Just joined the group lost my wife, soulmate and lifelong friend in July. We had been married for 46 years, together for 50 years and known each other for 53 years, basically most of our lives, and we shared everything and were very reliant on each other.
It was a great shock back in February this year when she had a sudden heart attack and stroke, which after a week in hospital much to my relief she got over slowly. Sadly her new medication gave her abdominal pain, and following an ultrasound she was referred for a CT. The life shattering news came two weeks later Terminal Cancer inoperable, we were advised that Chemo for this type of cancer was largely ineffective, and may only give a short extra time. This was towards the end of April.
We decided to live life as best we could and set off on several holidays, I took on the task of nurse and did everything for her managed her medication, and eventually when she could only continue in a wheel chair, took her everywhere I could in that.
The first month was almost normal we went to the Mediterranean and further afield having as near normal as possible time and making some great memories together. We had a short time at home and then went back to the Mediterranean, where she slowly became weaker but still managed trips out meals and whatever else we could manage. Her last week, she had lost weight and muscle tone and had odeama in the ankles. We flew home and she died in her own bed with her children around her.
I don't know how I feel, broken, lonely, missing her every day, crying alot, music and certain things remind me of her, some are ok some I can't cope with and end up sobbing.
I don't work now so no trauma of going back to work, I feel blessed to have 4 adult children who despite their own grief rally round and we try to support each other.
How do I get by? I've taken to being very busy. My wife loved the garden and I try to keep it as she made it. House the same I try to keep it as it was, not sure if this is normal but I hear her voice telling me in my head when something's not right, I also talk to her and yes I know she's not there. I've got pictures one of our wedding day and one from last year, I often talk to them too. My biggest saviors are our three grandsons all under 10, grannys boys, they have helped me so much, I took 2 out to bowling, and pitza, had a great night. The youngest misses granny as much as I do but we've formed a bond and he often stays over an our house. We look after each other, and he's such a comfort and I think of them all as her legacy.
I try to be normal most days I can visit friends or just get on with gardening, shopping, jobs, housework but I have an emptiness I can't fill and I probably never will. I read some comments on here from people who have not got over it years later. Luckily I can talk about the whole experience. Sometimes emotion wells up and I break down but I don't find that odd.
Having nursed her for three and a half months on my own, I was in denial the whole way through her illness, but many people told me since that I put out such a positive hopeful aura that it helped her be positive we both hoped for a remission but in my head I think I knew it would not come.
I'm not in denial anymore, I know she's gone I know she's not coming back, I just feel so broken having spent a lifetime hardly ever apart. Sometimes I learn something and my only thought is I must tell her, sometimes I'm outside and I think oh she's in the house, does anyone else get that it happens quite often?
The funeral for me was hard, it brought it home, my children at least 3 of them, only seem to have seen it as final and definite after her ashes were placed in the garden of remembrance. My youngest son rarely talks about it, he won't speak with friends or workmates, he will engage with me sometimes.
Sorry for the long rant, I'm feeling down today and have very wet eyes, just needed to share.
It's not quite 3 months, but it sometimes feels longer. Pancreatic cancer the silent killer, no early diagnosis, no cure, no hope.
Softly the leaves of memories fall gently we gather and treasurer them all. +
