When they were first diagnosed

Hi Jane my wife was taken very fast so I didn't have the pain  but when she was in intensive care I didn't eat or sleep very much and was a total wreck still in pain now as it only been 10 weeks now

Hi Newb 

I am so sorry for your loss 

mine was 6 mths so it wasn’t as fast as yours I just seemed to be in utter pain till after Xmas. Christmas was a blur to me last year because he was in pain I didn’t think it would be his last one though. I seems to function a tiny bit better through the pain round about Feb then I lost him end of April. Then it’s been a emotional rollercoaster I’ve done thing I never thought I’d do I’ve fell out with the Hangers on got rid  of these nasty pieces of work out my life I even started drinking bad but thankfully stopped that now. I just feel like I’m not me I’m doing or saying things I’d never dream of doing before. 

I miss my man everyday and I still go to bed and think please let me wake up and think this was all a dream. This time last year we was blissfully happy walking around shops booking holidays for this year to now he’s gone how can that happen. I struggle more with what my man went through tbh he didn’t deserve that none of our loved ones do  

I hope you have a good day today love Jane x

Hi Jane and Newd. My wife was diagnosed 2 years before she died . We always thought she would beat it . 2 months before she died they started immunotherapy but after a couple of weeks it spread to her brain. So we only new it was terminal about 10 days  before. She passed away 4 weeks yesterday. I had no grieving pain before. But the pain now is absolutely unbearable. I also wake up and pray it is only a dream. And then it hits you. I wasn’t eating much before, but now I eat hardly at all , just not interested in anything at all. Everything just seems so pointless now. Thinking of the future we were going to have , and now there’s no future at all

Mike.

Hi Mike, Fiona, Jane, Newb, All others in this group

Mike, 

What you wrote is all true. The unbearable pain, loss of appetite and interest. Its very hard to get motivated. I used to cook every day for us. Now cannot be bothered. 

Had a friend around my house on Friday. She's lovely and she managed to brighten up my head. I felt better on Saturday and Sunday. But now i am feeling lonely and sad again. Lost in my sadness and grief. 

I had some good news today. My nephew, niece and brother from Slovakia are coming to see me in mid September. 

I read somewhere today that people often say to those ones who lost someone that 'They are in a better place now'. My Rob didn't want to go to a better place. He was happy with me. He wanted to be with me. We had plans together and wanted to retire together. He always used to tell me that i am his world. 

I wish all of us better days, something to look forward to. 

Something that soothes our pain. Sending you all mu hugs

And sympathy. 

Andrea

Hi Mike 

im sorry for your loss also 

Andrea I have just read your profile with you having 1969 in your name I’ve just cried reading it 

myself and my partner should be away now on holiday for our birthdays he was also wanting to surprise me and take me somewhere lovely for my 50th this year and all we done was spoke about our future together and retirement. Unfortunately I didn’t get the chance to marry him because we was both still married to our previous partners although we had both been separated from them for a few years. We did set a date for next year though September 2020 we thought our divorces would be finialised by then all our dream just have just gone smashed Into thin air

little did we know what we was going to be dealt  with x

Richard was given a couple of months last July (he died on 16 December 2018 aged 64). I remember the consultant leaving the room to give us space. We both just stood up and looked out of the window. We could not believe it was months given that he felt okay. I suppose we were in shock.

We both had plans after the hospital appointment and decided to stick with them (we both needed more space to take it all in). I went for a coffee with a friend before joining Richard in the pub.

We both accepted the diagnosis and decided to make the most of the time left. We went on holidays with family and friends and got married in short space of time. It was quality of time rather quantity. For me it was accepting what Richard wanted and having this mindset, meant I could focus on just that.

I am grateful for the time we had together and that his suffering was not too long. I know he would have been happier if he went a little sooner.

However, it does not take the pain away from losing him. I only once brokedown in front of him and he comforted me. That's the closest I would say I got to anticipatory grief. 

The last few days of his life, I almost felt detached from the situation. The hospice doctor said that this was normal, in order to cope with the practicalities of caring for your loved one at home.

They say journey of grief is unique to all. However, we all have in common certain aspects of grief and how it affects us. I certainly resonate with the comments made above. 

I am at the stage whilst I have accepted Richard's death at surface level; I feel my actions or lack of action still speaks volumes. 

I am aware of this and am working through my feelings. Grief changes you. I now understand the pain Richard went through when his previous partner died from cancer. 

That's because now, I feel it too....

With lots of love to all,

Dutsie x

Hi Jane and everyone in this thread,

First of all, I would like to say to everyone to whom I haven't said it before that I am very sorry for your loss. I know I haven't said it to everyone as I was on holidays and didn't have much access to emails or time to read and reply.

