6 months since he’s passed 12 months since he was diagnosed

Hi Jane,

Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us.

I suppose you will never know whether your man had a feeling that something was going to happen to him or not. But it certainly sounds like he was a very sensitive man, like my Paul was, and I therefore think that perhaps, and without knowing it himself consciously, he did feel that something was about to happen. I think many people do know something when the end is not too far away.

I can understand that you are reading back over old texts and remembering the times up to the point when everything was still okay. I am going through times like that too. Particularly in the first year I did, when I could look back and say, "Oh last year, when we didn't even know what was going to happen, we were so happy or we did this and that". And even now when I am looking at my Facebook memories every day and see something pop up from two or three or four years ago it makes me so sad and I think: Why oh why was our time together so very short?!

Love and hugs

Mel.

Hi Jane,

I think it is kind of normal to think "this time last year" a lot, especially in the first year of bereavement,  

I too was upset this morning stemming from a call from bereavement support yesterday. She felt I was doing okay and that she will not be arranging a session next month.  I was under the impression they would see me through the first year, I am 10 months in. I must admit I felt abandoned at first. However, I have calmed down now as I know I can approach the hospice should I need to.

I am finding that I am thinking about "this time last year" a lot lately.

This time last year, my husband and I went on our last holiday with family and friends. Like Mel I am getting daily FB memories of this time last year. Some I find comforting and on some later posts, it hits me that he is not in the pictures anymore which he would have been in otherwise.

When we went on our holiday we knew it would be our last. Sometimes, I write poems to process my feelings and  I had just finished writing a poem about the stormy night we had on holiday yesterday. So, it was definitely on my mind!

Upon our return he was dying and all my husband could think was of was me and how I would cope. He did not want me to be alone when he died (which I was not).  On a lighter note, we managed to go to a pub one afternoon and he asked me with a cheeky smile on his face whether I was looking at a dating website as I was looking at my phone (of course I was not).

Going back to the call, you can see why the timing was not great. I am okay overall but I am still grieving and it does not take much to get upset when you are missing your loved one.  Saying that I thankful that you shared as it has got me to share too - there is always someone here that listens.

With lots of love and take care,

Dutsie Xx

Hi Jane 

After losing my soul mate and wife of 50yrs,  my darling  Anne three months ago,  I too thought I was getting stronger - but NO!  I've just got back from visiting a friend of ours at the static caravan site where Anne and I had a van for over 20yrs. I recently gave the van up - too many memories. And now our plot is bare after the van was towed off: like we were never there. I woke up this morning to see the sun rise over the corn field Anne so loved to see from our caravan window and this came to mind. " We create love in this world  only to be rewarded with a broken heart."  As I saw this beautiful scene come to life another thought entered my head. " The process governing this illusory beautiful scene is all about predatory behaviour. Plants competing with other plants for space and earthly nutrients. Insects eating insects. Birds eating insects. Birds killing and eating other birds. Animals eating birds. Animals killing and eating animals. Humans killing animals. Humans killing each other. ALL in the name of survival and the procreation of their own species. Even the rogue cancerous cells that killed Anne's body were only trying to survive - and  at the expense of her life. "  We give our heart, soul and spirit into loving some one with all our very being  only to become broken hearted at the gross cruelty of a system that cares nothing for anybody. If for goodness sake there is ever such a thing as reincarnation I have no wish to return to this life. After losing my soul mate three months ago I've become NO stronger!  Just wiser. 

Love and Light

Geoff

Evening all 

Thank you so much for your beautiful heartfelt replies. It’s just so painful isn’t it and soon we will have the dreaded Xmas to deal with. I still keep thinking someone is going to wake me up. We seem to go through every possible emotion daily. I was looking back at some of my post earlier wen he first passed. Omg the anger and revenge I wanted for his wife was screaming out from me then I decided to meet her I must of been so emotionally unstable then I suppose I wanted answers and why she acted so cold and callus towards him. I now tbh have a different view on her from the way I hated and yes I know that’s a strong word I truly did I no longer feel that towards her we speak weekly now she asks how I am doing and we smile at things we remember about him. I suppose that’s a good thing now I just wish she was like that when he was alive instead of putting him through it. She did admit to me she was feeling extremely guilty for how she behaved when he was diagnosed but she just had tunnel vision and she was going to get what she was entitled to and didn't care about his feelings. I think that takes a lot to admit also. 

Geoff if we all have to come back down again if there is reincarnation then I don’t want to either but if we have to I hope to God I go first couldn’t cope dealing with this pain again 

love to you all Jane x