurable immune system  disease.) Anne knew she couldnt go through any of this.  Anne went on to live for 14 months as against 6 - 12 months predicted. She passed away peacefully in hospital with no pain or discomfort. And without any false hopes that the Whipple Procedure plus all the other suffering involved would cure her. 

Love and Light

Geoff.