The original post in this thread made me think about how it was for me. When I met Paul in 2009, he had already been diagnosed with prostate cancer six years earlier. Back then, in 2009, he was on hormone injections every three months and had to go for regular PSA and other blood tests but he wasn't feeling unwell and therefore we didn't talk about it and think about his disease very much. From 2009 to 213, several medications stopped working and he was always changed to new ones and Chemo could always be avoided, and I think that I was as much as Paul willing to believe that it would always be like this and that we would never ever find ourselves in a situation where he would get very sick and where no medication could be offered or would work. In 2014, his cancer spread very aggressively - but stil was contained in bones and lymph nodes - and, again, they came up with a new hormone blocker (Aberaterone) which had just become available in Ireland. And, even though they told us at the start that it usually works for two to three years, we felt that for us of course it would work longer or at least long enough to give us time to find an alternative that would not be Chemo and would keep him alive for much, much longer. At the start of 2017, I was beginning to get anxious because Paul's cancer became symptomatic: nausea, vomiting, weight loss, etc. When the call from the doctor came to tell us the latest PSA results and that the only other option now was going to be Chemo, I was so shocked. I remember standing in our kitchen (I had taken the call because Paul was out and had left his mobile behind) and I couldn't think or speak, my mouth went dry, I felt like squeezed or squashed, somehow forced into a space I didn't want to be in, something I had been running from for so long. Paul, on the other hand, took it very calmly, as he always did. When the oncologist told us person to person about the spread to the liver, I knew by his tone of voice and in fact he even said so that he felt Chemo wasn't even going to work. And I think, yes, I started grieving then; grieving because I knew that there was only little time left, that nobody was able to tell us how long it was going to be, but that it would be much, much shorter than we had thought and hoped for. I remember that during the months that he was receiving Chemo I was not giving myself much time to sink into the grief. Instead, I researched like mad everything on prostate cancer that I could find, had many discussions with various doctors and professors around the world, went to all of Paul's appointments with him, cared for him day and niht at home, perhaps sometimes more than he would have really needed... So I can't really say that the pain when he was diagnosed - or in our case when the liver mets were found - was worse than the pain of when he actually died. It was kind of the same pain. It was like the pain I had experienced and anticipated to get worse and worse over months, combined with the anxiety when I thought of my life without him, peaked on the day he died. I hope what I have written makes sense by which I mean is understandable.

Love, Mel.

That was a great post Mel I to have prostate cancer had it the same time as my wife's myloma so we both were having treatment at the same time I was sleeping with my wife in the Macmillan ward and traveling to addenbrookes for my treatment in the day unfortunately my wife passed halfway through my treatment I promised I would finish my treatment which I have I don't want chemotherapy if offered to me I have full filled. My promise to her but will not be having any treatment if the radiotherapy hasn't worked 

Hi Newb,

Oh I am sorry to hear that. It must have been so very difficult to go through the treatment wen at the same time your wife had such a battle with cancer and died when you were only half through your treatment and you stuck with it - WELL DONE! You say you had radiotherapy, so the cancer hasn't spread outside the prostate? And was your radiotherapy successful? I really hope that you will remain in good health for a long time. There are so many options of treating prostate cancer now, even when it is very advanced, but I completely understand why you are saying you do not want any further treatment. I think it would be similar for me if I learned tomorrow that I have cancer. I wouldn't want any treatment because, even though I have more okay-days now and I am kind of all right, still my man is missing and to me he was and will always be my other half, so I think I would be very inclined to say that: well, if it is my time, may nature take me. I don't want to fight. And yet of course we never know until we are faced with that situation I suppose. Sorry I am rambling on here... Love, Mel.

Hi Mel

Thank your reply and Newb Im so happy you continued your treatment.

My family have a very strong history of heart problems I remember when my man was going through treatment I had to go to the hospital on my own I was in that much of a daze and broken over him my own brother was sitting opposite me in the waiting room and he said I was looking right at him just starring into space I didn't even know he was there he had an appointment the same day has me,

That day I was thinking something must show up here on my ecg because my heart hurt that much I did have slight movements on it but nothing overly for them to be concerned. I was due to have a angiogram a few weeks later but cancelled due to looking after my man and I physically didn't have the strength to go through with it.

Two of my brothers have suffered for a few years with heart problems and a few tests  and only when they had the angiogram it showed up they had cardiomyopathy booth have Defibs fitted into there chest now and are living a very active life again, another brother is due to have the test done soon and I have a scan in october were no doubt they will ask me to have a angiogram

In my mind and the way I am thinking now is if I do carry the gene my brothers have I know this sounds really bad of me but i feel i don't want the defib i don't want treatment because in my head il be one step closer to being with my soulmate  again so newb like Mel said well done you all you had to deal with and you kept your promise

Love Jane x